One Last Time
by LyssaBea
Summary: On a sunny afternoon in April, Kate receives a phone call that will change her life forever. She never dreamed when she said "Hello" that Castle was calling to say "Goodbye", one last time. Castle Ficathon
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Thank you so very, very much to dtrekker for the cover art and beta-ing this story. I can't believe she's agreed to come along on this crazy ride, freely! Also, thanks to my friend Lesa for the hate mail that really has made this into such a multi-chapter story. Without her, it ended at chapter 2.**

**I hope to post a new chapter each week.**

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The sun was shining brightly into the loft windows. For a mid-April morning, it was too gorgeous outside to be stuck indoors. The boys had been awake for almost an hour. Kate had made breakfast, done the dishes and was sweeping up spilled Cheerios when her phone rang.

Looking at the screen, an involuntary smile came across her face. Her screen saver was a photo she took of Castle and their boys just two days before. The boys wanted to make waffles and had gotten flour everywhere. She's not 100% sure who got the flour on their face first, but she couldn't resist taking a picture of their goofy smiles as Castle pulled the boys closer to him. He had one boy on each side of his face and enough flour for five loaves of bread sprinkled all over their heads and faces. She swiped her thumb across the bottom of the screen and then raised the phone to her ear.

"Hey," she said softly as her oldest son, Jackson, ran by, hugging his Mom's legs, almost knocking her over. Screeching by on his ride-along police car was his little brother, James. Both were doing their best to make "real police car noises."

"Jack, wait for meee!" cried James as he rounded the bar into the kitchen.

"Hey, I hear your morning is already up and running." It was her friend Lanie.

She let out a soft laugh, "Yes, as usual. We never sleep in. You know that."

"Well, the reason I called is Paul has cabin fever and we, I mean, he, wants to get out. I already called Jenny, and we are going to take the kids to the park on Hope Street. You and they boys have to come."

Kate never imagined she would be here, at this point in her life, in this place. She was a retired FBI agent; married to a ruggedly handsome author, step mom to Alexis, mother to 5-year-old Jack, and 2-year-old James. Both boys were named after their grandfathers. And as the cherry on top, she and Castle just found out the week before that they were expecting a girl.

As she absent-mindedly rubbed her small swollen abdomen, Kate recalled when the technician showed them the 4D image of their unborn baby displayed on the screen. They instinctively looked at each other and cried as if this miracle was their first pregnancy.

_Alicia, the technician excused herself from the room to give them some privacy. _

_Castle smiled down at his bride, letting the tears fall._

_"A girl. We'll finally have our girl," he said, his voice filled with such pride that she could only smile at him. She knew he loved and adored Alexis, but the idea of having another girl was exhilarating._

_Staring at the screen, she wanted to remember this forever. She loved her sons, more than they would ever know. But there was something different about having a daughter. The bond she had with her own mother was special, treasured and extraordinary. She had developed a deep connection with Alexis and even Martha. The thought of a dream becoming reality became overwhelming._

_When Castle leaned down to kiss a tear in the corner of her eye, she smiled._

_"I love you," she said. "Thank you."_

_"Always."_

_They sat in silence for a moment before he nudged her hand._

_"You know what this means, right?"_

_"I finally have a shopping buddy next time Lanie and I go out. Oh! Lanie is going to want to go shopping and replace all of the blue." Kate couldn't contain her happiness and excitement. Her cheeks were going to hurt from all the smiling before the appointment was over._

_Castle laughed. "Well, now I know I need to keep writing. Someone is going to have to support her spending habits." He handed her a hand full of tissues from the counter._

_Kate rolled her eyes and wiped the gel from her expanding belly, pulled her shirt down and set herself up._

_"No, what I meant was, you know what her name is going to be, right?" When she was pregnant with the boys, they only discussed boy names. Secretly, neither wanted to get their hopes up for a girl. _

_Tears rushed to Kate's eyes, again. She had no power to blink them away nor did she want to. When she finally looked at Castle, he was crying, too._

_They both knew these were tears of joy. They were expanding their family. After James was born, they were happy. This tiny dream was a surprise and a very welcomed one indeed. Kate began wearing bulkier clothes to hide her pregnancy. Neither had told any of their family or friends that a new baby was expected. From the moment she found out she was pregnant; she knew something was different, almost special, about this baby. The night she had told Castle, he said he felt the same. It wasn't that they didn't want to share the exciting news; they just wanted to bask alone in the sweetness and surprise a little more._

_They made plans to have a small get together at the loft in two weeks and intended to tell everyone then. Castle had just released a new series and was going to be gone for six weeks on a book tour. They figured they would use that as an excuse, and no one would be suspicious._

With a smile on her face, Kate snapped back to Lanie talking in her ear. She knew her friend had asked her a question, but she wasn't paying attention.

"Sorry, Lanie, what did you say? I got distracted."

"I said, we are thinking we'll take the kids to the park and eat lunch there. Is there anything you can't have?"

"No. Why? I can eat just about anything, you know that."

"Well, missy, since you had the stomach bug a few weeks ago, I wasn't sure if everything was back to normal."

Stomach bug. How did she know about that? Castle! He must have mentioned something to Ryan and Esposito during their poker game. She had called and asked him to pick up some antacid tablets on his way home that night. She was suffering from recurring heartburn this time. She had morning sickness with both boys, and this time wasn't any different. It wasn't as bad as it had been with Jack, but bad enough that she still needed medicine.

"Oh, not too bad. I'm better now. I think Jack brought a bug home from school, and I was the only one that caught it. Castle joked our boys are too stubborn to get sick. Stubborn like him," she laughed.

"Girl, you know that's true. I hope Paul is strong like his daddy and sassy like me. Javi says we will be in so much trouble when he gets older," Lanie was so happy, you could here the smile in her voice.

Both women laughed. Lanie and Javi had been married about 30-minutes when she got pregnant with Paul. Jenny and Kevin were the first to have children, and it spread like wild fire within the group. The Ryan's had a 6-year-old daughter, Kylie and a 3-year-old son, Grady. Castle and Beckett joined the club with Jack and then James. Baby Paul joined their little makeshift family just two months prior. So Kate knew a girl to the mix would be welcomed. She would have her own biological brothers to look out for her in addition to Grady and Paul. Kylie would be an excellent big sister and friend. She already was the mother hen to the boys.

"So," Lanie continued, "how about we all meet at the loft in an hour?"

"That sounds great. I'm here alone, so come on in."

"Alone? Where's writer-boy?"

"He had to fly to D.C. this morning. Paula needed his help and demanded he come down there. He had planned to take the train, but Patterson said he could borrow his jet for the day. He just hired a new pilot, and the flight time is needed, anyway. They should be leaving JFK in about an hour."

"How long will he be gone?"

"Just for the day. He said he booked his return flight after 10 p.m. but is hoping he can put out what ever fire Paula has stirred up before then."

"Well, get your kiddos packed, and let's go play in the sun."

"Sounds great. We'll see you soon."

Kate put her phone on the bar and went back to sweep the cheerios. When she turned around, she saw her boys eating the pile of cereal off the floor. She laughed as she sat down with them.

* * *

Walking around the plane, he noticed one of the tires was low on air but not low enough to represent a safety issue, so he decided not to change it. He had a clipboard in his hand with a preflight checklist. The years of classes and flight lessons were slowly paying off. He learned the different flight maneuvers to fly solo. The pre-solo test was no challenge. Learning was easy for him anyway. Whenever he applied himself, he accomplished anything he put his mind to. The first job he landed after flight school was for a private security office, quietly making his way up the ladder.

His cell phone quietly buzzed in his pocket. As he removed it, he chuckled when he read the name of the caller.

"Hunter here."

"Yes, hello Mr. Hunter, this is Patterson. I am calling to see if you and the jet were up to an impromptu flight today?"

"Sure, sir. In fact, I was checking the plane right before you called."

"Great, just great. I need you to go to Washington, DC, probably in about an hour. You'll have to stay there for the day. The flight back is planned to be around seven, but could easily end up being later. Does that itinerary work for you?"

"Yes sir."

"Ok, very well then. One more thing, the flight is not for me; it's for Richard Castle. He's got to take care of some book stuff with his agent. I'm pretty sure he's flying alone."

"Not a problem. I'll make the arrangements."

"Thank you so much, Hunter. You never let me down."

With that, he taped his phone to end the call.

The day had finally arrived and much sooner than he planned. His mind was racing with everything he had to get into place with in an hour.

He tapped his phone to make one more call. After two rings, he said, "It's time. You have thirty minutes to meet me at the hangar. Today, we continue the mission."

The biggest pawn in his game was headed right for him. He was almost giddy. For so many years he had dreamt and planned for this moment.

On a bright, sunny mid-morning in April, it was all coming to an end.

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**AN: Alrighty, be gentle with me... Reviews are more than welcome!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has commented, reviewed, favorited & followed this story. Originally, I ended the story here. BUT- have no fear, there are many more chapters. Remember, the goal is 50,000 words... ;)**

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Jack and Kylie were holding hands, singing and skipping down the hall after they got off the elevator. Kate was carrying a sleeping James on her shoulder. Grady was clinging to Jenny's hand, trying to walk without falling asleep. He refused to be held and had apparently decided to fight sleep. Lanie slowly followed behind.

As they reached the door to the loft, Lanie took an exasperated breath and said, "I don't see how Javi does this."

Kate wrinkled her brow and shook her head. "What do you mean?" She opened the door, letting the children in first. Jack and Kylie ran to play in the corner of the living room.

"Anytime we go somewhere, he carries Paul in this front carrier. I swear this baby weighs a ton. He killed my back the last six months of pregnancy, and now he's doing it again."

All of the women laughed as they entered the loft.

Kate carried James to the couch and laid his head on a pillow. Grady sat next to James' feet and leaned his head back. Staring at James, Kate couldn't get over how much he looked like his father. If she ever wondered what Castle looked like as a child, she just had to look at James Richard. When he was born, they almost called him JR, but feared people would think his name was Richard junior. He was as close to a clone as they could get. He had Rick's body shape, hair color and piercing blue eyes. He was a calmer version of Rick, and Kate liked that. But that was all that separated them. The same laugh, their eyes had the same sparkle, and both shared a vivid imagination. James even favored Rick's dad, Jackson. When James was born, Jackson held him shortly after delivery and pointed out that the baby had his hands and feet.

She bent down and kissed his forehead. Running her fingers through his hair triggered a smile across her face.

As Kate went around the counter in the kitchen, she whispered to Jenny, "I'm pretty sure your little one is sacked out. Does he need a blanket?"

"No, he's fine. I'll give him a few minutes and go lay him down. He's tenacious," she said with a smile and a wink.

"Momma, momma. Can Kylie and I watch a movie? Please?" Jack stood patiently, staring at Kate with huge green eyes. He looked exactly like her. He was tall for his age, had gorgeous auburn hair with natural red highlights. Kate lost count how many times women would stop her on the street, in the market, at the park and comment on his hair, his height or his eyes.

She smiled at him, ran her fingers through his hair and along the side of his face. Just like his father, he leaned into her touch and pressed his cheek into her palm. He smiled up at her. Not to win her over for his request, but out of simple love.

"Sure, honey. Let Kylie pick out the movie, though; she's your guest."

He flashed a toothy grin and ran up the stairs with Kylie right behind him.

Lanie had set Paul in an infant seat on the floor that Kate had pulled out of the closet and then sat at the bar beside Jenny. Kate went to the refrigerator to get fruit and water for everyone. They had just eaten lunch in the park, but she was already hungry again. She liked that she could use the kids as an excuse to eat a little more often than usual.

As she was setting a bowl of freshly washed grapes on the counter, there was a knock on the front door. Kate grabbed a few grapes as she went towards the door. Before she got to it, the door opened slowly.

"Hey, Alexis. How are you?" Kate was surprised to see Alexis in the middle of the afternoon. She was a third year resident in pediatrics and had recently gotten married. She met a nice man, Owen, while traveling overseas doing research for her Doctoral thesis. They had a whirlwind romance and married within a year.

"Great, Kate, I'm great." Alexis was scanning the loft with her eyes. She looked into the office more than once.

Kate had spent enough time with Alexis and had picked up on the wrinkle of her nose and knew something was wrong. Kate lowered her chin and looked at Alexis through her lashes. That was all it took for Alexis to cave and tell her what was really wrong.

"I was supposed to meet Dad for lunch today, but he never showed. I called his cell, and he never answered. What's going on?"

Kate reached out and put her hand on Alexis' shoulder. "I'm so sorry. He never mentioned anything about having lunch with you, or I would have had him call or text you. Your dad went to Washington, DC for the day."

Alexis let out a heavy sigh. She rolled her eyes, and she leaned in to give Kate a hug, letting her know how relieved she was.

"Typical," Alexis said as she shook her head.

Nothing more needed to be said; both women smiled and walked into the kitchen.

Alexis, Lanie and Jenny said their hellos as they settled into a conversation.

Jack and Kylie's laughter came floating down the stairs. All of the women in the kitchen glanced up and laughed themselves. Paul squirmed in the infant seat, causing Lanie to lean over and rub his abdomen gently, soothing him back to sleep. The silence in the conversation was filled with Kate's cell phone ringing. As she pulled it out of her back pocket, she beamed. Lanie looked at her and winked. Everyone in the room knew who was on the other line.

As she swiped her thumb across the screen, Kate walked towards the living room. She wasn't afraid of the ladies hearing her conversation, but she didn't want to keep them from talking.

As she went around the pillar separating the two rooms, she sat down on the chaise end of the sofa. Quietly she said hello.

"Kate? Kate? Are you there?" Castle's voice was filled with panic. She knew he was trying to hide it, but he wasn't doing it really well.

"Rick, hey, I'm here."

"Can you hear me? This connection isn't the best."

She could hear the muffled sounds of people talking. Some were almost yelling while others seem to be crying.

A hint of panic crept into her voice, "What's wrong? Where are you calling from?"

Lanie, Jenny and Alexis could hear Kate almost yelling at this point. They all got quiet, glanced at each other trying to figure out what was really going on, and turned their eyes to her direction. Alexis stood up from the seat at the bar, and turned to watch Kate, but couldn't move. Lanie reached out and put her hand on the young girl's shoulder, trying to offer comfort.

"Kate, Kate! Listen to me. I don't have much time."

"What? What are you talking abou –"?

Castle cut her off. "Honey, something is wrong. I'm still on the plane. It's been high jacked."

Kate gasped for air. Her mouth was gaping open. She reached up and covered her mouth with her hand. Her eyes were wide, and she stared blankly at a spot on the floor. Alexis practically ran to Kate. She didn't need to see her face or hear the words. She knew it was her father, and she knew something was erroneous and it wasn't as simple as he missed his flight.

When Alexis came around the couch, she dropped to her knees in front of Kate. Lanie and Jenny were right behind her. Jenny had her phone in her hand. She wanted to call Kevin, but decided to wait and find out what was going on.

Kate snapped her head, focused her eyes and listened to Castle.

"There are men, three I think, and they stormed from the back of the plane and managed to get into the cockpit. Kate, I don't know how they did this, but I don't think this is going to end well."

"No. No Castle! Don't say that." All she could think was this can't be happening. This had to be a dream. Tears welled up and stormed out from her eyes.

Alexis took the phone from Kate, putting it on speaker.

"Daddy? Daddy I'm here with Kate. What's wrong?" She was so scared, but tried to hide it in her voice.

Shit! He did not need Alexis to hear this. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn't think of anything reassuring to say, but at least Kate and Alexis were together. That's where he wanted to be, together with them. He didn't want to be on a plane headed to Washington, DC, especially a plane that may never make it.

"Baby. Oh God, I'm so sorry you have to hear this. The plane has been high jacked. Please, stay with Kate and the kids."

Kate was sobbing when she said, "This can't be happening. What am I supposed to do? I can't, Castle. I won…" Her words died in her throat. How could she say those words? How could she say she couldn't live without him? If she said them, it made it real. Some way, some how, he was going to return to her, and it would not be in a body bag.

"Kate, baby, there are some things in this life that are beyond our power. We really don't get to choose whom we fall in love with nor when it's our time to go. Just like you told me all those years ago, there are no regrets, we've had a great run."

Kate was crying. Alexis was sobbing. Even Lanie and Jenny couldn't hold back the tears.

"What about the plans we had, Castle?" Kate said as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I think this is the last time I will be able to call and say goodbye. Come on, Kate. Let me hear you smile …one last time." Castle was as scared as Kate. But he took the chance and decided to use this desperate moment to tell his wife goodbye regardless of the cost.

"No! I refuse to believe this. Richard Edgar Castle, you are not saying goodbye to me like this. You hear me?"

There was static on the line causing Kate's heart to drop to her stomach. Panic engulfed her as the color drained from her face.

"This connection is getting bad. Kate, I don't have much time."

Kate wiped her eyes and found the courage to say, "Oh God, Castle. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry for everything. Everything I've ever done. God, if I had only known. I would have loved you better. I would have had more patience. I would have…" Her voice trailed off, whispering, "If I'd only known."

Castle stopped her, "No, no. Don't say this. You, oh Kate, you are the perfect wife. I know this can't be easy. But promise me. Promise me, Kate, if something bad happens, you will go on with your life." He flashed back to when they had first met and he learned of her mother's murder. He saw what it had done to her. How she had crawled up in her mother's death and hid there.

"Rick, what about the boys? They won't understand. What about our future? Our plans?"

Castle inhaled deeply. The thought of Kate having to raise three children on her own pained him. He knew she would have a great support system. She already did. Her dad was very active with the boys. His mom and dad had them spend the night many times just to have the opportunity to spoil them at will. Alexis and Owen came by numerous times through out the week. Everyone would rally around her and the children as they always had. But he knew. He knew it wouldn't be the same because he wouldn't be there.

With tears in his eyes, he tried to focus once again and said, "Alexis, baby, you still there?"

"Yes, daddy. I'm here."

"Stay there, baby. You and Kate will need each other. Help her with the boys. Promise me, Alexis. You'll be there." He paused to get control of his breathing and suspend his tears. "I'll be there when you tell them stories about me. Let them take me with them in life. And you, too, I'll be there if you're ever in trouble. I'll be there when you have babies. I'll always…"

His voice cracked and faded. Kate and Alexis looked at each other in fear. Was this the end? Did they lose the call? Did the plane fall? As they stared into each other's terror filled eyes, he came back onto the line.

"Tell the boys Daddy loves them and to be brave. They're strong boys, Kate. You've got this." For the first time since his voice came on the line, he was calm and reassuring. The love he had for his family radiated across the line.

Instinctively, Kate stood to her feet. She held the phone in the palm of her hand, stepping around Alexis she walked toward the office.

"Kate," Castle's voice ran though out the living room. "Hon, I have to go, take me off speaker."

Kate tapped the screen and held the phone to her ear.

"Don't hang up on me, Castle. Don't you dare! There are so many more things I need to say." She took a deep breath before and slowly whispering into the phone, "I want to hold you, touch you, kiss you. Oh, to be there with you."

She paused, but only to blink away tears. "I love you so much."

"Kate, I am so sorry. I don't think you understand or know how much I love you. I wish I were with you, to have your lips grace mine, to feel your body against mine one last time. I wish so many things, just one last time…"

"Rick, I love you so much. I should have told you more often." Kate spoke in almost a whisper, as her voice shook.

"I know you do. Trust me when I say you are the perfect wife, you are and will always be the best mother to our sons, and I know Johanna will be the answer to our prayer. I'll be there when she comes into the world, I'll be there as the kids grow up, and I'll be there with you. Always, Kate, alwa…"

The phone abruptly went silent. His call had done it so many times in the past three minutes. She wasn't sure what had happened, but in her heart, she knew.

It was almost like she felt him leave. She cried out into the phone, "Castle? Rick, can you still hear me?"

She fell to her knees onto the floor in front of the office door. Tears arose and spilled down her cheeks as she began to shake uncontrollably. She pulled the phone from her ear and looked at the screen. The signal had died after three minutes and forty-seven seconds. Jack, James and Castle's flour covered faces were smiling back at her.

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**A/N: Don't worry, this is far from over.**

**Until next week...**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: WOW! Thank you to everyone who is following this story. When I set out to do this, I never expected this type of attention.**

**Just a little FYI: I am leaving for Asia on Wednesday. I will post while I am away. Monday's are my goal, I just may be off by a "few" hours. **

**Enjoy chapter 3! **

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Kate looked out over the crowd. All she could recognize were sad faces from fellow detectives and officers. There were also faces from the mayor's office and some random others she had probably met at high society parties.

Friends, family, fans and even the media had descended on her quiet life. Four days had passed since the plane crash before the media was notified about Castle's death.

Paula called Kate the afternoon it happened. She was expecting Castle to arrive in D.C. around 2:00 pm. When he wasn't there by 5:00, she decided to call his cell. When he didn't answer, she called the loft. Kate was there but was in the middle of speaking with the Highway Patrol from Maryland on her cell. Jenny had answered Paula's call but just said neither Kate nor Rick was available. Paula grew even more concerned and had to dig through Rick's emergency contact paperwork before she found Kate's cell number.

Paula proved to be a godsend and immediately took care of Castle's funeral and memorial arrangements. She coordinated the church, the burial and dinner afterwards. Paula was in continual contact with Kate, Alexis and Martha asking their preferences, but most of the details she handled herself.

Kate decided she was going to try and be friends with Paula once the nightmare was over. She had definitely judged her too harshly.

* * *

Alex Conrad was giving a speech about their time together. He tried to keep it light and bring happy memories to the crowd. Alex was chuckling as he recalled a story about a time when he and Castle were at the Old Haunt, discussing his latest novel at the time.

Martha and Alexis sat in the front row with Jackson and Owen. Jim Beckett sat next to Alexis and was holding James. He had fallen asleep on his grandpa's lap. Jack was sitting between Jackson and Martha. He held Martha's hand with one of his chubby little hands and ran his other hand across Jackson's cheek. A sad smile crept across Kate's face as she watched her oldest son. The way he was caressing his grandma's hand reminded Kate of the way Castle would stroke her hand.

Alexis was openly weeping. She had her head on Owen's shoulder, letting her tears fall onto his suit jacket. Martha sat dry-eyed relying on her inner core of strength. She blankly stared straight ahead. Kate slowly looked at each of the faces sitting in the front row. The mahogany casket sat between her and the sea of faces.

The casket was empty. Kate thought it was ironic, and her mind immediately went back to the time he kept whining about people not using the word correctly. Great, just great! Here she sat at the funeral of the love of her life, and she was as empty as the casket.

She could not believe that he was gone. The simple thought of the world, her world, without Richard Castle in it was too much to bear. Her heart ached for everyone on the front row. Martha had lost her son, Jackson had missed so many years with his son and now lost him completely, Alexis and the boys had lost their father. As soon as the thought entered her head, the baby gave her a quick jab in her abdomen.

Her own heart was breaking. How was she supposed to face the world without him? How could she exist without seeing him again, touching him, hearing his laughter, watching him play with their children? Life was going to go on, but a world without him, was not the life she wanted to live.

Her mind knew he was gone, but her heart, well, her heart needed more time to accept that there was no Castle.

For the past four days, she had been wandering around in a dazed fog. She was robotically going through the motions of life, caring for the boys and barely caring for herself. She hadn't cried since the phone call from Castle.

One of the faces in the crowd slipped her a folded piece of paper, which she kept running between her fingers. With so many faces giving her their comforts, she wasn't sure who had slipped the paper into her palm. She could see the ink stained letters written on the inside but couldn't bring herself to see what was inscribed. Staring blankly at it, she couldn't find the strength to focus. It was not that she didn't care what other people thought, how they felt or how they wanted to convey their condolences. At this moment, their words did not feel as comfort, compassion or sympathy. She could only see their pity towards her.

Kate's stomach flipped into her throat as her breath caught there, too. She was instantly dizzy as the room began to spin. She needed air. There were too many people, and they had forced all of the oxygen out of the room. As panic drenched her body, she tried to calm herself. She closed her eyes tightly, took a few deep breaths and tried to fight off the feeling that she was going to smother.

Gina was supposed to speak next, and then Kate was expected to end the service. The podium was in front, to her left. Gina was sitting next to her, quietly wiping tears. She glanced to her left as Kate let out a loud gasp of air. She could see the paleness come over Kate's face. Small beads of sweat were starting to gather and trickle down her forehead. Kate rapidly blinked, trying to get her vision to steady but everything was blurred. She only saw shapes and colors.

She desperately wanted to leave. She could not stay another second. The back exit beckoned her. Her stomach clenched and tossed again as she felt her face burn.

When Gina reached over to take her hand, Kate almost yelped from being startled. "Honey, are you okay? You do not look good."

Kate tried to smile but felt the contents of her stomach beginning to rise.

"I've gotta get out of here. Now."

Kate stood, her eyes darting from side to side searching for the fastest way to that exit. She almost knocked Alex over when she left the front. As fast as she could, she made her way up the side aisle of the church. The distance between her and the back doors seemed to get further away instead of closer. Yet, she couldn't stop. She had to get out of there before her lungs burst.

When she finally made it to the door, no matter how she grabbed and turned the handle, the door would not open. She tried to take a deep breath and was about to try again when a hand reached around her and opened it for her.

Darting for the sidewalk, she didn't even try to look at who her savior was. The air and sunshine hitting her face were welcomed but provided little comfort.

Her stomach flipped and threatened to turn against her as she ran for the edge of the building. Supporting herself against the wall, she doubled over and finally let her stomach release its fury. What little she had eaten that morning, ferociously left her body. She wiped her mouth and then retched again. There were no contents to exit her stomach. Regardless of how hard she tried, she couldn't stop from heaving, bringing up bile.

"Are you okay?"

Not again!

How many times in one hour could someone ask Kate if she was okay? On days like today, the offending question really should be outlawed.

A hand was resting on her upper back and the fingers slowly began to rub circles. She coughed a few times to clear her throat and to confirm that her stomach was settled enough. As she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, she slowly raised her head to stand up.

Her legs were shaking and she wanted to slide down the edge of the building, but she gathered her strength and turned to see who was trying to offer her comfort. Her trembling legs almost gave way as she saw a set of familiar blue eyes staring back at her. His dark hair was a little longer, illuminating a soft curl she had never noticed before.

The skin under his eyes was a darker than she remembered. But his bright smile was unmistakable.

She gasped as he reached out for her before she fell against his chest.

He gazed down into her eyes. His eyes were still kind, and the sunlight amplified the blue tint. A treacherous tear was caught in her lashes. Bringing his hand up to wipe them away, she smiled.

"De-Demming. What are you doing here?"

"Well, I could say something all smart-assy. But, under the circumstances." He let his voice trail off as he wiped her tears and mascara onto his pant leg.

He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her to him. She still fit comfortably by his side after all these years.

Aside from a few precinct meetings and gatherings, they had not seen each other in almost ten years. Esposito had told her when Tom got married to an entertainment lawyer named Rachael.

He pulled her towards the sidewalk and headed back towards the doors of the church.

Kate pulled back, releasing herself from his hold and stopped. Shaking her head, "I'm sorry, Tom. I just can't go back in there. Not right now."

"Hey, that's fine. Personally, I don't want to go back in there either. No offense."

"None taken." She smiled slightly, looking at her feet whispering "Thanks."

"I know how you feel. Today's all about putting on a front."

Confused, Kate looked into his eyes. "What? You know…"

She didn't want to finish. She was hoping he was just being understanding.

"Yeah, about eighteen months ago. Um, Rachael, my wife, was hit by a cab and she…she..." His demeanor instantly changed. He slumped as he began to shuffle his feet and he shoved his hands into his pockets. Quavering, he lifted his head up. He slowly walked to the steps and sat down. Kate followed suit, sitting next to him.

The cars in the street continued on their tasks. People remained with their business, walking up and down the sidewalk.

There was a hearse parked directly in front of them and two limos behind it. Kate was staring at the cars. She knew Tom would talk at his own pace. All of the thoughts running through her head were not going to allow much more inside. Maybe, just maybe, he might be the precise distraction she needed.

Tom placed his elbows on his knees and brought his hands up to cradle his head. Gently, he worked his fingers in a circular motion at his temples.

Watching him brought a smile to Kate's face. She thought back to the brief time they dated, and anytime he was overwhelmed with a case, tired or trying to relax, rubbing his temples was his go-to element.

Their romance was short-lived, but she grew to know him in the few weeks. Tom was never one to hide information from her. He stopped rubbing his head and let his hands fall between his legs.

"I've been where you are Kate, yet I don't know what to say."

"There's nothing to say. Well, nothing that could really change anything. But thank you."

"Hmm, you haven't changed. You were always so polite and kind."

This made Kate laugh. Not much of a laugh, but enough that Tom heard it.

"What would you rather I say?"

"Anything you want. Nothing would be inappropriate." Tom scooted closer to Kate, taking her hand into his.

"Grief, it's a fickle bitch though. Some days you control it, but most you find yourself unable to do so. The best advice I can give you is, let yourself go through it when it comes and let it go when you can. I've walked this path; I've felt your pain, but I can't understand your journey."

As he looked into her eyes, she could see the pain and aching that was mirrored in her own. She also saw a glimmer of the love and tenderness he always had for her. Already, her heart was aching and thinking about their break up made it hurt a little more.

He turned his head so he didn't have to look her in the eyes. He gazed straight ahead at the hustle and bustle of the New York traffic. "Just remember, grief is necessary for letting go of sorrow. But don't let it have a lasting rest stop within your life."

She knew Tom cared for her. Sometimes, she was sure he wanted to love her. The summer after they broke up, she wondered if she has made a mistake.

How differently would her life had been if she had chosen him?

What would it have been like to wake up next to Tom instead of Castle?

But when she closed her eyes at night; it was Castle's face she saw. It was his lips she tasted in her dreams. It was his hands touching her body that she desired most. Yes, Tom had a special place in her heart. But Castle owned her heart. Castle was in her veins. She was a one-writer girl, dead or alive.

"Did you know that this is the church were Castle and I were married?"

Tom's eyes were wide as he looked at her. She bit her bottom lip and gently shook her head up and down.

"Yeah, the last time I was on these steps, I was dressed in a long white gown, he was in a tux and we were getting pictures taken."

Just then, the doors to the church were thrown opened. Lanie exhaled deeply, saying, "Sweetie, is everything alright? Are you okay?"

Kate gave her signature eye roll as a light laugh echoed in her throat. She looked at Tom and whispered, "That question right there, I've had enough of that one."

An all-encompassing smile came over his face, causing him to chuckle as he let go of her hand. Lanie was walking down the steps and coming to stand in front of them. As she rounded them, he leaned into her ear and said, "Get used to it. Put on your poker face and find a good answer, 'cause even after all this time, I still hear it." He patted her hand as he sat it back on her thigh.

Lanie's eyes darted back and forth between the two. She saw his hand atop Kate's. They were sitting too close for Lanie's comfort, on the steps of the church at Kate's husband's funeral, of all places. Did Kate have no shame? Kate bit her bottom lip, giving Lanie an innocent look.

"Girl, what are you doing?" spat Lanie, slowly drawing out each word.

Kate wasn't exactly sure what Lanie's intentions were, but she knew her own were not what they seemed. Kate stood to her feet, placing her hand on Demming's shoulder.

"Lanie, you remember Detective Tom Demming?"

Giving him a cold glare, then raising her eyebrows as her eyes dart towards Kate, she said, "Uh-huh" with her usual sass and flare.

Demming felt the tension radiating from Lanie. He glanced at Kate as he rose to his feet and extended his hand towards Lanie. With hesitation, she took it. He gave her a swift handshake. "It's great to see you again, Lanie. How's Javi?"

"Nuh-uh. You don't get to act like this," she says with her head tilted and eyebrows raised.

Kate's furrows her brow and says, "Lanie, I came out here because being in there is too much. Tom was just lending support."

She paused before she said, "Did you know Tom's wife died a year and a half ago?"

Sorrow and pity instantly came over Lanie's face. "Oh, I'm sorry Tom. Javi mentioned that you took some time off from work, but he never said anything more."

"Yeah. Well it's not exactly a topic I make sure is brought up in conversation."

Lanie turned to Kate and explained that the service was almost over and they should go back in.

"You know, you did make a bit of an exit. People are wondering."

Kate closed her eyes and shook her head. "I really don't care. I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of there."

Kate looked at Tom then back to Lanie. Exhaling slowly, she puffed out her cheeks, forming an "O" with her lips. She closed her eyes and lifted her face towards the sun. She felt tired. She felt weary. She wanted nothing more than to open her eyes and find this was all a horrific nightmare, because it sure as hell wasn't a dream.

When she opened her eyes, she told Lanie, "As much as I don't want to, I'll go back."

"Oh sweetie, I can't even fathom what you're going through. But you know we're all here for you."

Kate let out a soft snicker. "Yeah, I know."

Without another thought, she snapped, "But I don't want you."

Before the last syllable left her mouth, she was already regretting saying anything. She put her head down and tightly closed her eyes as she brought her hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose.

There were no tears. There was a little regret. She exhaled deeply twice before opening her eyes.

"Lanie, I'm –"

Lanie cut her off, waving her hand at Kate. "Don't. No need."

Kate tried to smile. She and Lanie have been friends long enough that Kate knew she didn't have to hide her feelings. Tom reached for her elbow and said, "Kate, you need to go back inside."

"I know," she whispered.

She reached into her pocket for a tissue. Her fingers scraped across the harshness of the paper she had been holding while in the church. Slowly, she pulled it out and unfolded the paper to read the words. Her mouth opens slightly as she registers their content.

_"Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive."_

Funny, because the last thing she felt was alive. And what did it say about her since she hadn't cried in days. In Kate's mind, that little slip of paper did nothing more than confirm that she was dead inside. Her heart was clenched just like a fist and much tighter than she had ever experienced.

Lanie put her arm around Kate's shoulder and said, "Come on, girl. You can sit with Javi and me."

Kate sighed as she turned to walk up the stairs. Years ago, the pilgrimage up these same stairs were filled with hope, joy and love. But not today, no; today this journey was filled with pain, despair and sorrow.

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**A/N: I know, I know... Demming! Don't forget, I have to come up with 50,000 words. There are MANY more chapters to go.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Good morning from sunny Seoul, South Korea! Here's chapter 4 and it's early! Thank you so much to everyone that's reading. Your reviews and comments mean a lot to me. **

**Here's your Korean/Hungal lesson for today: Gamsahabnida (감사합니다****), which means "Thank you"!**

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The early morning sunlight was scarcely trickling in through the windows of the bedroom. A sliver of light was creeping in through the blinds, running across the floor, up the side of the bed and sparkling directly onto Kate's face. She grumbled at the light and warmth.

She was so tired. Exhausted didn't even begin to explain how tired she felt. Jack had been sent home from school, and the doctor said he had strep throat. Shortly after she came home with Jack, James began throwing up. Luckily, Alexis saved her another trip to the doctor and figured he had food poisoning. To top everything off, the baby in her womb was restless. She was constantly moving and seemed to be using Kate's ribs as a set of monkey bars and her bladder as a personal squeeze toy.

At 4:30 a.m., she heard James cry from his bed. Kate laid still in the darkness, hoping he was just having a bad dream. Staring at the ceiling, she heard what was more of a whimper than a cry, thus knowing he was still asleep. Kate let out a huge sigh of relief and instantly fell back asleep.

Since the morning sunlight made its unwelcomed arrival, Kate tried desperately to go back to sleep. She tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. Being pregnant was doing little to help the situation. She rolled to her side, which apparently woke the baby and took her mother's movements as an invitation to start jumping.

Kate rubbed her belly, hoping it would calm her baby girl. She kept her breaths slow and even, with her eyes closed. Within minutes, she knew her efforts were in vain. She opened her eyes and gazed at Castle's pillow. Either the baby kicked her harder than usual, or her heart was truly hurting. The pain in her chest was stinging.

She reached her hand out and stroked the pillow. Envisioning him laying beside her, she rubbed where his head would lie. She knew he would still be asleep at this time of the morning.

Her mind was flooded with thoughts of running her fingers though his hair. She envisioned herself gracefully stroking the shell of his ear, coming down his jaw, then softly across his nose before caressing her thumb across his eyebrows.

Softly, in a whisper, she murmured, "I miss you. But you already know that, don't you?"

A solitary tear escaped her eye and rushed to her pillow. She didn't even attempt to wipe it away or stop its route.

"At night, when I can't sleep, I stare are the empty side of the bed. Where you're supposed to be. I wonder about all of the things you would say if you were lying next to me."

On many occasions when she couldn't sleep, Castle would draw her close to him. He would wrap his arms around her waist and pull her back to his chest. Just lying close to each other, feeling him breathe and the beating of his heart was enough to calm her contesting mind and allow sleep to creep in.

He would breathe in the scent of her hair and gently place a kiss on her cheek, and in a voice that was quieter than a whisper, he would begin to tell her a story. Sometimes he told stories about where he saw them in the future. Others were stories of make-believe lands with kings and queens. Of course, many others would be about spies and CIA conspiracies.

On nights when she was stressed beyond her comfort, he would simply hold her tight and begin to rub his hands across her abdomen and up her arms.

Heaviness came over her. She allowed herself to cry but not for long. As she began to tremble, she dreadfully swung her legs over the edge of the bed. She hung her head, shaking it back and forth. Lifting her hand up, she ran it through her hair. Recently, she had cut her hair into a cute bob that sat just above her shoulders but still hadn't gotten use to the usual length being gone.

Between Jack waking from crying in pain, James throwing up in the bathroom and the unborn baby performing circus acts, Kate wasn't even sure she was awake or just dreaming that she was. The cold floor beneath her feet sent shivers up her spine letting her know she was awake.

She had removed the white rug that was once displayed under the bed. When James was barely walking, he had spilled an entire bottle of perfume on the rug. The smell was so overwhelming, there was no other choice. She and Castle said that they would replace it one day. But that day never came, and now it just seemed like a bad joke to do it.

It was times like this when she missed Castle the most. She knew that he would have been up with her. He would have given Jack his medicine or rubbed his back to help him fall asleep. She envisioned him sitting on the bathroom floor with James as he said his prayers to the porcelain gods. She fondly remembered finding the boys resting peacefully on Castle's chest as he sat in bed typing on his laptop or reading. As she rubbed her now swollen belly, it made her heart ache that their daughter would never get to experience such a simple, yet glorious thing like a nap with Daddy.

The thoughts of him being with her make her heart hurt. She was afraid of forgetting the way his hands felt against her skin, his breath on her neck, the taste of his lips on hers, the sound of his laugh when she would roll her eyes at some preposterous story idea he had concocted. The smell of his skin was gone from their bed. She ached to feel him next to her, his heart beating with hers. She knew she was strong, but with each passing day, she questioned her strength.

Almost three months have passed since the plane crashed in Maryland. There were no survivors. No bodies. The police found barely any luggage. As if mocking her, the only pieces of physical evidence belonging to Castle found at the crash site were his wedding band and his watch. When the officer delivered it to her, she wasn't sure if it was fitting or a grotesque joke the universe was playing on her. The mere sight of each object did nothing more but remind her how painfully she missed him.

Badly, so badly, she needed him. She wanted him. She desired him.

His watch and wedding band sat on her nightstand in the small crystal candy dish she used to keep on her desk at the Twelfth Precinct. The one he made sure was always full with her favorite candy.

She couldn't bring herself to wear his watch. Her father's was the only one she could accept to wear. Her mother's ring was still draped around her neck on a thin chain.

One afternoon, Alexis suggested that they take his wedding band and melt it down to make something for each of the kids. _Even on the worst day, there's a possibility for joy._

She liked the idea, but felt that by doing that she was acknowledging his death and closing him out of her life forever. For always.

Many nights, after the kids had gone to sleep and the loft was completely still and quiet, she would open his laptop and slide his ring onto her finger. Of course it was way too big to fit, but just having it on her felt as if he was close, as if he was there by her side, as if he were the one touching her, not just the cold and bare metal.

She looked over at the bedside table searching for the clock. It was barely 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday. She closed her eyes and decided to climb back into bed. As she pulled the blankets up over her body, she rolled onto her left side. Her brain was awake, despite how her body felt. Taking slow, deep breathes, she tried to quiet her mind and drift back to sleep.

After fifteen minutes, she was still awake. The loft was tranquil. The boys were still asleep in their own beds.

A month before Jackson was born, Castle had the sitting room adjacent to their bedroom converted into a small nursery. With the baby due soon, Alexis and Owen had come over and helped put the nursery together. As Kate sat up on the edge of the bed, she looked to see the empty crib. Only a few more weeks and their daughter would be here.

She stood and rubbed her eyes. There was no sense in lying in bed; her mind was not going to rest. Looking at her phone, she was relieved to see she hadn't missed any calls or texts during the night. Sitting back on the bed, she drew her legs underneath her and strummed her thumb across the screen. She automatically went to her list of contacts, then to her favorites. She tapped Castle's name.

After the accident, she couldn't bring herself to cancel his number. Even though the phone had never been recovered, she knew his voicemail was still in service. Many nights, when the pain was too much, she would call him, just to hear his voice.

The phone rang four times before his voice filled her ear.

_"Hi, you've reached Richard Castle. I'm unable to take your call at the moment, so if you'd like, leave a message and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible. And if this is Esplanie or Honey-Milk, you better have planned to bring more cash to our poker game. Thanks!"_

She slid off the bed and into a robe. Walking through the office, she headed into the kitchen to make coffee. Being pregnant, she was told she was only allowed one cup a day. She used to crave it. But ever since Castle's death, she hadn't had much desire for it. Without him there to bring it to her, it seemed pointless now. But on days like today, she would brew herself a single cup, just to be able to imagine him by her side.

She heard her phone chirp with a text message. Why would someone send a text this early in the morning? Kate thought about waiting for the coffee to finish brewing but didn't want the noise to echo through the quiet loft and wake the boys. Everyone would be awake soon enough.

She didn't care who was messaging her so early. Since Castle's death, she had received tons of calls, texts, letters, cards, and emails. She had painfully gone through and replied to each one. As she padded across the living room, the chirping stopped.

She turned to go back to the kitchen but decided to sit at the desk in the office.

Sinking down into his leather chair sent shivers up her spine. The chair was cold and tough. She swayed from side to side with her head against the back and her eyes closed. She opened her eyes and looked at Castle's laptop on the desk.

She sometimes liked to open it and stare blankly at the screen, but it had never been powered on since that dreadful day. Kate strummed her fingers across the top, quietly and methodically. Slowly, she put her thumb under the ridge and opened the computer. Today was the day.

Within a minute, it sprung to life. A small window appeared prompting for a password. Kate exhaled forcefully as she laid her head back against the chair. She never thought of needing a password.

She stared at the screen disputing to close it and walk away. But something urged her to try. She placed her fingers on the keys and typed a word. Once she hit enter, the little box shook, letting her know the password was wrong. She tried another one. Again it was wrong. Placing her elbow on the desk, she put her chin into her palm. She blankly stared at the keys trying to think of what Castle could have possibly used as a password. Deciding to try one last phrase, she typed it in.

Oh, Castle! Of course this was his password.

The screen opened to a picture of her and the boys. She was sitting on the hospital bed, having just given birth. Jack was on her lap, holding James. She was smiling at Jack as he was displaying the biggest smile at his baby brother. Gently, she raised her finger to the screen and stoked the boys' faces. A smile spread across her face as tears flooded her eyes. She had no idea Castle ever took the picture.

Thinking back to that day, a rush of memories deluged her mind.

Thoughts of their life. Their future. Their love. Blinking away the tears, she ran her finger along the mouse pad.

There were files for Castle's various novels. Alexis and each boy had their own file and then she discovered a file on the desktop labeled _Always_. As she clicked on it, it sprung open displaying an assortment of libraries. One was for word documents, another for pictures, a third held audio files.

She clicked and opened the file for pictures. He had saved every picture they had ever taken. Some pictures were of him, several of them together. She opened the one of them in Paris. Then clicked to one of them at the Golden Gate Bridge. She actually laughed out loud at one of them at their wedding.

_She had forgotten they had even taken a picture in the photo booth at the wedding. A large variety of props were offered; he donned a Viking hat, and she had put on a pair of pink oversized sunglasses. At the last minute, he wrapped a feather boa around their necks. He had a big goofy grin as she adoringly gazed at his face._

But most of the pictures were of her and to her own surprise, many she had never seen nor knew he had taken. She didn't realize how well of a reconnaissance he was. He had a photo of her dressed in sweats, curled up on the couch, reading a book. Another was of her in the kitchen with Alexis baking cookies at Christmas. He even had one of her looking over a murder board at the precinct. From behind.

She smiled as she closed the last picture. Slowly moving the arrow to the file titled "For Kate". Fear gripped her heart as she choked back a breath. She had no idea what to expect once she opened the file. Part of her almost wished it were empty.

At the last minute, she clicked opened the audio files. Scrolling through the list, she found the song he loved to sing to her. She clicked the file and music softly flooded the office.

As the music quieted and came to an end, she reached for a tissue on the desk and wiped her eyes.

She hoped by looking into his computer, she could make him feel close to her. She missed him and wanted nothing more than to feel him there. Taking the tissue, she placed it over her eyes as she leaned back. Lacing her fingers, she put her palms over her eyes.

After a few deep breaths, she removed the tissue, sat up and went to the file she had been avoiding. Rapidly, she clicked it open. The screen became filled with words.

A small, weak cry came from upstairs, breaking her concentration. She looked at the clock, reading 6:47 a.m. The boys normally woke around seven. Her eyes flashed from the screen to the door. Leaning over the arm of the desk chair, she peered through the door to the stairs. The cry was soft, causing her to think one of them was just crying out in his sleep.

After waiting a minute and not hearing anyone move around or cry again, she redirected her attention to the screen.

She looked at the title and scanned the page. As her eyes drifted to the bottom, she saw there were only four pages. Castle had written a letter to her.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and held it for a few seconds. As she exhaled, she asked herself, did she really want to do this? Or more accurately, was she strong enough to do it? Maybe this was what would make her feel closer to him.

She always liked his work, even before they met. It was his words that helped keep her together after her mother's death. It was his words that brought them together. Granted, she couldn't stand him upon first meeting him. But their love was a low ember that he continually fanned causing to turn into a bright flame.

What did she have to lose? She had already lost him. This couldn't possible be more painful.

_My dearest Kate-_

_That sounds so cliché. But I can't think of a better word to do you justice. I have no real reason to be writing this, other than I am taking a break from writing my novel. I know I do that often. But instead of hearing Nikki's voice, I hear yours._

_Yesterday, I got in a cab to go to Grand Central Station and met the most amazing cabby. As usual we were stuck in traffic and he was a talker. Nice guy from Texas that was either gay or extremely romantic. He asked if I had any problem with music. At first, I thought what a dumb question. He later said he had to ask because he mainly listened to country music and "few Yankees do". Anyway, I see you rolling your eyes, so I'll move on…_

_He played a few songs that made me think of you. But if I'm going to be honest, everything makes me think of you. (And yes, I see that ludicrous grin on your face, too.)_

_There is no real reason for this, which I have already said. Many years ago, after I had learned that you heard me say I love you in the cemetery, my mother told me that for a man who works with words; I sure had a hard time using them at the right time. That thing's would be easier if I always said the right thing._

_Don't ever tell her this, but she's right. Okay, partially correct. I'm a wordsmith and can use them to tell a story, paint a picture, and bring a creature to life. But you know what I can't do? I can't find the right words when it comes to you._

_Did you know it took me months to write my wedding vows? I researched and read almost everything I could get my hands on, and nothing seemed worthy of you._

_ I know I have said you are extraordinary, which you definitely are. But that word pales in comparison to who you truly are. _

_The first year we dated, I wanted nothing more than to drop on one knee and ask you to be mine forever, for always. But I wanted this to really be our always. I had already been through two marriages and what did I really know?_

_All I know, or knew, is love would be so much easier if you never had to worry with what someone else feels or believes. But living life like that is to live life as strangers._

_But, let's not go there._

_Kate, not only are you extraordinary, but you are a rare breed. Of all the women in the world, none are like you. I know you are broken; we both are. But your brokenness makes me whole. Our shattered souls will forever be interlaced. I find peace in you._

_There are so many things in you that bring me happiness. That makes me a better man. Having you by my side, late at night, feeling your warmth, both from your body and your heart. Your smile, your arms wrapped around me, your love… it doesn't get any better than this. Yet, since you have come into my life, life always does._

_So, back to the cabby song… It was by a girl, sweet voice. I think he said LeeAnn Rhyme, Rhythm, something-or-other. _

_There's a verse that spoke to me. She sings of love, understandably. But in the chorus she sang about walls. How fighting and falls make love worth it. For the longest time, we danced around the dangers. We both hid in the shadows. And eventually, climbing yet another wall was not a fear of ours. In the time I have come to know you, I have concluded that we all put up walls around our hearts. Not to keep people out, but to see who is worthy enough to scale those walls._

_Life is weird. Love is weird. We don't get to choose who we fall in love with. We just get this person who is all right and all wrong at the same time. Except, sometimes, they drive you insane, you still love them so much. And it seems the one thing that attracts you to them the most is the one thing that drive you crazy. No one can explain it. But the reason it is so confusing is because it's love. But if love didn't have any challenges, what would be the point?_

_Together we learned to speak the truth, rather than hide it. We became confident that letting go and being honest didn't destroy us, or leave us vulnerable and exposed. No, it did the opposite. It let us know we were crossing over to the other side. And a side we both were longing for… a place of love, openness and acceptance. We have been able to look behind each other's mask and offer grace. _

_Just as I said before, what you thought was broken within you is what healed the brokenness within me. Being in love, we have found out who we really are. I believe we are all solely made of flaws, defects and mistakes. Yet stitched together with good intentions. Life is like photography. We develop from the negatives._

Kate went on to read the final paragraph of the letter. By his tone, she knew he never intended to give it to her but wasn't concerned if she ever read it.

She cried the entire time. At first, the tears were ones of sorrow and longing. But by the end, they were tears of love and happiness. She still missed him, but for that brief time, she felt as if he was in the room with her. As if he was there, reading this beautiful note to her with his own voice.

Kate wiped her eyes with a tissue and closed the laptop. She gently caressed the top and slowly whispered, "Thank you. I love you. You will forever be my always," into the open air of the office.

It was almost time for the boys to wake up. Since they were both sick, she planned to stay home, cuddle and watch movies. Today would be their pajama day.

She remembered her phone had a message.

Kate went to the room to retrieve her phone. Her face was still misty from the onset of tears. She ran her finger across the bottom to read the text message that came in. Her heart dropped to her stomach as she read the words from Alexis.

_Kate, call me ASAP!_

_ I got a text you need to see._

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**A/N: I am having a busy, exciting trip! But because this trip is so much busier than I thought it would be, I may not get chapter 5 posted until I get back. It will only be a few days late. And I know just about everyone says this, but please trust me that this story is going to end well. Be brave. I promise I WON'T let you down!**

**Again, gamsahabnida!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I apologize for the extreme lateness of this post. There were time constraints and problems with internet availability that prevented me from posting this sooner. I have been shocked to learn internet is not as reliable in Tokyo as it was in Seoul. Which has definitely captured my heart. I believe it is time for a rewrite of a little tune and change it to "I Left My Heart in Seoul"!**

**Enjoy!**

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Smoke was billowing in through the windows, making it difficult to breathe. Heat would come and go in waves, reaching his face, the combination of heat and pain finally waking him up. Stretching a hand up, he sought out the cause of the pain on his forehead. A bump was beginning to form under the skin, and his hand felt something warm and gooey. Blood? The coppery smell in his nostrils, the one he craved for after each one of his kills, that was the only confirmation he needed before he established it was blood. Once his hand came back into view, he could see a light coating of blood on his fingers.

The plane had slid across the field and stopped just mere feet from a huge tree. The pilot ran his hands along his abdomen, checking for any blood or pain. He found the buckle to the seat belt and released it. His body slumped as the restraint let go of its hold, and he let out a long breath. Disregarding the persistent pain in the back of his skull, he looked around before climbing out of the pilot seat. He raised himself on his unsteady legs. As his weight settled to his ankles, pain shot back up his leg causing him to let out a minor curse.

He could hear faint moaning coming from behind him. He stood completely still, tightened his lips and closed his eyes, concentrating to decipher the exact location of the noises.

He hobbled between the pilot seats to the door to the cabin. The plane was a customized Dornier 328 Jet. Originally, the plane was built to hold 30 passengers. Patterson had it personalized with plush chairs and a couch along one side sacrificing seating space towards comfort.

The door to the cabin had been damaged in the crash. When he reached for the handle and tried to turn it, the handle broke off into his hand. He began to feel woozy and dizzy. Placing his forehead against the door, he took a few deep breaths to steady himself. As he looked in the cockpit for something to open the door, the moaning became quiet.

He was in the dark of what was waiting on the other side of the door. Deciding to take a chance, he lunged at the door, causing it to pop open. He caught himself against the doorframe to stabilize himself, listening for any signs of life.

Almost three quarters of the top of the plane was gone. A small fire was burning the ground to his right. He could see the cabin. The body of a man was lying in the aisle. He studied it as he approached, checking for movement. Nothing caught his eye, so he bent down checking for a pulse. The body was cold and lifeless. With a surge of adrenaline feeding from his creeping panic, he rolled the body to its side. A sinister smile came across his face when he realized it was one of his hijackers. He let out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

He then took another step when he heard moaning again. About three feet from where he stood, there was another body. This one was still restrained to his seat and that was the only thing keeping the man on the seat from completely collapsing over.

Softly, he approached the man. He stepped on something that cracked like glass triggering the man in the seat to let out a soft whimper. He was saying something, but Tyson had a hard time deciphering what he said.

The pilot scanned his surrounds and then examined the man without touching him. He looked for blood and any injuries. To his surprise, the man looked intact. The last thing he needed was for him to be badly hurt.

He looked to the back of the plane and saw another body. It was dressed the same as the first. He watched the torso looking for any signs of life and was pleased when he realized the other kidnapper was also dead.

The man in the seat had a sallow look to his face. If he hadn't been whimpering, the pilot would have thought he was dead, also. But much to his relief, the moans would not go unrequited.

The crash was so precisely calculated, the injury to his ankle was merely extraneous damage. Those flying lessons had finally paid off.

As Tyson placed his hand under the man's jaw, he forcefully pushed his head towards the back of the plane seat. He had to get a better look to determine his identity.

Flopping like a limp noodle, the man's head hit the seat back and he whimpered again. A smile creepily came over Tyson's face. His plan had worked.

He landed a job as a pilot. He recruited men to stage a hijacking. He finally had his day with Richard Castle and everything went as planned and even better. Not only did the plane crash, but also, Castle survived. He was worth more to Tyson alive than dead. Yes, death was Tyson's ultimate goal for Castle. But since he survived, he would have much more fun with his prey.

* * *

"Ryan here" Detective Ryan was sitting at his desk, trying to understand the document on his computer screen. His partner, Esposito, had ducked out for a few minutes to pick them up some lunch. He first thought when his phone rang that Javi had forgotten his order, his money or something equally trivial.

"Yeah, um Ryan, this is Demming. How ya doing?" Demming spoke rather softly and if he hadn't said his name, Ryan wouldn't have had a clue who was on the line.

"I'm good, how's everything in robbery?" Ryan knew about what had happened between him and Beckett at the funeral. He was as shocked as Lanie. He was also a little more understanding than the others. Any time the incident came up in conversation, Ryan was quick to defend Beckett and her actions. They all knew she was devoted and faithful to Castle, but they were still in shock at what she had done that day.

"Things are good. Things are rocking as usual. You know, someone got robbed, someone else did it. Of course, things would be a little better if we had our own espresso machine down here."

They both let out a small chuckle to fill the gap in the strained chat.

As Ryan began to speak, Demming cut him off. "Hey, there's a reason I called. I was given a case last night of a smash and grab in an apartment on the upper west side. There was a murder there a few years ago. But, um…" Demming hesitated. He reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to find the words to drop the news on Ryan.

"OK, was there a murder this time, too? Because if that's the case, I'd think that's not going to increase property value," Ryan lightly laughed.

Demming tried to laugh, too but couldn't. "You know what, it would just be easier if I came up there and talked to you in person."

"Alright, see you in a few."

As he hung up, Esposito stepped off the elevator. He was carrying a brown paper bag and two drinks. He unceremoniously plopped the bag of food on Ryan's desk, and sat down. But as he began to open the bag, Ryan piped up, "Don't get too comfy. Turns out your boy Demming got a case and wants to come up and talk to us about it."

"Us? Why? Someone get murdered?"

"I don't know. He didn't really say. Just said there was a robbery at an apartment where a murder happened a few years ago. Then he got all quiet and said he was… There he is." Ryan nodded towards the elevator.

Demming stepped off the elevator and looked towards Kate's desk. Detective Andrew Pence was now the new owner. He was an average man of typical height with common looks. He must have felt Demming staring at him. Pence looked up towards Demming, slightly smiled when they made eye contact and went back to his paper work.

The forth floor of the Twelfth Precinct hadn't changed much in the past ten years. It still smelled of coffee, stale donuts and people. Granted, the coffee didn't smell as good as when Castle was a daily visitor. Detectives and uniforms were still milling about with papers and folders in their hands. White boards were filled with all kinds of murderous stuff and lined the wall. The floors creaked a little more.

Once Demming located the guys, he walked towards them. Esposito stood up to shake Tom's hand.

"How ya doing, Demming?"

"Good, I'm doing good. How's that new baby? Getting any sleep?"

"Aw man, you know how it is." Esposito reached around to pick up a picture frame from his desk and handed it to Tom.

"Paul is a good baby. He's starting to sleep though the night. Rolled over for the first time a few weeks ago. That boy is growing like a weed." If Esposito could, he would have smiled more.

Ryan remained in his chair, watching Demming, almost sizing him up. He didn't want to be rude, but knew he needed to interrupt. What exactly was on Demming's mind that he had to speak with them?

"Javi, we know he didn't come down here for Romper Room hour. How's the world of robbery?"

Demming cleared his throat has he handed the picture frame to Esposito. He had a manila folder tucked under his arm at which Ryan was trying to peek at as if there were any clues as to why he was here.

Tom's eyes darted between the two detectives and quietly said, "Is there somewhere we could go. To talk, um, privately?"

Ryan and Esposito looked at each other with perplexed eyes. Both stood as Javier said, "Sure, the interview room is open."

All three fell in step with each other as they formed a single file line. Once in the interview room, each man stood and looked at each other.

Demming brought his hand to his forehead. He closed his eyes as he put his thumb on one temple and his fingers on the other and squeezed quickly.

In a rough whisper, he began, "Um, Javi, Kevin, you guys need to sit down. I… I got some interesting and strange news."

Javi began to sit down as Kevin said, "Dude, we can handle it, what's going on?"

Kevin folded his arms across his chest and looked down his nose at Tom.

Without missing a beat, Tom took the folder from under his arm and began to open it. He placed his large hand underneath it to steady it and with his other hand, flipped thru the papers. He pulled out a sheet, closed the folder, placing the paper on top.

Esposito's eyes darted between his partner and Demming. No matter how many years he worked on the force or how seasoned of a cop he was, no one ever liked surprises. Especially when they come from a fellow detective and the solemnity within his demeanor is unmistakable.

Smoothing the paper against the folder, Demming gathered his thoughts and tried to slow his breathing.

"Remember back in October of 2012, you guys worked a murder case?"

Ryan abruptly interrupted, "Do you know how many cases we work in a month? In a year? And you're asking about one almost 10 years ago."

Esposito stood quickly, whispering to Ryan, "Yo, chill. Take a seat."

Ryan glared at Espo, as he remained standing. They both knew what he meant, but they had to hear what Demming had to say.

Demming knew he was not favored by many of the homicide detectives. And that knowledge made this so much harder.

"Well, a young girl was murdered and you guys worked the case. It was thought to be ritualistic murder. She was home alone and discovered by her roommate."

Demming was hoping this was enough information to trigger their memories, but judging by the looks on their faces, he was going to have to tell them more.

"Um, she, the girl's name was Tessa Horton. She was strapped to the ceiling of her apartment by razor wire. A symbol had been carved into her forehead."

With that, Esposito piped up, "Yeah. Yeah. That was crazy. The killer had been very meticulous and took the time to clean up. When CSU dusted for prints, they found…" Esposito looked at Ryan with wide eyes.

"Castle!" they said in unison. Both men stumbled back and the air in their lungs was knocked out of them. They sat down in unison shaking their heads.

"That case is old. We solved that," stammered Esposito.

"Yes, but we never caught the killer, Espo. Remember? At least, we never found a body and we all assumed Tyson got away." Turning towards Demming, Ryan asked, "What does this have to do with us, and now?"

Demming cleared his throat, "That's why I'm here. The roommate moved out before the case was closed and with good reason. The landlord had it remodeled and repainted. He said he's had two tenants live there in the past ten years.

"Um, the Crain family, a man and his wife; they moved out after adopting twins and then the current occupants, Daniel and Anne Taylor. They have a two-year-old daughter, Gracie. They have been there for over five years.

"Last week, they left for a month long vacation to Asia. While they were away, Anne's best friend was staying at the apartment the first two weeks.

"Well, the friend's aunt died and she had to go to Michigan. While she was gone, someone broke in to the next-door apartment and stole a few things. Cops were called and the robber ducked into their apartment to hid. The robber cut his leg at some point and when CSU swept the place, they found a bloody sock."

He took a deep breath and then sat down. Never taking his eyes off the paper, he continued.

"I had the sock in an evidence baggy but it kept bugging me. According to my file, the robber had both socks on. Where did this odd sock come from? Did he find it at the apartment and use it to wipe his wound? Something just didn't sit right. So I had the lab run it and that's where things go crazy."

All of the detectives were looking at each other when Demming took the paper and laid it on the table between them.

"See, the blood comes back to belonging to one, Richard Castle. But if he's been dead for about five months, why am I finding his blood in a fresh crime scene?"

"Are you crazy?" Ryan jumped to his feet. It took everything he had not to punch Demming in the face.

"You want to come down here and tell us our friend, our partner, left a bloody sock at a murder scene from over 8 years ago. He was cleared of that murder! He didn't do it. He was framed!"

Ryan began to pace, running his fingers through his hair. He stopped and stared at Demming. "I never thought you'd stoop so low to tarnish the name of anyone, much less a dead man!"

He turned his back to Demming and Esposito, trying to regain his composure.

"Ryan, listen," Demming went to say.

Ryan spun around, with his fists clinched by his sides.

"Listen? No, I will not sit here and listen to you start rumors and lies about my best friend. He's dead! Left behind a wife and 3 children; one to which he'll never meet. He is a good man. You may think that with him out of the picture you can finally get into Beckett's pants, but this is really low Demming."

With that, he stormed out of the room.

Javi just watched him go. Ryan needed time to cool off. He saw him grab his suit jacket and head for the elevator. Turning towards Demming, he sighed, "I'm sorry, man. Please excuse his out lash. He took Castle's death really hard. We all did. The way it happened. Kate was finally happy. Really, really happy. They had a future planned, another baby…"

Tears welled in Esposito's eyes making him stand and look away. They all knew they were more than partners. Kevin and Javier had lost more than a friend. They lost a brother and their big sister had lost her husband, her friend, the love of her life.

"I know. I know," mumbled Demming. "But Javi, this is not about that crime scene, there's more. Rebecca from the lab, geez, she's a bitch, but good at her job. She tested the blood and said it's no more than two months old."

* * *

Ryan rode the elevator down to the ground level. He had never been so angry. He knew what he said to Demming was rude and uncalled for. He was not the type to be ill mannered. But Ryan was not about to let him come into his office, to his home, and speak unkind of his brother. He wanted nothing more to do with Demming. No matter what he had to say, from now on he could talk to Esposito.

He stepped out into the lobby and headed for the street. It was August and the New York heat was on full blast. He was beginning to regret that he had taken his jacket. As he folded it, he placed it over his arm and went through the door.

Stepping onto the pavement, he looked both directions trying to decide where he wanted to go. A nice cold beer at the Old Haunt brought a smile to his face. Being on duty, he knew he couldn't. Since Castle's death, it just didn't feel right being in the bar without him.

His stomach quickly reminded him that he had lunch waiting for him on his desk. He was not about to go back upstairs or there might be a shooting in the one-two.

Lunch was going to have to wait. Maybe a long walk would help him calm down. That's what he needed. To take a few deeps breaths of fresh air, let the sun warm his face and help clear his head.

He picked up his pace the further he walked from the precinct. People where out, but he wasn't bumping into anyone. He quietly hummed a tune in his head.

Being the dad of two small children, the first song to come to mind was a kid's song. It was actually a song his son had made up while getting dressed for bed. A huge smile came across Kevin's face as he remembered seeing Grady dance around, singing about the joys of a bubble bath, his toy boat and his Green Lantern pajamas. He did end his little ditty stating his sister had a pumpkin head. Ryan laughed out loud when he remembered Kylie's face once she heard the song.

His phone began to ring, breaking his thoughts. As he reached into his pocket, he decided he wasn't going to answer it. He would be back soon enough and would talk to Javier then.

He tried to silence it, but must have hit the wrong button, because it kept ringing. While he pulled it from his pocket, he glanced at the screen. When he read the name, his heart jumped as if it was going to break free from his body.

"Hello" he said weakly.

"Hey, Detective Ryan. This is Alexis. Are you free to talk?"

"Sure, what's going on?"

In all the years of knowing the Castle family, Kevin could count on one hand how many times he spoke to Alexis on a call she initiated.

"Um, I don't know how to do this, but I got a really odd text today. I was in surgery and when I came out I had a message. I opened it and it was from my dad."

Ryan stopped in his tracks and all the color drained from his face. He almost dropped the phone from his ear. Alexis kept talking but he couldn't hear her. First Demming comes in to say he found Castle's blood and now his daughter received a text message. How does a dead guy leave blood and texts? He turned around, almost running for the precinct.

Alexis called his name twice before he answered.

"Yeah, I'm here. What was that?"

"Do you think you could run a check on his phone?"

"Sure. Sure. I can do that. I'm headed back to the office right now. Give me some time and I'll call you as soon as I learn something. But lets not get our hopes up, it's possible the message was one he sent the day…" Ryan slowed his pace. He never realized how hard it would be to say those words to a child that has lost a parent. Beckett was usually the one to tell grieving families their loved one was gone.

"Yeah," Alexis said softly, "I thought about that. Hey Ryan, I made the mistake of telling Kate to call me. But that was a few hours ago and I haven't heard from her. She may be sleeping. Both of the boys were sick yesterday. So, we're going to have to deal with her."

"Oh, right. Yeah, sure. I think we can handle her." He softly laughed. "Anyway, I will call you as soon as I know something."

"Thanks, Ryan"

With that, Ryan began his sprint back to the 12th... and his brain was furiously trying to figure out how to break the news to Javi. Could this really be happening?

Then, he suddenly thought, "Damn! I may even have to apologize to that Demming!"

* * *

**I just wanted to say Thank you to everyone who has commented, reviewed, favorited and followed this story. You all are the best!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Yay! I am back in the USA! Asia was AMAZING! If you ever get the chance, go! Korean people, culture, food... it's all amazing. Okay, Okay, enough about that! Here is chapter 6. It's a sweet chapter, but not cavity causing sweet ;)**

* * *

Lying in a bed that is not her own does little to help Kate fall asleep. She knows she is exhausted, knows she needs sleep now more than ever; yet sleep just won't come. Nothing in this room is hers. The bed, the sheets, the blankets, they are all wrong. Nothing here smells like him.

She lays her head back against her pillow and closes her eyes. Just maybe she can trick her body into letting go and drifting to sleep. She hasn't been able to do it in the past five months; why would today be any different?

Mentally, she tells her body to relax; first her toes, then her calves, slowly making her way up her body. As soon as she gets to her thighs, her mind begins to wonder. She begins to envision his hands lightly caressing her legs, planting soft kisses as he makes his way to her. Her heart feels the hummingbird rush that goes through her bones and down her spine. The intense desire to feel his lips on hers, the slow movement of his hands coming up her legs and holding her hips makes her breath almost too heavy to catch.

Kate's eyes fly open as she jolts up from the bed. Panting heavily, she looks around the room. Her heartbeat is thunderous in her ears. She calms herself and gains better control of her breathing. Sitting straight up, she leans down to fix the blankets. She's not cold. She's not warm. She's just… here.

Somehow she got lucky and was given a full size bed instead of the traditional twin. Maybe the hospital thought Castle would be with her during the delivery. No one asked any questions about the father's whereabouts when she checked in.

Around 10:00 p.m., she tried to get some rest after receiving an epidural. Alexis was resting in a chair, and Lanie dozed on a small sofa in the corner of a room. Kate let the rhythmic sound of the baby's heartbeat soothe her to sleep.

At 12:15 a.m., she awoke with the weight of someone's arm across her belly. She scanned the room for a clock. Her eyes fell on Lanie, still asleep on the sofa. The chair where Alexis had been was empty. As her eyes came to the left of the room, she detected the light in the bathroom was on. The entire room was dark with the exception of the monitors and the bathroom light.

She turned her head to the left and made out Alexis's face. She had climbed into bed with Kate at some point. Her arm was draped across Kate's abdomen along with the belt monitors.

Closing her eyes, Kate lay quietly in the dark, listening to the rhythmic beating of the baby's heartbeat and Alexis's breathing. She closed her eyes, hoping for more sleep. She knew the contractions should be pretty close to each other now, but because of the medication, she couldn't feel anything. Her legs were completely numb. So when she felt a hand on her right shin, she opened her eyes.

At first, she focused on the ceiling. Maybe the contact on her shin was just the drugs wearing off and her nerves responding. Or it could have been Dr. Lincoln, even though she was sure she never heard the door open. After a few seconds of the hand rubbing up and down her shin and no one talking, she looked in the direction of her leg.

Her breath instantly hitched in her chest. She gasped for air as she blinked. Bringing her hands to her face, she rubbed her eyes.

"Wha- What? How are you here?" she whispered quietly into the darkness.

Castle was standing next to her bed with a huge smile on his face.

"I told you I would be here when she came into the world, and it looks like it's about time," he said as he nodded in the direction of one of the monitors.

Kate looked over her left shoulder at the machine. The baby's heart rate was steady, but the numbers indicating a contraction were much higher than they had been before. She glanced at Alexis. She was still peacefully asleep.

When she turned her head back to Castle, he stood and stared. He had the same grin on his face that first attracted her to him. He took his left hand and intertwined his fingers with hers.

"Oh, sorry. I've got to be careful of the IV. Did I hurt you?"

"Um, no," she whispered, shaking her head.

"I see you have the best ME and daughter here to coach you. I knew you were in good hands."

Alexis and Lanie were by Kate's side, coaching her through the contractions and labor. Kate brought a small photo of Castle and the boys that she clung to when the pain got to be too much.

Kate was at a loss for words. She looked at Alexis again, and then Lanie. Castle followed her gaze. She then looked down at her belly. This had to be a dream. How was Castle standing in her hospital room? He had been dead for five months.

"I know what you're thinking, Kate. Regardless of what you think, I know you much better than you think I do." She looked up at him as he winked at her.

"But don't worry. You're not going crazy. I made a promise, and I had to be here."

She dropped her focus to her swollen belly and quietly said, "What about our vows? Weren't those a promise?"

Damn, seriously? Those were the first words she says to him after not seeing him for five months. She sounds so childish, so pathetic. But he doesn't let her anger sting him. He doesn't blame her; he's angry, too.

She's too afraid to look at him. She just stares at her abdomen. The baby had been still most of the night, but right now she is kicking. She feels the baby's head move and her little body follow. She's drifting closer to her daddy. Damn, she can't even hallucinate without him being chased by women.

"Kate, the baby will be here soon. She is such a gentle spirit. This delivery is much different than the boys'."

"Except you're not here." This time she looked at him. She missed him so much but knew if he were really here, he wouldn't be here long.

"No, and I'm sorry. But I can't change that." He continues to rub her shin gently. It's the only way he knows to let her know he is there to support her.

As he watched the rhythmical motion of his hand, a smile sneaks across his face. Without making eye contact, he quietly says, "Do you remember Jack's school play?"

Kate's brow wrinkled. She remembered the play. The play was just a few weeks ago. Kate was tired from the pregnancy, and it was a fiasco getting the boys ready to go.

James had more energy than usual. He was constantly running up and down the stairs. Anytime Kate tried to get him to stop, he only would momentarily pause before he was off and running again.

The weather wasn't cooperating either. The day had started off sunny, but by mid-afternoon, clouds had rolled in, and shortly before they left for the school, it began to rain.

Up until the night of the play, Jack was going as Edgar Allen Poe. Martha had even made him an outfit. Kate still had the fake bird Castle had given her on Halloween shortly after they met. Jack was so excited when Kate had shown him pictures from that Halloween and his dad wearing the bird.

But when he got home from school the afternoon of the play, he announced he was going as Richard Castle. Jack had to dress as his favorite hero, and he chose his dad. Kate argued that he had to pick someone famous.

"But my daddy was famous! He was famous to me!" Jack stood in front of Kate, tears streaming down his cheeks. She dropped to her knees and hugged her son. She knew her heart would never be the same. The loss of her husband, her friend, her partner was just as intense for her boys.

She knew what it was like to lose a parent. The only difference between Kate's experiences and her son's was the fact she had 19 years of memories with her mom to draw on. The boys, they only had stolen years to look forward to, to yearn, to crave. Jack and James's hearts were aching as much as hers was, differently and maybe even more.

After an hour of arguing, she gave in and let him dress in a grey pin striped suit with a purple shirt.

"Um, yeah, I really remember that night. It was the first time Jack ever argued with me and couldn't be persuaded."

"I was there. I actually sat in the dining room laughing as you got so frustrated."

"Shocking! You laughed at me?" She chuckled softly as she rolled her eyes.

"Just because he was so cute and would not cave. He always caves with you, Kate. But not that night; it was important to him not to."

Kate smiled. He was right. She rarely had to argue with either of the boys. But that night Jack just would not let it go.

The silence in the room was interrupted by an alarm on the monitor. Kate and Castle jerked their heads towards the resonant sound. Lights were flashing, and the alarm volume rose with each second.

Castle squeezed Kate's leg causing her to look back at him.

"Don't worry; she's okay and she'll be here soon. I've gotta go."

"No, please. No, don't. Don't leave me. I love you, Rick."

With one last squeeze of her leg, he was gone.

The nurse came in and blinded Kate with the overhead light, making her wake up completely. Kate flashed over to the right side of the bed. Her eyes frantically searched for Castle. He was just there, touching her, talking to her, telling her he's still around, watching every one of his loved ones. She sleepily blinked as she realized it was all a dream, her subconscious playing a cruel, painful joke.

The nurse went to the monitor making the commotion, pushed a few buttons, and it became quiet again. Alexis woke up and sleepily rubbed her eyes. Lanie woke, stretched as she stood and then snuck into the restroom.

"Sorry, Mrs. Castle. But it's time to do a more thorough exam. You've had some pretty strong contractions the last half hour. As a matter of fact, the baby's heart rate became really slow for the past fifteen minutes."

Alexis was eagerly watching the nurse. Being a doctor herself, she was quite critical of medical staff.

"Is the baby okay? Her heart rate…" Kate was scared and didn't even try to hide it. She scanned the room, looking for Castle, but she knew he was gone.

"Oh, honey, it's okay. Maybe she fell asleep." The nurse was reassuring as she went about her business.

Lanie came out of the restroom and positioned herself on Beckett's right side. She gently took her hand, leaned down and whispered, "I think it's time, Mommy." Kate looked at her friend and smiled.

Dr. Lincoln came in and performed the internal exam. Alexis sat on Kate's left while Lanie stood on her right.

"Well, princess, I have great news. It's baby time." Dr. Lincoln had always called Kate princess. She said with a name like Kate Castle and the Duchess Kate Middleton, how could she not?

A short thirty minutes later, all three women cried at the sight of the baby. Alexis cut the cord and handed Johanna to Kate. Kate wrapped her arms around the baby as Alexis laid her on Kate's chest. Johanna lay quietly against Kate's breast. Kate stared down into her daughter's eyes. She had Castle's blue eyes, red hair like Martha and Alexis yet looked exactly like her namesake. She truly was a mixture of both families.

The nurses covered her with towels and let Lanie begin to clean her body. Kate and Johanna never broke their gaze.

A nurse approached Kate and explained she needed to do some standard tests on the baby. She held Johanna a little tighter saying, "Can I hold her a little longer?"

Dr. Lincoln looked at the nurse and nodded. They both knew Castle had died and this moment was bittersweet for Kate and Alexis. Alexis sat next to Kate and rubbed the baby's head.

"Kate, I'll go with her to the nursery and promise to bring her back soon. Get some rest." Alexis leaned in and gently touched her head to Kate's.

Kate lifted Johanna closer to her face, kissed her forehead, whispered, "I love you" and handed her to Alexis. Longingly, she watched as the pair left the room.

Turning to Lanie, Kate said, "Is it alright that she didn't cry? When the boys were born, they screamed for hours."

Lanie smiled, as did Dr Lincoln. "Sweetie, count your lucky stars. Maybe she'll be a quiet one."

The words were barely out of Lanie's mouth when Kate laughed. "Ha, she's part Richard Castle, part me. _Quiet_ will not be in her vocabulary."

* * *

A light knock rapped on the door. Kate rolled her eyes at the thought of being bothered.

"Come in," she tried to say cheerfully.

As the door opened, she couldn't help but smile. This visitor was a welcomed sight.

"Hey there, Mommy. I brought someone to see you." Jackson Hunt was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. His white hair had gotten a little longer over the past five months. His brown eyes appeared darker than normal.

He gently wheeled the baby's bassinet to Kate's bed. She readjusted herself to sit up against her pillows. Jackson bent in to give Kate a kiss on her forehead. She closed her eyes as she leaned into him. His lips are soft for a man who is so rugged. He brought his large hand up and stroked her cheek.

For now, it is just the three of them. They both know the boys and Martha will be there soon. His fingers cover her ears as his thumb caressed her face. Just his simple touch brought a smile to Kate's face, allowing her heart rate to slow and a calm come over her.

When she opened her eyes, Jackson placed his hand on his daughter-in-law's shoulder. Who is he kidding? She is his daughter as much as Castle was his son.

"Hey, I know he's not physically here, but he is," Jackson said softly. "This sweet girl, I just know she's exactly like him."

Kate smiled weakly.

Jackson gradually tried to walk away from the only life he had ever known after he helped Castle rescue Alexis in Paris. He quietly kept in touch, watching everyone from a distance, as he always had.

Once he learned that Kate and Rick were getting married, he just walked away completely. On a stormy afternoon in August, he knocked on Castle's door.

When he married Martha, Kate and Rick had been married for six months and she was four months pregnant with Jack.

Jackson and Kate were able to live with the peace that Castle died with no questions or worries about his dad.

The baby began to whimper as Jackson picked her up. He held her close to his chest. Tears welled in Kate's eyes as she was reminded of Castle holding the boys shortly after birth. She tried to blink them away, but the tears spilled over onto her cheeks.

Kate used the edge of her blanket to wipe her eyes. "So, how'd you get to be the lucky one to bring her to me?" Kate smiled in awe of the baby's small body being held by her granddad's large hands. There was such a stark difference between the two. Johanna Rodgers Castle came quietly into the world twelve hours before.

"Oh, I was waiting at the nursery window when they brought her in. Alexis got me in, and I helped bathe her. Wow, that was such a great experience." He was beaming with pride.

"I even got a video of it on my phone. You know, she never cried. I guess she likes me," he said with even more pride.

Jackson never took his eyes off of Johanna as he spoke to Kate. He got the same dopey, lovey look that Castle got anytime he looked at Kate, when he watched at the boys as they slept, or when her told stories of Alexis as a small child.

He kissed the baby's forehead and handed her to Kate. She held the baby with ease, allowing Johanna to snuggle into the crook of Kate's arm and against her chest. Kate patted the baby's bottom, causing Johanna to relax and then quickly drift off to sleep.

Jackson sat on the edge of her bed and reached up the rub Kate's shin. She smiled and thought to her self, _what is it with the Castle men and shins?_

She looked at Jackson and grinned. He broke his gaze, smiling at her.

He readjusted himself to where he was looking Kate face-to-face.

Jackson inhaled deeply before he said, "Kate, did Rick ever tell you why I came back?"

"Umm, yeah. He once mentioned that you were tired of watching life from the sidelines."

"Well, that is part of it. See, Rick and I had lunch one afternoon and he asked all the questions he could think of. I missed all of his infancy, childhood, even the teen years and his adult life. Then, I missed the same for Alexis. I often wonder if I had been here, would his life have been different?"

Kate was confused; she was about to ask when Jackson carried on.

"I couldn't do it any longer. I couldn't stay away anymore. One day I stopped and asked myself, how many more times must I wonder about 'if only?'

"And then, I decided it was time to simply walk away. I had done a lot for others, but I had never really done anything for me. I desired to be the husband and father I always wanted and needed to be."

Kate's heart swelled with love, pride and what she could only describe as longing. Not for her, but for the love of her life, who finally got to hear his father tell him what he had always wanted to hear.

Any questions she had, Jackson had answered. For the first time in five months, since that dreadful phone call, she was beginning to believe everything would be OK.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! I have chapter 7 almost done, so it will be posted Monday morning.**

**You can follow me on twitter: Lyssab1**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Well, after a week back in the States, I am so happy to report I do not suffer from jet-lag! I was able to write on the plane until we hit some massive turbulence, regardless of what my fellow traveller thinks! [He knows who he is! ;p] Anyway- a little more Alexis in this story. I like her character and she will be making a stronger appearance.**

**Please remember, this is an AU story. I enjoy playing with the characters, but promise to return them ****back pretty close to** the same condition I found them. Thanks MilMar for the opportunity!

* * *

Lying in the dark, listening to nothing but the ticking of the clock, Tom debated if he should call Kate. Surreptitiously, he wants to. He'd heard from Javi that she had a baby girl about two weeks ago.

He tossed in his bed for a few moments. He had to do something to get her off his mind. But who was he kidding? Forgetting Kate was like forgetting how to breathe. It was almost downright impossible.

He had already tried that once.

Regardless of where his life had taken him, when time would slow down just a bit, his heart would remind him of the love he had for Kate. Ever time he hit the gym, thoughts of her echoed in his mind. He had moved on, so did she. They both had found love and married. Sadly, he regretting he never found love with her. But still, now, he would often find himself thinking, "what if?"

He looked at the clock in his bedside table. It was still early morning, not even 5 o'clock. His phone signaled to him. He could do this. He could make up some excuse to call her. Even if he just called to tell her congratulations.

Maybe it would just be better to pick up a small gift and take it to her.

He swung his feet over the edge of his bed, bringing his hands up to run his fingers through his hair. He couldn't do this. This needed to stop. Ryan was right. She belonged to someone else.

He knew she had found happiness, and he never wanted to take that from her. But he knew she was hurting.

As he stood, his knees cracked and popped. Stretching his hands over his head, his elbow let out a loud pop causing him to wince in pain. Was this the universe letting him know the thoughts he had concerning Kate needed to stop?

He shuffled to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. There was a mountain of paperwork sitting on his desk just waiting for his arrival.

As he slipped his foot into his shoe, Demming grabbed his suit jacket and headed for the door. It was going to be hot again today. He wanted to stay indoors all day and preferably in his own apartment, drowning his sorrows with a beer.

When he opened his bedroom door, he was met with the smell of pancakes.

"Look! There's Daddy! I thought you were at work." Cassidy had been working for him since little Rachael was born.

The day his wife was killed, she had just left her doctor. Rachael was almost 38 weeks pregnant.

Of all the days, the one Tom didn't accompany her to an appointment became her last day and the day guilt ate him alive.

Rachael was still alive when she arrived at the hospital. The doctors put her on life support until they were able to deliver the baby. In a somber operating room, his little girl came into the world shortly before her mother's life was extinguished.

Every time he looks into his daughter's eyes, he is reminded of the moment she was handed to him and he laid her on Rachael's chest.

_"Honey, I know you're in there. I wish things were different. I wish you could actually hold our baby. The machine may be making your heart beat, but she has to hear it one last time."_

He decided in that instant to name the baby after her mother.

He hired Cassidy, and she was a godsend. She cared for the baby as if she was her own and even helped him through is grief.

Cassidy got Rachael out of her highchair and smiled as she toddled towards Tom. The baby had blond hair with soft curls. She giggled the closer she got to her daddy.

Tom crouched down to pick her up and snuggle her close. She was beginning to talk more and babbled something that ended with "I wuv you" and a slobbery kiss.

He rests his forehead against hers as she played with the collar of his shirt. Keeping his eyes on Rachael, he asked, "What plans do you girls have for today?"

"Oh, the usual. Music story hour is at eleven, and then we'll pick up something for lunch, play at the park before we come home for naptime at two."

Rachael squealed when she heard the word "park." She loved the swings and swayed backwards as she laughed. Tom placed his hands on her back and gently rocked her from side-to-side.

"Well, that sounds much more fun than boring paperwork." Carrying Rachael back to the kitchen, she made her face frown and said, "Boo."

"That's right, baby girl. Boo to Daddy's paperwork." He sat her in her chair and kissed the top of her head.

"I should be home by six. Unless something comes up."

Cassidy lived with Tom. She was originally from Alabama and moved to New York soon after college and a bad break up.

After his wife's death, he took the first six months off from work. He cared for his daughter, but there were days when the grief was so overwhelming; if Cassidy hadn't been there, the baby probably wouldn't have been fed or changed properly.

He could barely fathom what Kate was going through.

"An old friend of mine just had a baby. I may stop by her place before I come home. Just depends on the day at work."

"Okay. That's no problem. I'll make dinner and leave you some in the fridge. My sister is going to be here tomorrow, so Rachael will go with me to pick her up at the airport and then I will take her to your Mom's at some point."

"Oh yeah, that's right! You have a girls' weekend planned, and Rachael is spending the weekend at Nana's. Maybe I'll just stop by my friend's tomorrow."

With that, he kissed Rachael one more time and left for work.

* * *

It was so hot the afternoon Kate came home for the hospital. The cabby had the air conditioner on, but it did little to help with the heat and humidity.

Alexis had not left Kate's side since Johanna's birth. She helped load all of the gifts, plants, flowers and baby supplies into the cab before going back in to help Kate to the cab.

Jim Beckett had found the little dress Kate wore as a newborn and surprised her with it at the hospital. It was a soft pink with a little green elephant embroidered on the hem of the skirt.

"Your mother picked this out shortly after she discovered she was pregnant with you. She kept it tucked away until the night we left for the hospital. You wore it with a soft green sweater. The nurses put a pink bow in your hair. You were so cute." He smiled fondly as he remembered that amazing day from so long ago.

Johanna lay peacefully on Kate's lap during the cab ride. It was sweltering outside and the thin blanket the nurse had wrapped the baby in had come undone.

Kate lifted the sleeping baby from her lap and completely removed the blanket. After she placed Johanna back on her lap, she folded the blanket and handed it to Alexis.

"Will you put this in her bag, please? I'm not sure why everyone feels the need to wrap a baby."

Alexis went to answer but decided against it.

Just as they pulled in front of the loft, Kate's phone chirped with a text message. She slid it from her packet, read the message and immediately returned it before getting out.

Doorman Ernesto greeted her with a large smile as he opened the cab door.

"Aw, there is the newest princess. She's beautiful, Mrs. Castle."

Kate smiled as she nodded in agreement with Ernesto.

The three rode the elevator in silence. Kate knew something was on Alexis's mind. She could ask, but did she have the emotional vigor to deal with the answer?

Alexis might just be tired.

She might have been having trouble at work.

She might have been missing her dad.

They all still were. Granted, everyone was happy that Johanna arrived safely. But there was no ignoring the elephant in the room– the lacking presence of Castle.

Martha and Jackson were keeping the boys for the night, allowing Kate to get settled. Alexis had vowed to stay for the first six weeks against Kate's objections.

* * *

As the sun set in the western sky, Alexis was clearing away the take out containers.

Kate was lying on the couch with Johanna peacefully sleeping on her chest. She hadn't put the baby down much since they had been home.

With both boys, she did most of their initial care. Castle tried to help, but she kept saying she needed to learn and she wanted to do it.

Alexis placed the last container from the Chinese take out into the trash, wiped the counter and grabbed her glass of water. She padded softly to the couch to join Kate.

Quietly sitting on the opposite end of the sofa, she placed her glass on the coffee table and picked up the remote to the television. Kate's eyes were closed, so Alexis made sure she muted the TV as she turned it on. The TV was quietly playing in the background when the semi-silence was interrupted by Kate's cell phone.

She slid it out of her pocket, looked at the screen and tapped "decline". Sitting up, she asked Alexis, "Will you watch the baby while I take a shower?"

"Sure. Will she need to eat anytime soon?"

"Um, no. I am going to pump afterwards, she can eat then." She laid Johanna on the sofa and covered her with a blanket. "She should sleep for awhile."

"Okay. That's no problem. Call me if you need anything."

Standing to her feet, she walked towards the bedroom. When she reached the door, she turned around to Alexis, smiled as their eyes met. "Thanks for being here. I don't think I could do this with out you."

Alexis smiled and said, "Always."

Kate shut the door to her bedroom and then crossed the floor to the bathroom. She shut the bathroom door and began to undress. Leaving her panties on, she reached into the shower and turned the knobs to begin the water spray.

She sat on a bench seat at the vanity. Her phone lay on the counter, glowing that she had a voicemail. She had received a text and now a phone call. Part of her said to just delete both. There was no need to read or listen either one. But the other part of her, the side that seemed to be controlled more by her heart, ached for her to tap the voicemail tab.

As she held her phone to her ear, she realized she had let her heart win. Looking at herself in the mirror, she smiled as the voicemail began.

"Hey, Kate. I'm not sure if you're home yet, but you probably need your rest either way. Congratulations on the birth your new baby. Girls are a lot of fun. I… Um, I called to see if it would be prudent to swing by for a visit. Call me if that's okay. I'll talk to you soon."

She hit delete and then flipped to her recent calls. Her finger hovered over the list of calls, and then she quickly hit the name in red.

Within seconds, the line was ringing. By the second chime, she decided to hang up. She didn't really have time for this.

As she pulled the phone down, she heard the line click.

"Hello?"

Crap, now she had to say something.

"Um, hi. I – I got your message and was just returning your call."

There was silence on the other end, and she thought the call had been dropped. Which would not hurt her feelings and actually make things easier.

"Hey, Kate. It's good to hear from you. How are you feeling?"

"I'm good. All things considered."

"That's good, really good. I was wondering if you felt like a visitor. Not today of course."

"Well, I just got home a few hours ago. I don't exactly look my best, you know."

They both sat in the silence. Her shower was still running. Steam was beginning to fill the room. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, slowly let the air out of her lungs and started to speak.

"You know what? My boys will be home tomorrow at three. Why don't you come by around noon? Alexis is here, but I can send her out for something. Is that okay?"

"That will be perfect. I'll bring Chinese. How about Hung's?"

"Great, I'll see you tomorrow, Tom."

She taps her phone to end the call.

The thoughts that run through her mind took over every action she attempts. The shower was still running, yet Kate couldn't move. She's frozen. Her treacherous body turned against her, and all she could seem to move were her eyes and, even those seemed to have taken on a life of their own. She couldn't look at herself in the mirror.

Is it shame she was feeling? Maybe it's embarrassment. She felt as if she was a child and had spilled her mother's soap so she's hiding in fear of getting in trouble.

Snap out of it, Kate. You're a grown woman. She tried to tell herself. But her mind and her heart battled for what each one thought was right. She hung her head and ran her fingers through her hair. Inhaling deeply, she tightened her lips into an "O" and slowly exhaled.

She can't do this. She just can't. Every thought does nothing more than reminds her that this path should not be taken. She is being reckless. She is treading dangerous ground.

A soft knock on the door snaps her back to reality. She stands and wraps a towel around her body. All of a sudden, she is overcome by the smell of Castle. It's as if he's standing beside her. His scent is covering the towel. It must have been a towel he used before his death and had been in the back of the linen closet. Her heart swells with longing for him. Is this fate telling her not to tempt it?

To stop the tears, she focuses on walking to the bathroom door. Reaching for the handle, she blinks rapidly to suppress her tears.

As she opens the door, she sees Alexis pacing on the other side. Her face is covered with concern. Alexis has become strong. She doesn't let the many twists and turns in life throw her off balance. But today, something is bothering her. She had been quiet and distant for days; yet whenever anyone questioned her, she simply said she was tired.

When their eyes met, Kate is filled with anxiety. Her senses tell her something is wrong, possibly dreadfully wrong.

Kate doesn't even try to hide her fear before asking, "What? What is it Alexis?"

Alexis stops, bites her bottom lip, diverting her eyes from looking at Kate's. _Sink or swim, girl, you've got to do this. It will be easier coming from you._

Alexis takes in a sharp breath and the sits down on the edge of the bed. Patting beside her, she says, "Kate, come sit down. We need to talk."

Kate just shakes her head. "What's wrong? Is it the boys? Johanna? Martha? What?"

Alexis knows she cannot encourage Kate to do anything Kate doesn't want to do. Her father on the other hand, he had powers beyond Kate's control. Granted, at times it took Kate awhile to come around to see things his way. But when it came down to it, all Richard Castle had to do was bat his baby blue eyes and she would sway.

Kate crossed her arms over her towel-covered chest and looked at Alexis.

"Right. I just need to do this." Alexis looks at the floor while she gathers the courage to carry on.

Just as Kate is about to say something, Alexis begins to speak mellifluously and gently.

"Umm, a few days ago, something odd happened, or maybe you could call it creepy," she says softly, still not able to look Kate in the eye.

"I was in surgery, and when I came out, I had a message on my phone. Uh, a text message."

Softly, Alexis raised her eyes to meet Kate's. She is still leaned up against the wall, arms crossed with a look of concern and confusion on her face. Again, Alexis knows Kate is not going to budge.

So, she continues. "I had to read it a few times before it sank in. Once I was sure, well, as sure as I can be at this point, I called Detective Ryan."

Hearing Ryan's name causes Kate to perk up and cringe. She stands up a little straighter and cocks her head to one side.

"Ryan? Why would you need to call Ryan?"

Alexis rubs her hand on the bed next to her. "Please, Kate. Come sit down. It would make this easier, I hope."

Kate slowly walks to the edge of the bed and sits down. The towel drapes open a bit, triggering her to readjust herself to cover her body better. Alexis turns towards Kate and brings her right leg underneath her. She gently places Kate's hand into her own.

"Kate, the reason I called Ryan is, well, the text was from Daddy."

With a gasp of air, Kate jumps to her feet. The force of her movement loosens the towel around her chest. As she grasps for the material to keep it from falling, she spins around to face Alexis.

"What? What kind of sick joke is someone playing? Alexis, this…" Kate's voice trails off. The tears she battled in the bathroom overpower her. There is no chance she can escape them now.

She drifts to the other side of the bed and sits down. Her body begins to shake as she gives into the tears.

All Alexis can do is turn towards Kate. She wants to reach out and physically let Kate know she is there for her. Instead, she rises from the bed and retreats to the bathroom.

She begins to cry as she turns off the shower. The water has run cold and causes Alexis to shiver as it drips onto her skin. She retrieves a hand towel from the rack and Kate's robe from behind the door.

When she comes back into the bedroom, Kate has turned her back to Alexis and is lying down and she's still sobbing. Tears quietly slip down Alexis's cheek and fall to the floor. She wraps around the corner of the bed and let's her hand fall to Kate's leg. Her fingertips gently graze Kate's skin the closer Alexis reaches her body.

She drapes the robe over Kate's body and then gently stokes her bicep. Kate is practically in the fetal position. Her knees are partially drawn to her chest and her arms are wrapped around her waist. Alexis sits down in the hollow between Kate's knees and chest.

Delicately, she begins speaking. "Kate. Ryan ran LUDs on Daddy's phone. The day of the accident, he had service. Ryan was able to pin point which towers he was pinging off of. When he called you, his phone was in Maryland."

Alexis paused to gain control of her voice. Her body was beginning to tremble and she knew she needed to remain calm if she was going to get through the next few minutes.

"Um, apparently, there has been activity to his phone since then." Alexis winced as she said the last word. With her brow furrowed, she looked down at Kate.

Kate opened her eyes and wiped her tears with the back of her hand. She raised herself up onto her elbows.

"Yeah, I call his phone occasionally. The cop from Maryland said that they never found his phone. I didn't turn off service to it. I call it to hear his voice." Kate's voice trailed off as she rolled to her back and laid her head against the pillows.

She brought her hands up to her face and cupped them over her nose and mouth. Her breathing was beginning to slow and she was relaxing.

Then Alexis placed her hand on Kate's knee. "No, Kate. The text I received was sent from his phone on the day I got it. Ryan said it has been pinging off of towers in West Virginia.

"Kevin said with all of the research and technology, it can only mean one of two things. Kate, either Daddy is alive or someone found his phone and is using it for themselves."

Alexis, looked at the floor and said her thoughts softly, "But if this was true, why keep the number? Why not just buy a new sim card and have a new one?

* * *

Of course, Tom's pesky little inner voice chose this moment to strike again. He brought his hand up and slapped his forehead.

What on earth was he thinking? She just gave birth to another man's child. Hell, she was still another man's wife. And there was this "minor detail" of the possibility that Castle was still alive.

When they found the bloody sock in Tessa Horton's old apartment, the lab work had proven it was Castle's blood. Rebecca, the lab tech, was more than positive the blood was not old enough to have been left when Tessa Horton was killed over ten years ago. She was convinced it was a fresh sample.


	8. Chapter 8

**I know that I posted with chapter one that I would update each Monday. And for chapter 8, Monday has come and gone... twice. I spent some time with this chapter, and I never really liked where it was going. For me, it's kind of like braiding hair. I had strands of stories that worked together, but I could never get them to go the same direction or end nice & neat. I would rather publish something worth reading than because I have a "deadline."**

**I sat down to write one chapter and got three! The other two are getting their finishing touches.**

* * *

"Lanie, I don't know how to explain it. But something is different. I just don't..." Kate's voice trailed off. Lanie had come over to check in on Kate and the boys and to bring food for them as she had often done lately.

"Girl, I know you're not the person you were ten years ago. None of us are. But, you have to come to the realization that Castle is gone. There is no reason for you to be lonely."

"Lanie, it's not about that. I'm just… I'm just not ready."

Kate was sitting on the couch. She and Lanie were drinking water from a wine glass. Lanie was listening from the kitchen while she refilled her glass.

"Kate, we've had this discussion before. How long are you going to circle around important decisions before you run out of fumes? I'm not saying you should run to Tom, jump in his bed and live happily ever after. But, jeez, what's wrong with letting him in and spending time with him? It was not your fault. Stop punishing yourself. You deserve love, Kate. You deserve to be happy."

Hearing those words instantly made Kate cry. The year before she finally allowed herself to be with Castle, he had said the exact words to her. Listening to them again, in these circumstances, was too much for her.

Kate wiped her eyes with a tissue, trying to regain her composure.

"You know, after I lost my Mom, I just shut down. I blocked anyone and everyone out. But I can't do that now. I have children that make me get out of bed everyday. I thought, with time, the hurt would begin to fade. That just maybe, it would be easier to let go and move on."

Kate ran her fingers through her hair. She began to twist a lock of hair from behind her ear around her index finger.

"But I don't want to let go. I find myself looking for him in everything. Every time. Every place. Every day. It's like deep inside me there's this newfound hope that I desperately want to cling to; I just have to find him. He might be alive, you know?"

She took a sip of her water and curled her knees to her chest. Hugging her knees tightly, softly she said, "I know he said I should go on with my life, but what is my life without him? I don't want to think about loving someone else. Ever since I knew he was my 'one and done,' no one else has been worth even thinking about. I want to remember us the way we were. Rick was crazy about me. We were truly happy. I don't want to ever lose that."

Plopping down on the couch, Lanie let out a loud sigh. Kate didn't need to look at her to know Lanie had just rolled her eyes. Lanie wanted nothing more for Kate than to see her happy. She was her friend, and that's what friends do. They want the best for those they love. And watching Kate wallow in self-pity and self-doubt was not at all what Lanie wanted for Kate.

"Oh, Kate. I understand what you're saying and how you feel. But, honey, did you ever think that maybe, _just maybe_, Demming came into your life to teach you how to let go?"

"No. No. That's just the thing! Of all the people in the world, there is no one who could be as prefect for me as Rick. I could search the world over and find there is no love for me like his. He will forever be written in the scars of my heart. And he definitely wasn't what I was looking for. 'Specially those first years. But he stood by me; he showed up everyday and taught me the true meaning of 'Always.' Who could ever compare to him, Lanie?"

So many times, Lanie and Kate sat together and talked. This conversation was very different from the last time they were on her couch talking about him. That time, Kate cried over the fact that Castle was being framed as a murderer. Kate knew Castle, and she stood by him. Even risked her career by helping him prove his innocence.

But lately, the tears were coming less and less. While it was a relief to Lanie to see her friend in a better state of mind, it saddened her that Kate seemed at peace, but still unhappy. There is no timetable for grief. There are stages, yet everyone handles it differently and in various ways. Kate was no different.

Lanie stood and leaned down to kiss Kate on the forehead. "Kate, as your friend, I want to see you smile again. And a real smile, you know, the crooked one? I want to hear your laugh. You have a whole new life in front of you. You need to live it. There is no shame in that."

She sat her glass on the bar as she walked towards the door.

Looking back over her shoulder, her eyes filled with tears. "Girl, you know I love you." To make light of the situation, she laughed and said, "But I love my sleep even more. I'm headed home. Call if you need anything."

With that, she let herself out.

Lanie knew Kate had a heart of gold and she would never do anything to tarnish Castle's memory or belittle his love for her. There was proof that his cell phone was in use. Ryan had proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt. But what no one could prove was who was on the other end using the phone.

Alexis had received only that one text. More questions than answers came with it.

Questions such as, why was the text sent to Alexis and not Kate? Why didn't they call Kate?

Castle's cell phone records had shown the phone was in use every time Kate had called his phone. She would let it ring and listen to his voice mail. Ryan had only been able to verify that the phone was receiving a signal and was working during those calls, but he was never able to find the phone had been used any other time.

He did suggest that the phone was thrown from the plane during the crash and picked up by some kid that was too afraid to use it. But when Alexis suggested they actually go to West Virginia and "be real detectives," things had gotten a little more complicated.

As Lanie exited the lobby, she pulled her phone from her pocket. It was barely 9:30, but she was tired. She knew if she didn't talk to Javier while she was thinking about it, once she got home, she would forget and then days would go by.

* * *

He had to get directions from Javier to get here. As he gets out of the cab in front of the building, the first thought that runs through his head is the fact that he could never provide Kate with the life she must be accustomed to. He knows she isn't the shallow type and is not concerned about money. But jeez, his little apartment is nothing compared to this place. Beckett's home really is her castle.

Still debating himself, he lifts his fist to knock on the door. Something isn't right and he knows it. But, he hopes if he pushes past his feelings and odd intuition, maybe things will play out in his favor.

Gently, he taps on the door to the loft. After a minute of waiting, he considers just walking away. He takes a deep breath and knocks again, this time louder. He tries to listen for footsteps coming toward the door, but there are none. Demming thinks it is fate that has answered his questions instead of Kate answering her door.

His heart aches as he walks away towards the elevator.

How could he have been so stupid? He should have just listened to Ryan and not pursued Kate. He had brought this heartbreak on himself by allowing his hopes to go up.

Reaching for the elevator control, he hears a door open from down the hallway. His heart stops and he quickly turns his head, only to see the man from the loft across Kate's as he exits his home. Demming looks towards the floor and frowns. He exhales deeply again and stomps gently on the floor.

He feels the presence of someone approaching him but doesn't feel the need to acknowledge Kate's neighbor. Lightly, a hand rests on his shoulder and when he turns to see why that man felt the need to touch him, he is exhilarated to find a pair of kind hazel eyes looking back at him.

There, time stands still. Kate has a towel wrapped around her head. She is wearing on oversized pink t-shirt and gray shorts that look like they have been cut off from sweats. Her long legs are glistening and her feet are bare. Also, her face is naked and Tom thinks this is the first time he has seen her without make up. But in his eyes, she has never looked prettier. Even in such a state of undress, she is gorgeous. The vision of her literally takes his breath away. He's smitten and there's nothing he can do to stop himself from staring. No matter how long it has been, there were still times when he thought of her and suddenly it got harder to breath. This was undeniably one of those times.

"Hey Tom, sorry I didn't answer the door sooner," she says breathlessly.

"Oh, that's okay. I thought you might be napping." Tom has a huge smile on his face. "I didn't want to wake you or the baby. So I only knocked once."

Kate reaches down and takes one of the bags of food from Tom. She turns toward her door and says, "Let's go have lunch. I'm starving."

The man from across the hall smiles awkwardly at them as he enters the elevator. Kate nods, smiles back and walks towards the loft.

She opens the door to the loft and took shows Tom inside. She takes the towel off her head and runs her free hand through her hair. Placing the towel on a chair at the bar, she rounds the counter and puts the bag of food down.

As Tom enters the door, he stops. With wide eyes, he looks around the room. He scans the enormous size of the living room. As his eyes fall on the couch, he traces it back the kitchen. Kate is now putting the bag of food on the counter and says something about a drink. All this feels surreal to him. What on earth is he even doing here?

"Tom, it's okay. You can come the rest of the way in. Why don't you sit down at the table while I grab us some plates and chop sticks. Do you want water or tea?"

He stammers and his face flushes, "Wa-water would be fine, thanks." Real smooth, Tom, he thinks to himself. "There's enough room out here for twenty tables."

Kate looks towards the dining room as she says, "Pick any seat you want, well except the one with the booster seat. James usually sits there and he is not too keen on sharing." Giggling, she adds, "You can sit there if you want. I'll keep your secret, but I can't guarantee it's not sticky."

Tom laughs out loud. "I know all about sticky seats. I'm not sure what kids do in there, but you can wipe up a mess and it's like it seeps up from the unknown."

Walking towards him, Kate raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean you know about sticky seats? What exactly are you and your friends doing these days?" She laughs lightly as she winks at him.

Kate takes a seat as she hands Tom a plate of food. She doesn't realize that she left their drinks on the bar. Tom takes the plate and sits it on the table.

Roughly an hour has passes and they are almost caught up on old times. Tom tells Kate about his wife, how they met, their courtship and marriage and then her untimely passing. He shares what it is like for him as a single dad. Beaming with pride, he displays her pictures of his daughter.

Kate returns the favor and talks about her life after she and Demming broke up. She doesn't go into much detail. Just explains that the reason she had broken up with him back then was because something Javier had said to her earlier that day had made her realize that Castle was her soul mate, her "One and done."

Most of her side of the conversation was about her life with Castle. How she had been a one-writer girl from that day on, even when it had taken both of them almost two more years to break through each other's walls.

As she spoke of Castle, Tom could feel the love they shared. They really did have a fairy-tale romance.

This makes him realize what he had come here to say seems almost futile now, but still, he has to try. Kate was worth it. A life with her was worth risking another heartache.

They carry their plates into the kitchen. Kate chatters as she rinses the dishes and puts the take out containers in the trash. Tom leans against the counter, enamored by her. The smile on his face has nothing to do with the story she tells, but with the feelings he is now sure he has for her.

By the time Kate finishes her story, he has made up his mind. He takes a deep breath and starts; "Kate, I can't ask you to put my name first on your list. But I do know that as I am here, my heart is aching. Not because I feel I am about to watch you disappear from my life again, but because I know there is nothing I can say or do to make you stay. There's nothing I have to offer to ease your pain, to heal your heart. I couldn't do it ten years ago and I can't do it now. All I think about is how to make you think of me as something more than a friend, to believe in everything that we could be."

Kate is taken aback by his sudden confession. She stands and stares, mouth agape, unsure of what to say or do.

Nonetheless, Demming continues, "Kate, I can't promise to fix you, or instantly heal your pain and fears. But I can promise you won't have to face them alone. You shouldn't have to face them alone."

Kate smiles sweetly, leans over and kisses Tom on the cheek. He wraps his arms around her waist and tries to bring her close to him. She reluctantly allows him to do so and when she is just inches away, all he can hear is her heartbeat.

He softly kisses her lips, hoping she won't pull away. The kiss is short and one sided, but it's all he needs to make his mind up.

Tom looks deep into Kate's eyes and places his forehead against hers.

Softly, he whispers, "Kate, I have to say this now because I'm sure I'll never have another chance."

Kate pulls back a bit, but knowing she could destroy him if she pulls away, she remains in his hold.

"Regardless of where you are now, what your future holds or what misfortune you think you have suffered, the music of your life is not gone. It's still there. You may have to listen a little harder to hear it, but it's there. One day, and hopefully soon, you will be able to play it again. Don't forget, every storm eventually runs out of rain."

Kate bats her eyes to push back the tears. Tom is such a good man. He's always been so kind to her. Even when they broke up so many years ago, he never showed signs of hatred or anger. He just asked why. She didn't really have an answer back then. Kate just knew that his timing was wrong.

But this time is different. She tried to open her heart to Tom. The advice Lanie had given her was pounding in her head. But her heart was still longing for Castle. Alexis had told her about the text and the information Ryan had discovered. Deep inside, Kate knew if there was even the slightest possibility Castle was alive she would hold on to it for as long as it took.

Kate leans back and looks at Tom. Sadness, hurt and resignation covers his face. Kate hates that she was responsible for that look. But what was she supposed to do? To her, today is nothing more than lunch with a friend. She had no idea that Tom had an alternative motive.

She pulls herself out of his embrace and takes a step back. His hands reach for hers. As he slips her hands into his, she squeezes him lightly. Darting her eyes to the floor, she takes a deep breath.

"Tom, I feel like we're back in the precinct ten years ago. I don't want to do this again, but I– I have to."

Tom loosens his grip on her hands, yet she tightens hers to keep their hands connected. "Please, oh please know that I appreciate all you have done for me. I honestly do. You're such a good man. You have stepped up and filled a void like no one else in my life could. But I don't think you can ever completely fill that emptiness. Only one person can. It's not fair to you, or to me, for me to lead you on."

With this, Tom let go of Kate's hands. He stepped back and rubbed his eyes. She knew he was crying. She was choking back tears herself.

He didn't know about the nights she cried herself to sleep. He didn't know about the days that it physically pained her to get out of bed, much less be a mom to three children. He would never know of the ways Kate tried to make a connection with Rick. Either by wearing his wedding ring, calling his cell or sleeping with his t-shirts. The pain she felt was unbearable and he lessened it for a brief instance. But he couldn't argue, even to his self, that he would ever be able to completely fill the void. Only Castle could do that. In the puzzle of life, she was someone else's piece.

"Well, then, I guess I should go," Tom whispers, choking back tears.

When his eyes finally met hers, he can see the tracks of tears running down her face. Closing his eyes causes a tear to escape. Kate gently reaches up and wipes his face. She places the palm of her hand on his cheek. Her hands are as soft as silk. Rubbing her thumb across the top of his cheekbone, he leans into her touch and closes his eyes. The pain he feels is more than he experienced ten years ago. She lifts herself up on her tiptoes and kisses his other cheek.

Slowly, she lowers herself back to the floor and runs her hand down his arm and grasps his hand. She moves her face to where they were inches from each other. When he opens his eyes again, she looks into them and sees his pain. He looks back at her longingly as she sensitively speaks.

"Tom? Will you promise me something?"

Clearing his throat, he answers in a whisper, "If I can."

"You're a really great guy and an awesome dad. Don't ever forget that, okay? Maybe in another life, the romance between us was exactly what we both were looking for, wanted, needed and had. But this time, we're just friends."

He chuckles and shakes his head. "Yeah, maybe."

Kate always had a way of breaking his heart without shattering it. She had learned to say what she really felt.

"I just can't, I can't do this. And I know somehow, some day you'll understand."

Tom hugs her one last time. The smell of her hair floods his nose. He inhales deeply, wanting to sear her smell, her touch, all of her, to his memory.

A small muffled cry comes from the master bedroom. They break their embrace and Kate looks towards the room.

"I've gotta go get her. She's been asleep for almost two hours. I know she must be hungry."

"Yeah, sure. I'll let myself out. Thanks for lunch, Kate." Demming reaches for the door handle. "Hopefully, we'll find Castle. And soon."

Kate smiles sheepishly. "He wouldn't give up. I can't give up. And yeah, thanks for lunch."

They smile at each other and Demming leaves. The door closes quietly behind him and he heads for the elevator. He smiles as he enters the elevator and the doors close. He finally understands what Kate has brought to his life. He is honored to call her a friend.

* * *

The sounds of the bullets ricocheted off the walls of the indoor gun range. The feel of the cold metal felt awkward in Kate's hand. It had been years since she used her gun.

The smell of the gunpowder wafted to her nose and instantly brought a smile to her face. She forgot how much she liked shooting a gun. In all of her years in law enforcement, she was relieved that the number of times she withdrew her weapon out numbered the amount of times she fired the firearm.

Javi and Kevin jumped at the chance to join Kate at the shooting range. Lanie and Jenny had agreed to watch Kate's kids, so she could have an afternoon to herself. Lanie suggested she go to a day spa and get rejuvenated. Jenny advocated she do some shopping and enjoy a leisure walk through town. Neither was really surprised when she announced she wanted to go to the shooting range. All they did was roll their eyes in unison.

"So, Javi, what's it feel like to get beaten by a girl?" Ryan joked.

"Yo, you're the only girl I let win." Javi looked Kevin up and down. "You know I can't stand your tears on my paperwork."

Kate smiled and giggled to herself. She missed hanging out with the boys. They saw each other about once every three months. All three couples made sure that they got together for dinner without the kids. In between, they had the kid's birthday parties, school performances and play dates.

Kate stood between them, laughing, "Come on, ladies. I didn't spend the last month cooped up in my house with a newborn to come out and listen to you two whine and cry all day long."

"Yeah, she's right. Beckett spends all day listening to whiney babies and she doesn't need more during her own play date," Ryan teased.

They took little jabs at each other for the next hour. Kate was still in great shape and hadn't lost her shooting form or accuracy. Her bullets went exactly where she wanted them. Sometimes, she was able to aim and shoot her target without looking.

When they finished their last round of ammunition, they all left the targets to dismantle their guns. As Kate was putting her gun into its case, she asked, "Where do you boys wanna have lunch? My treat."

"How about Remy's?" asked Javier.

"Yeah, we haven't been there in a while," said Ryan.

"M'mm, those shakes and cheeseburgers. Say no more, Remy's it is!" Kate pushed the metal clip of her gun case closed as she smiled at Ryan and Esposito.

* * *

Esposito was finishing the last of Kate's fries when she thanked them for the great day.

"No need to thank us, chica." Javi winked at her. They had spent almost two hours together, and it felt like old times.

Ryan became fidgety in his seat. Most of the conversation during lunch was between Kate and Javi. Ryan had seemed distant. Kate questioned him about it, and he just blamed it on lack of sleep. Grady had been having nightmares and would crawl into bed with him and Jenny. He didn't have the heart to tell her it was he that was having the nightmares.

Kate excused herself to go to the restroom, and Ryan turned to Esposito.

"Espo, I've got to tell her," he pleaded.

"No, we talked about this. We'll talk to her when we know more."

"But, we do know more."

"Kevin, no. You can't do this to her."

"Can't do what to her?" Kate asked.

Shit! Their cover was blown. She could read them so well. There was no way to get out of this one.

Ryan looked at Javier and then to Kate. He stood and motioned for her to sit down.

"Um, Kate, you need to sit down. Javier and I have something to tell you."

Kate was confused, but still teased them as she took her seat, "Oh no, don't tell me that you two have finally decided to split up and make your 'bromance' official."

She realized something was terribly wrong when she was the only one laughing.

Javier just shook his head, looked Ryan in the eyes and said, "She can take it, just tell her."

"Guys, what's up? You're kinda scaring me."

Hesitantly, Kevin began, "Um, well." He shifted in his seat, inhaled deeply and closed his eyes.

Kate looked at him and then Espo for some type of answer.

When Kevin opened his eyes, he reached across the table and took Kate's hand.

"A few weeks ago, Alexis called and said she got a text. It–"

Kate butt in, "Yeah, it came from Castle's phone. I know. She told me."

"She told you?" Javier was shocked. "Well she never mentioned anything to us."

"I just figured someone had his phone and was playing a joke. She never got another one. We figured it had to be a prank," Kate took a sip of her shake as she finished.

The guys looked at each other in disbelief. Kate was awfully calm.

Ryan leaned in closer to Kate and quietly commenced, "No, Kate. There's more. Since then, I've run LUDs on his phone every week. Last week it got something new."

Raising her eyebrows, Kate stammered, "New? What do you mean?"

"Uh, I had to run the report three times to be sure. There had been limited usage, so I had decided to let it go, but two days ago, bam! Not only has activity increased, but the cell towers used have definitely changed."

"We couldn't explain it," stated Esposito. "How can that be? Dead people's phones don't just 'change cell towers!'"

Ryan took another deep breath, "I was getting a ping off of towers in West Virginia and now it's coming from New York City. And not only that, but now it's a variety of locations."

They waited for a response and got none. Kate's eyes were wide. They knew her well enough to know that she was processing everything. Once she had sorted, cataloged, and labeled everything in her head, she would say what was on her mind.

"So, I explained people do move around in this city. There is the possibility that the person who found Castle's phone has decided enough time has passed for him to be clear to use it. And same as you thought back then, it could also be some kind of hoax."

"But, Kate, there's one more thing. About the same time Alexis got the text, Demming found a bloody sock at an apartment robbery. He had the lab run it and, well, the thing is, it came back as Castle's."

This definitely got Kate's attention. She sat up straight and blinked a few times.

"Wh-what? Demming? Rick's blood? He never said a word." She sat in bewilderment. Demming was just at her house. He held her, and she let him kiss her. All the while he knew that Castle's blood had been discovered.

Ryan could see the anger rising in her face. He spoke to help distract her. "So it made me wonder. None of this adds up. If it's a hoax, why did Demming find Castle's blood in Tessa's apartment? Why did Alexis get that text? Why does his phone have service and power after all this time?"

* * *

**Also, keep in mind, even in the real show, characters don't take the roads or choices we want. All I can ask of you is to be patient with the story and wait till the end to decide if it is good or not. Remember, this is all about the journey and not copying the show. But if you don't find it in you to do so, you can always stop reading anytime!**

**I appreciate everyone that has read this far and left reviews.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I'm not sure if I should take it as a compliment or an insult, but this chapter was a fighter, too. All of the characters were yelling at me, but in a decent way. I already know many of you ****_could_**** get mad at me because of Castle in this chapter and he may even seem OOC. I have a few reminders... This is AU, PTSD can make anyone do weird things and you may want to re-watch ****_Knockdown_****, ****_Target_**** & ****_Hunt_****.**

**Many thanks to MilMar for the great characters. ****_Enjoy!_**

* * *

"Javier Esposito, don't think you are going to get out of finishing this conversation so easily! Are you telling me that you have known about Castle's phone for awhile and you didn't tell me?"

Lanie was standing in the middle of their bedroom removing her robe and hanging it on the back of a chair.

"Chica, when we get home at the end of the day, work is the last thing on my mind." Javier had just sat on the edge of their bed, removing his socks, silently hoping Lanie would accept that as a proper explanation.

"M'mm-hmmm," with a disapproving but sexy as hell glare, Lanie looked out of the corner of her eye at Javi. Who was she trying to fool? She couldn't stay mad at him. She wasn't even sure she was mad at him to begin with.

"Besides," he continued, "there's nothing really to tell. The phone is pinging intermittently. Some kid probably found it but is scared to use it."

They had both changed into pajamas and were more than ready to get some sleep. Lanie had dropped down to part time hours at the medical examiner's office. She tried to be a stay-at-home mom after Paul was born, but she missed working too much; love for her job was too overpowering for her to leave completely.

"So, what does this mean?" Lanie asked as she pulled the blankets back on the bed.

Javier was sliding his legs under the blanket when he said, "What does what mean?"

Lanie rolled her eyes, resting her back against the pillows she had placed against the headboard. "You know what I am talking about. Is there any proof Castle is still alive?"

"Proof? No. Ryan has only been able to confirm that Castle's phone has service and is sometimes powered up. It has had service all along. The newest crazy fact is that the phone was pinging off of towers in West Virginia and now it is pinging from different towers in the city."

"What? How can you say that so casually? What part of the city?" Lanie had put the book she brought to bed onto her lap. The thing had just become a casualty of this interrogation now and had zero chance to be read at all.

Javi had closed his eyes and was drifting off to sleep. Lanie knew from experience that he would be out for the count in no time. If she was going to get any information from him, it had to be now.

"Javi!" She forcefully said his name to jar him awake.

His eyes flew open, and he blankly stared at her. Blinking briskly, he forced himself to focus and wake up.

"Boy, you better wake up and talk to me. These are our friends' lives."

'I'm up. I'm up." Javi sat up and immediately leaned up against the pillows his wife was laying on. He laid his head on her shoulder.

Sleepily, he said, "What do you want to know?"

Letting out a yawn, she replied, "So? Is he alive or is he dead? Good Lord, how did Kate take it, Javi? Why hasn't she mentioned anything to me?"

"In her usual, self-defense way. She said we had the information wrong. That he couldn't be alive. That we were all at his funeral and as cops we knew the chances of someone surviving a plane crash. And if he had survived, he would have found a way to communicate by now. She believes there is no way Castle had a working phone all this time and hadn't contacted her or, at least, someone at the precinct." His last few words were slurred and barely audible.

Shortly after Javi said the last word, his breathing became steady and he let out a soft snore. Sleep had overtaken him. Thoughts of Castle being alive and knowing Kate had new drama to deal with deluged Lanie's mind. Sleep was not in her near future.

She had just told her friend that she deserved to be happy, and then the universe throws her a sucker-punch. It almost seemed that if it weren't for bad luck, Kate wouldn't have any luck at all.

* * *

Jerry Tyson was walking around the small room that was his current hideout. He had found an empty house on the northwest side of Harlem that effortlessly served his dark purpose. He didn't need any kind of luxury. He just needed revenge.

He had Castle in the basement of this house that had been empty for years. Fourteen houses were on the same block, and only six were inhabited. Another one looked like a crack house.

Tyson had done his research and knew there was no chance that anyone from the Twelfth precinct would ever be in the area. He was able to come and go unnoticed. This area was more of a "don't ask, don't tell" neighborhood.

The room was small. It was shaped like the letter "L". It appeared to once possibly be used as a workshop. The floors were bare. There was no carpet or hard wood, only concrete. Paneling had once covered the walls and still did in a few spaces. Where the paneling was missing, the cinderblock wall was now visible. In the far left corner, there was a makeshift bathroom. A drain was in the floor just in front of the toilet with a shower hose on the wall. A sink was next to the toilet. By some sick miracle, water was still supplied to the house.

An old mattress was on the floor in the main room. The first few nights, Tyson had put trash bags between the mattress and his sleeping bag. It must have been years since anyone last lived in this place. The lack of rodents and little variety of bugs were a nice surprise. A small window was above the bed. It was even with the sidewalk outside and had been painted shut.

Along the wall between the bed and the bathroom was an iron table with two chairs. The set was too nice and out of place for the entire room. When Castle first saw them, they reminded him of a small bistro he and Kate had visited while in Belgium. He ached just looking at it. Memories of the sun warming his face, the sweet smell of waffles, chocolate and coffee delighting his nose and the soft caress of Kate's hand in his.

Castle had suffered a concussion during the plane crash. He agonized from a constant headache. Sleep came more often than normal. Many days, he was unsure how long he slept. He had no concept of time. A ringing in his ears would come and go. The few times he was in the bathroom, he noticed his eyes were bloodshot. At first, he knew that blood vessels in his eyes had ruptured. But now they were a constant red. He didn't want to over-think it, so he let it go.

Most of the time, Castle sat on the floor with his hands and feet bound. His hands were tied together with rope and then fastened to a metal hook eye attached to the wall. Some days Tyson tied his hands above his head, but others they were bound to either side of Castle's body, close to the floor. Tyson did provide him with a mat to sleep on.

As ragged as his time had been, Castle was grateful for the sleep. Many times, he would have dreams that seemed real. He dreamt of being in the loft with Kate and the kids. Visions of Alexis, his mother and father intertwined with his dreams. Some dreams would come back to him in pieces. On the nights the dreams appeared to be real, he found himself reaching out for any trace of Kate he could find. He would be in the state between awake and asleep and feel curls of her hair wrapped around his fingers. The smell and heat of her body would linger from his dreams. But every time he woke up only to be reminded she wasn't actually there with him.

Tyson was gathering his "supplies" as he called them. To Castle's dismay, he seemed to have an unlimited amount of rope and duct tape. Many nights he would leave and then bring Castle food. Shortly after eating, Castle would pass out again. He knew he was being drugged. But on those nights, before he would lose consciousness, Tyson would put items in his bag and leave.

Castle could only guess where Tyson was going. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he knew. Deep inside he knew Tyson was stalking women and then fulfilling his ritual before killing them.

This night, Castle wasn't as tired has he had been. Tyson had let him shower. As he sat in a chair at the table, his mind was racing with ways to overpower Tyson and escape. Most of his days were filled with the same thoughts. But with the lack of nutrition and movement, he was continually weak. Today, a plan with real possibilities to succeed was brewing in his mind.

Tyson had just finished securing Castle's restraints when Castle asked, "What do you want with me? Why not just kill me?"

Tyson had begun to walk away when he stopped. Castle feared Tyson would double back and hit him as he had on numerous occasions. He heard Tyson laugh and say, "Have you not learned anything from me yet? You think I went through all of this trouble just to put a bullet in your brain? Where's the fun in that?"

Castle raised an eyebrow. "Fun? When have you ever been one for fun?"

Tyson turned around and faced Castle. "Oh, Mr. Castle. You have so much to learn about a true sociopath. You know, most cats play with their prey before they devour it. No real reason, just because they can."

The unnatural smile on Tyson's face after this remark made Castle's blood freeze. Castle sure didn't think of Tyson as a cat. No, he was more of the rat.

"Answer me this, how did you pull this off?" Castle truly wanted to know. He knew this kind of stunt took time and careful planning to be effective, not to mention resources. If Castle wanted to break free from Tyson, he needed more input on exactly how much of each his captor really had.

"Why would I tell you?" Tyson scoffed.

"Why wouldn't you? I mean this is not a cartoon where the bad guy reveals his true intentions, only for the hero to thwart them off at the last minute. Also, I'm guessing your endgame is to kill me anyway, so your secret goes to the grave with me." Castle inserted a teasing pause here and then baited Tyson with is own, "Where's the fun in that?"

"You have a valid point. But then, if I tell you, _you_ get some form of satisfaction and I can't have that. And as always, this is a winner-takes-all scenario. You have ruined my fun twice already, remember."

"Seriously? What satisfaction could I possibly achieve by learning anything about how your mind works. Unless you consider the expectation of knowing for sure my days are counted. But then, I had already kind of guessed that anyway. So, you still win."

Castle felt as if his brain had turned to mush in the past few months. His thinking skills were nothing like they were before the plane crash.

He confessed to Tyson, "I already know you're one for changing your looks, and of course, changing your name. I can tell your looks are different. But it was your eyes that gave you away. No matter what color of contacts you wear, brown eyes are hard to disguise."

Tyson had either dyed his hair or let the natural ash come through at his temples. His hair was a little longer, and the curls were more distinct. He tried to camouflage the dark brown of his eyes with blue contacts. Just as Castle had said, they looked unnatural. Dark brown eyes were hard to mask.

Tyson had gained about 25 pounds since Castle and Tyson last met on that bridge in New York. His face was fuller. This new attribute of his body wasn't weight gain as much as it was pure muscle gain.

Hunter Schrader was the name he had chosen. He had taken on a southern accent and often wore a cowboy hat. The more he talked made Castle realize Tyson was the cabbie that picked him up months ago. Tyson had told Castle he was from Texas.

"Who were the hi-jackers?" Castle asked innocently.

"Just people I hired. I knew they wouldn't be missed if things went as planned. I was able to sneak them onboard and hide them in the luggage compartment at the back of the plane. You never knew they were there, huh?"

Castle honestly had no idea. The day he boarded the plane was like any other. Hunter introduced himself to Castle as he came on board. Castle took his seat as the pilot did one last check before he closed the doors and took his seat at the front of the plane.

Thinking back on that day caused Castle to become irritated. But he tried to cut himself a break arguing that the fact it was his friend's private plane allowed for his guard to be down. Tyson was talking about how he had planned the whole thing. Castle couldn't exactly make out what he was saying. The last words he did remember hearing were his name, family, and kill. An uncontrollable rage brewed inside him at an alarming rate.

Castle made a promise to himself to not let his guard down. Ever.

* * *

The smell of iron was overwhelming. Between adrenaline wearing out and the natural smell of the musty basement, he had no choice other than to vomit.

Somehow, he made it into the makeshift bathroom and relieved his stomach into a bucket.

His hands, shirt and jeans were covered in blood. After so many years at crime scenes, nothing prepared him for this. There was a small mirror on the wall. Scratches covered its surface, but he was able to recognize his crooked reflection. Blood was splattered onto his face and in his hair. His hands were shaking as he turned on the faucet. As usual, the water didn't exactly come gushing out.

He let the water run over his hands, mixing with the blood. A trail of pink drained into the sink.

Picking up a rag from the floor, he wet it and covered his face. One swipe of his face and he looked at the towel. Blood covered the towel. It seemed to him that no matter how many times he did it, the rag would be soaked in blood and his face would still be bloodstained.

Thoughts of what had just happened reverberated in his head. Castle was not an aggressive person, much less a killer. But_ he_ had to be stopped.

Tyson's fatal mistake was not being able to determine how Castle had freed himself from his restraints until it was too late.

One minute, Tyson was face-to-face with Castle, eerily narrating how he convinced two thugs to assist him with a kidnapping. How he had promised they would survive and walk away with an impressive monetary reward.

"But, you claim to know the human psyche, Mr. Castle, so you must have guessed there was no chance of survival," Tyson taunted. Then he went on to describe how he had planned to kill Castle and how he was going to head across town afterwards and finish the entire Castle family as his "_pièce de résistance_."

Castle didn't know that Alexis had practically moved back into the loft, but Tyson made sure he did now. No member of the Castle family would be spared. Well, maybe Alexis's husband. Letting him live worked better for Tyson if Owen was still alive. This way, more grieving people at the wake of Tyson's work could attest to his greatness.

"She's one less cab ride," he sneered. He just kept talking. The more he talked, the more infuriated Castle became. Before either man knew it, Castle was free from the wall he was bound to and then his fists were unrelentingly hitting Tyson's face.

They struggled for a bit, but because Castle had caught Tyson off guard, Castle had the upper hand. Once he pinned Tyson to the ground, Castle punched his face repeatedly. Blood gushed from Tyson's nose and mouth. Castle had no idea how many times he hit the monster, but it wasn't enough. He was in a frenzy and couldn't stop. His fists had sprung to life, and no amount of hits would ever be enough.

As he came out of his trance, Castle saw that Tyson lay motionless under his own body. He stopped to see if Tyson was breathing and was able to hear short shallow breaths that came from his chest. Castle scrambled to his feet. He knew Tyson kept a knife in the room, usually in his duffle bag.

Searching frantically, he tore into the duffle bag. The contents of the bag did nothing but get in the way. He shuffled through rope, tape, and binoculars until he found the knife resting on the bottom.

Castle pulled it from the bag and flipped the knob to release the blade. It glistened in the light. Walking the few feet back to Tyson's body, Castle got a better grip on the metal handle. He approached the still motionless body and kicked Tyson's foot for a reaction. Tyson let out a low moan. The rise and fall of his chest had slowed considerably in the few minutes it took Castle to find the knife.

Kneeling beside Tyson's body, Castle steadied himself for his next move. In the months since he had been in Tyson's captivity, he fantasized of how he could escape. Many nights he dreamt of killing the bastard, but the opportunity never presented its self.

But, finally, here he was. This was his one and only chance. Treacherous tears streamed down Castle's cheeks. He wiped his eyes and plowed through the emotions he was feeling. Just like one of the characters in his books, he had become a cold, heartless killer. The man before him had to die by his hand. It was just mere business.

He placed his left hand onto Tyson's forehead and then brought the knife up to his throat. A solitary tear fell from Castle's eye and landed on Tyson's cheek. Thoughts of Kate and the tears she must have cried flooded his mind. Castle took a deep breath and plunged the knife into Tyson's skin. With a quick jerk, he pulled the knife all the way across Tyson's throat.

Blood shot into the air, like it was raining crimson tears. Castle then moved down and cut deep gashes into Tyson's thighs. He knew Tyson was dead, but he had to be sure. This man had done nothing with his life, other than bring sadness and sorrow into the lives of others. There was no way Castle was going to allow him the chance of survival.

Wiping new-formed tears from his eyes and trying to stop his hands from shaking, Castle then moved to Tyson's chest and executed chest compressions. While doing research for one of his Derrick Storm novels, he learned from a Navy SEAL that was the most efficient way to finish off a bleeding man. "Go for the jugular vein and the femoral artery, then help your own victim's body pump out all the blood."

The next thing Castle knew he was standing before the sink. There was rope still tied to his wrists and blood covering his body. He turned off the water and dried his hands. Stepping out of the bathroom, he couldn't even look in the direction of the body. He had seen dead bodies before in countless crime scenes. But never had he dreamt he would be the one that caused the death.

He sat on the edge of the makeshift bed contemplating his next move. Where should he go? How would he get there? What was just beyond the door?

The duffle bad and its contents were spread all over the bed. He reached behind himself and swiped his hand across the bed, moving anything that might be in his way. Right now, he wanted nothing more than to lie down and gather his thoughts.

Lying back, he brought his arm to rest on his forehead. Something poked his side and he pushed it away with his other hand.

Quickly he sat up. Whatever he had just moved was not rope and it was not tape, either. Running his hand under the blanket, he found the rigid object. He smiled at his good fortune. Before he pulled it from its hiding place, he knew he was holding a phone. As he brought it into view, he couldn't thank his lucky stars more. Castle was holding his own phone. He knew Tyson had taken it; this had to be part of his plan. He wasn't even surprised to see the phone was completely charged. But he was freaking at the thought that the only reason to keep the phone charged would mean it had been used.

He slid his thumb across the screen and smiled as he saw Kate's beautiful face.

Tapping the phone icon, he went to his favorites and selected a name. The phone on the other end rang once, then twice. As the third ring started, Castle became light-headed and dizzy. Sweat formed at his hairline and his breathing became labored.

Finally, his call was answered.

"Esposito."

"Es-po. Espo it's me. I'm not de-ad… not dead," Castle said with a shaky voice. The room started to spin as Castle lay back onto the bed. His entire body was shaking.

"Holy shit! Bro, how is this possible? Is this a sick joke? Is it really you?"

"I dunno," Castle's speech was becoming slurred, and he could no longer keep his eyes opened.

"Castle! Castle! Where are you?" Esposito was shouting. Ryan turned in his chair and picked up the line. He began a trace on the call as the color drained from his face.

Esposito called for Castle again but couldn't hear anything. And there was no reply on the other end of the line.

Looking at Ryan, he said compellingly, "Tell me you got that! Do we have a trace?"

"Yeah. Yeah, man. We got it." Ryan was grinning from ear to ear.

Esposito spoke loudly into the phone, "Castle, you hold tight. Bro, we're on our way!" The guys hung up their phones and instantly hugged each other as the entire bullpen turned to them.

In the air, Ryan was holding the small paper where he had scribbled the address. They smiled at each other as the whole homicide division erupted into applause.

Gates came from her office. "Ryan! Esposito! Did I hear you correctly? Is Castle really alive?"

Ryan wiped a tear from his eye, smiled at her and said, "Yes sir! Not only is he definitely alive, but we know where he is." He was holding the paper at her. This discovery made her burst with pride for the boys.

Gates stepped closer and lowered her voice, "I don't want to be the Debbie Downer, but how certain are you he is alive or will still be alive by the time you get there?"

"I have no idea, but I just confirmed what I have always known. Castle is alive. I'm going to get my brother and bring him home," Ryan cheerfully said.

Ryan and Esposito grabbed their coats and practically hurdled the desks to get to the elevator. Once the door opened, they strode inside and turned toward the bullpen. They quickly looked at each other and automatically held their hand up to "feed the birds" while the elevator doors closed.

"I told you! He's alive!" Ryan exclaimed as the elevator doors closed. He extended his hand and Javier handed him a twenty. With a huge grin on his face, Ryan yelled, "Best. Lost. Bet. EVER!"

* * *

**A/N: By the way- I really enjoy reading everyone's responses, private messages and reviews. We're well over half way through this story (word count wise).**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! All of the reviews have been amazing and I truly enjoy reading each one.**

**Sorry for the delay, but I hope you enjoy this ride. My only advice, you might want to grab a cup of coffee and some tissues and buckle up for this roller coaster ride.**

* * *

Kate's phone was lying on the bar when it started ringing. The boys had just come home from school, and she was waiting for Alexis to finish in the shower.

They were going to run a few errands and then go out for dinner. Jack and James had been begging to go out for pizza and ice cream. Once a month, Kate and the boys went on a "Mommy and me" date. She would take one boy and let him pick one activity. Then they would top of the day with dinner and ice cream. The next week, it would be the other boy's turn. Since Castle's accident, she hadn't had a date night with the boys in awhile. And after Johanna was born, time really became scarce.

James was sitting on the couch, telling Kate about his day. There was a new boy at school, and James didn't like him too much.

"He called me names, Mommy," James said with a pout. Kate pulled him onto her lap and let him rest his head on her chest.

As she ran her fingers up and down his back, she said softly, "Oh baby, I know people are mean sometimes. But that doesn't mean you get to be unkind back."

He looked up at her with his big blue eyes and exclaimed, "No, Mommy. I would never be mean. I just stayed away from the boy and played with my real friends."

For a little boy that was only three, he was wiser beyond his years. This made Kate really proud of her son, but also worried her a bit. She really hoped, if things ever came to it, James would not allow others to bully. James was a smart boy, but also had a heart of gold like his father. She decided to bring the issue up during their next "Mommy and me" date.

As her phone started to ring again, Jack asked, "Mom, do you want me to get your phone?"

Kate sighed. She didn't want to be bothered right now. She hadn't exactly talked to Lanie in a few days and presumed it was her calling to see how Kate handled lunch with Demming. It was just lunch between two friends, nothing less and nothing more. Of course, Kate knew Demming wanted more. He had said so. She felt she handled their situation rather eloquently.

Looking at Jack, she nodded, "Please, sweetie. I can at least silence it." Jack jumped up from the chair he was in. He had been reading a book and tucked it under his arm as he went for the kitchen. He rounded the counter as the phone stopped ringing.

He picked up the phone and carried it to his mother. As he handed it to her, Alexis's phone began to ring. She had left it on the coffee table. Kate didn't want to pry, so she ignored the unwanted noise.

Kate didn't even bother to look at her screen. Right now, she didn't want to deal with anything or anyone outside of her family. So she just slid the phone into her pocket.

Alexis appeared at the top of the stairs. She was dressed in jeans and a green tank top. Jack saw her and commented that she looked prettier in "real" clothes rather than her work scrubs. As she passed him, she ran her fingers through his hair.

"You know, Jack, I would much rather wear real clothes every day." She smiled at her brother.

"Maybe you can get a different job and wear real clothes," he said so innocently.

Alexis and Kate laughed at his logic. Kate asked Alexis to carry Johanna. James didn't seem to want to leave Kate's lap. He needed some "Mommy-time," and Kate was more than happy to indulge him.

James did climb off his mother's lap so she could get a few bottles for the baby before they headed out. The boys put on their hoodies and waited at the door. Alexis had wrapped a sleeping Johanna into a blanket as Kate walked over to meet them.

As Jack opened the door, he and James began singing a silly made up song about going out for pizza and ice cream. Kate smiled as she shut and locked the front door. In moments like this, she missed Castle the most.

Turning to Alexis, she advised, "Alexis, your phone is still on the table. Do you want me to go back in and get it?"

"No. Tonight is date night. If anyone needs me, I can call back later. Tonight, I am not a doctor. I am just a loving daughter and a sister. Owen is out of town, so it should be nothing pressing anyway."

James put his pudgy hand into his mom's and assenting with his head, he said, "Date night is a no phone night; right, Mommy?"

Kate slid her phone out of her pocket, flipped the lever to silence it and slid it back into her pocket. Walking towards the elevator, swinging their hands, she vowed, "Baby, I couldn't have said it better myself."

* * *

Javier cursed as he hung up his phone.

"Ryan, did you get an answer?" Esposito tried to dial down the frustration in his voice, but his adrenaline was running high.

"No man, I called Alexis twice. It rang and went to voicemail. I'm going to send her a text."

Esposito dialed his phone again. On the second ring, he got an answer. But he expected it this time.

"Yo, cap'n. I tried calling Beckett and didn't get an answer. Can you send a uni to the loft?"

Esposito and Ryan were driving as fast as they could to the address in Harlem. Without traffic, it would take roughly twenty-five minutes. However, it seemed as if every New Yorker was out on the roads today. The duo was either stopped in traffic behind slow cars, waiting for pedestrians to cross the street or dodging cyclists.

They had called the 24th precinct ahead to have proper back-up meet them at the address. Javier explained to homicide Captain Gonzales that they were following a lead on the abduction of a man. When Gonzales questioned Esposito, Javi told him that there really wasn't a lot of information to give other than they knew the man had been missing for a few months and they received a tip that he was at a location in their area. He said he knew it was not their jurisdiction, but the lead was connected to a case of theirs. He didn't want to explain the entire situation over the phone.

When their squad car came to a stop at a red light, Ryan's phone rang. Feverishly grabbing for it, he tapped the screen to answer.

"Ryan."

"It's Gates. Uni's arrived at the loft, and no one is home. The doorman said he saw Kate, Alexis and the kids leave about half an hour ago. He was talking to another resident, so he has no idea where they were going."

"Oh man, I have no idea where she could have gone. And we still haven't been able to get either of them to answer their phone." Ryan flashed a look of concern to his partner.

"We're about 10 minutes from the house in Harlem. We'll keep you updated as to what we get there, Captain."

"I am going to go to the loft and wait for Beckett. I want to be the one to tell her what we have found. You boys keep in the loop." Softly and full of concern, she said, "And, Ryan, you two be careful."

"Yes, sir." With that, Ryan hung up his phone and apprised Javier to the situation.

Once they finally made it to the house, Javier asked Ryan, "Bro, are you sure this is the correct address?"

There were other police officers at the house. Some were standing on the sidewalk; two had arrived at the same time as Esposito and Ryan.

The house was part of a row house. Each home looked like all the others, but painted a different color. It was a typical three-story home. There were a few broken windows on the second floor. The entrance's screen door had been ripped from all of the hinges but one.

The house they were looking for was a rusty brown color. It was uncertain if the color was faded from time, neglect or was actually the original color.

Ryan and Esposito exited the car and grabbed their Kevlar vests from the trunk. As Ryan was securing the last strap on his vest, he said to the other officers, "This is a photo of the man we are looking for. Approximately thirty minutes ago we received a call tracing back to this location. Audible contact was made with this man before he went unresponsive."

"We have no idea what the actual situation is, other than this man was presumed dead in April and now he's making phone calls," defended Esposito.

One of the officers in the back of the group raised his hand. When Ryan acknowledged him, he questioned, "How do we know this isn't a hoax? I mean if he's presumed dead, he can't be contacting the police."

Javier and Kevin looked at each other and gave a small nod. "This man is Richard Castle. He once worked with us at the one-two. We know his family. Hell, he IS family. We attended his funeral. His body was never found, but I know it was him calling." Javier had to stop himself before he cried. Tears welled in his eyes as he turned his back to the crowd.

Ryan gave Javi a light pat on the back and said, "Come on, bro, and let's do this."

Following their instincts, the officers quietly entered the house. They split up and a group went upstairs while the other group searched the downstairs. Quietly, "room clear" was heard one-by-one as the rooms were searched.

The group from upstairs was trudging down the stairs to meet everyone at the base of the stairs. As they came together, the young officer from outside said, "I knew this was a hoax. Dead men don't call."

Before he could finish the sentence, Javier had the man pinned to the wall. His forearm was against the man's chest, and they were nose-to-nose.

Javier began to snarl when he snapped, "Hoax or not, you follow every lead. You have no idea the type of hell we have been through for the past six months. I've sat beside his wife and their children, walking with them in this tragedy. So you don't get to say a damn word."

Pushing the man into the wall with a little more force, Javier then released his grip. Ryan had come to Esposito's side and was quietly telling him to let go of the officer. Kevin wasn't too demanding for Javier to release the officer because he knew he wanted to do the same thing, if not more to the young man.

Their fellow officer LT came around the corner, interrupting the tension in the air.

"Um, guys, did anyone look in this room?" He pointed towards the kitchen.

"Yes, I did," insisted Esposito.

LT realized Javi meant the kitchen. "No. Not the kitchen. There's a door under the stairs. It's padlocked, though."

Like a trail of ducks, in a single file line the officers followed Javier and Kevin through the living room.

Without a word spoken, Javier ran from the house to his patrol car. He flung open the trunk, dug around for a few seconds and retrieved a tool kit. Skipping a few stairs as he jogged into the house, he tried to not plow into any of the officers in the living room.

"Here, use this." Javi was pushing a large set of bolt cutters towards Ryan.

Ryan worked frantically to cut the metal hook of the lock. The harder he tried, the less the metal gave in. He was beginning to lose his patience. Pushing him aside, Javier took the handles of the bolt cutters and gave them a squeeze.

Wiping the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, Ryan stumbled back to give Esposito more room. He leaned down and began to look through the bag that Esposito had brought from the car. There had to be something in this bag to open the door.

When his hand touched the screwdriver, he put it in his pocket and began to look for a hammer. Even though the hinges had been painted, it was worth a chance to see if they could be loosened.

LT must have read Ryan's mind. He ran to the kitchen and came back with a hammer. "I saw this in a cabinet when I did the final walk though. Give me another screwdriver. I'll start working on the bottom."

Ryan smiled, handed LT a screwdriver and they both got to work. Ryan had to scrape paint to gain access to the screws holding the hinge to the door. Once he got a better look, he could tell the screws had been stripped. There was no way he was going to be able to remove the screws.

Cursing, he shook his head, thinking of another way to get the damn door opened. Stepping forward, he took the blade of screwdriver and placed it under the head of the bolt. He hit the tip of the screwdriver repeatedly with the hammer.

Javier was still working on the lock when LT announced he had popped the hinge from its holding place. Soon after Ryan had succeeded at his task and together they freed the middle bolt. All three men grabbed the door, opening it to a flight of stairs.

Before entering the doorway, they stopped and listened carefully for any noises. All of the detectives and officers drew their guns as Javier cautiously took the lead and proceeded down the stairs. With every creak and noise, he would stop and allow time to listen to the surroundings.

Once he made it to the bottom of the stairs, Javier made the left into the hallway. At the end of the hall, a door was directly in front of them, and another door to the right. The left side of the hall was lined with a musty cinderblock wall.

A detective from the 24th precinct, whispered, "We'll take the door straight ahead." Four officers snaked around Esposito, Ryan and LT as they stacked up to enter the room.

Cautiously, Esposito reached for the doorknob and turned it. Making eye contact with Ryan, he counted to three and swung the door open. As they stepped inside, each man was engulfed with stale smell mixture of blood and body odor.

Scanning the room and observing there was no movement, they approached the makeshift bed. Javier went to the right of the bed and saw Tyson's lifeless body on the ground.

"For what it's worth, LT, will you check for a pulse?"

Walking closer to the body, LT grumbled. He reached in his pockets and pulled out a pair of latex gloves. As he slipped them on, Ryan almost screamed, "It's Castle."

Ryan rushed to the side of the bed as he put his gun into his holster. He slipped on a pair of gloves and knelt down onto the bed. His eyes scanned Castle's body. From head to toe, Castle was covered in blood.

The color of Castle's face was ashen; his hair was greasy, and he looked as if he was fifty pounds lighter. There were old and new bruises on his face. One of his ears had a cut that appeared as if it was already starting to heal. His eyes were sunken deeper into his skull.

Ryan stopped to look at his chest and check for breathing. As he put his fingers on Castles throat, he felt a faint pulse.

"Call for a medic. He's got a pulse," Ryan called.

Esposito called on his radio for an ambulance just as the four officers rejoined them in the room. They updated Esposito that the room at the other end of the hall was just an empty closet. Another officer called for CSU, while LT confirmed that the man on the floor was dead. One by one, the officers arrived at the scene and began to search the room.

Ryan never left Castle's side. He leaned down and whispered into Castle's ear.

"Hey, buddy. We're here; we found you. Everything is going to be all right. Stay with me, man. Kate is waiting for you. So are Jack, James and the baby. Your Mom and Dad are going to be so happy to have you back." Ryan quietly sobbed, "Alexis is a doctor, so you'll be in excellent hands when you get home. Don't stop breathing, man. You can do this. You have a baby girl just waiting to hear her Daddy's voice for the first time."

Javier excused himself to the hall in order to call Captain Gates. He walked down the hall toward the closet. Not being able to fight the emotion of what they had discovered any longer, tears flooded his eyes and cascaded down his cheeks. He didn't have the faith that Ryan had about Castle. He knew he had been to the man's funeral. There was a plane crash, and there was nothing to prove he was alive. Yet here he was in a flophouse in Harlem. Castle was mere feet away from him and possibly fighting for his life, and it hadn't been him who had enough faith to keep searching for him no matter what. Ryan was the real hero here.

Wiping his eyes, he removed his phone from his pocket. He had a missed call from Lanie but decided to call her later. Tapping his screen, he was quickly connected to Gates' direct phone.

After she answered he said, "Cap'n, we got him. Yes, sir. He's unconscious, but he is alive."

Gates asked questions about Castle's condition and then said she was still waiting at the loft for Kate's return. She had tried numerous times to call, but Kate was still not answering her phone. She told him not to worry, as soon as Kate came in, Gates would bring her to the hospital.

Right before they hung up, Gates asked, "Who did this? Do we know?"

"Well, sir, there is another body in the room. It looks a little worse than Castle. I only got a quick glimpse at it; I believe it is Jerry Tyson."

The two exchanged their thoughts and theories before ending the call. Esposito returned to the room and waited for the ambulance as Gates leaned against the door to the loft, awaiting Kate's arrival.

* * *

**AN: I PROMISE the next chapter will be posted on Monday!**

**xo- until then**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Here it is. For me, this roller coaster ride is on the fast downhill. The chapters are coming pretty quick and the end is right around the curve. A few who have previewed this said I must include a disclaimer about needing tissues. So, consider yourself forewarned! :)**

* * *

James was chatting about the play date he was going to attend the next day. He and Jack had been invited over to the Ryan's home. Whenever they got to spend the day with Jenny, she would always do fun arts and crafts projects with them and they would bake cookies before they went home.

"I hope we make the white cookies with 'rackademia' nuts," he exclaimed.

"You mean macadamia nuts," Kate corrected.

"Yeah, rackademia nuts."

Kate rolled her eyes and glancing towards Alexis, she laughed, "Those are the ones, baby."

Laughing, they stepped off the elevator. Walking hand-in-hand, James was swinging Kate's arm while Jack wrapped his arms around her arm. He held her arm close to his face. Kate looked down at Jack and smiled. He never looked back up at her, but what he was feeling Kate had experienced herself. He basked in the presence of his mother. The closeness of her skin, the smell of her body, the touch that only belonged to her had healing qualities.

He was just like her and got quiet when he was processing information. In his own time, he would come to her and ask for clarification. He was never one to be prompted.

Suddenly, James stopped swinging his Mom's arm and became motionless. When the trio stopped, Kate said to James, "What's wrong?"

James just stared ahead with wide eyes. Confusion covered his face. Slowly lifting his free hand, he pointed and whispered, "Who is that, Mommy?"

Kate's eyes followed his hand, ran them down the hall and trailed up the long legs of a woman. As she neared the woman's waist, it immediately jarred her memory. Her eyes finally rested on the brown eyes of an old friend.

Captain Victoria Gates was pacing the length of the corridor. She had her arms wrapped tightly across her chest. She wore a dark blue pantsuit with a crisp white shirt. Her jacket was unbuttoned. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun allowing the features of her face to stand out, which fired up Kate's Spidey-senses. The look of worry on Captain Gates face was unmistakable.

As she was walking towards the elevator for the most unnumbered time, she heard Kate, Alexis and the kids as they stepped off the elevator. She halted and offered them a warm smile.

Her face wrinkled in new ways. Gone were the days of youthful skin. After so many years on the force, the days had not given her their best. The dark chocolate brown eyes she bore used to be brighter and danced when she smiled. But today, that dance had long gone. Compassion and worry emanated from her eyes… and something else Kate couldn't put her finger on. There was something different there, and Kate picked up on it immediately, even though she couldn't quite decipher just what it was.

"Captain Gates. How nice to see you here." Kate spoke in order to avoid scaring the boys. But fear was welled up in her heart, and she was not doing a very good job of hiding it. It must have shot out and radiated down her right arm. Jackson's grasp on his mother's arm grew tighter. He met her with resistance as she walked closer to their front door.

Slowly, Kate released her arm from her son's death grip. She gave his head a soft pat with unspoken confidence and reassurance. Extending her hand, she shook Gates' hand. The electricity between the two women was palpable, mixed with fear and heartache.

"Hello Beck – Kate. It's good to see you," Gates began softly. Turning her attention to the children, she stated, "You boys have gotten big. How old are you now?"

Excitedly, James piped up, "I'm almost four," waving three fingers in the air.

Jackson gave Gates a look that was a mix between hatred and concern. In Jack's eyes, she asked for information he did not feel she was privy to gain. Wrapping her arm around Jackson's shoulders, Kate said, "Jack just had a birthday, and he's now six."

"That uses both hands," James said gleefully as his chubby hands fluttered in the air. This time he was indeed showing her the right amount of fingers.

Gates smiled at the boys. Her half-hearted smile revealed that she was not there for a friendly visit. Pain and agony echoed on her face and were accompanied by the sadness in her eyes.

Alexis stepped around the trio and retrieved a set of keys from her pocket. She clutched the baby a little tighter to her chest as she opened the loft front door.

"Captain Gates, why don't you come in? Come on, boys," Alexis nudged.

James skipped in the door and went into the kitchen. Jack went in without much trepidation, but was right behind his brother. Jack could pick up on the uneasiness Captain Gates brought with her. He wanted to protect his mother from the woman he had only seen a few times in his life.

Alexis placed the baby in a bassinet in the living room and then went into the kitchen to get the boys a snack. The plan was to let them eat, take a bath and then put them to bed. But Alexis knew something was about to change. She had no idea what bombshell Gates was about to drop, but she knew Gates would not have come by herself if this were not a pressing matter.

* * *

Officers stood in and out of the house. On the far right of the house, an officer sat on the ground with his knees pulled to his chest. His head was between his knees. A paramedic was handing him a towel with a bottle of water. Lanie's coffee brown eyes immediately looked at him intently as the paramedic said to the officer, "First crime scene?"

"What?" the officer lifted and shook his head in confusion. "No, I've been to a few, but none this bad. I have never seen so much blood." Taking the rag and bottle, he opened the water, gulped about half of it before jumping up to turn around and vomit.

Lanie got a look of disgust on her face and froze at the implications.

"Javier, what does he mean 'so much blood'? Is Castle hurt?" Fear overwhelmed her and caused her hands to shake. Lanie spent over fifteen years in law enforcement. She rode off into the dark of the night to gruesome crime scenes. But she had never arrived at one where her best friend's husband was the victim.

"No, no Lanie. He is fine. But whoever was holding him suffered big time."

Javi reached over and gave Lanie a hug. He wrapped his strong arms around her small frame and pulled her tight to his body. Her brown eyes were soft and red. Even though she tried to hide the puffiness of her eyes with makeup, it did little to camouflage she had been crying.

"What do you mean, suffered?" she questioned.

"We're not completely sure," explained Javier as he and Lanie walked up the stairs to the house. "We tried to ask Castle questions, but he had already passed out. One of the paramedics said it might have been from shock, dehydration or fatigue. Personally, I think it was all three. They would know more once they got him to the hospital. Ryan rode with him so he could debrief Captain Gates."

"Well, I only get called for a dead body, so why am I here, Javi" stated Lanie.

"No offense, chica. But why are you here? This area isn't even in our district," Esposito questioned. He was so used to her being at their crime scenes, but this was completely out of their jurisdiction.

"Oh, Davidson is the ME that handles this area, but there is a big house fire about three miles from here. He and all of his staff are working there. Trust me, I had no idea when they asked for someone to come here that it would be a crime scene where anyone by the name of Castle was involved."

Lowering her voice, she looked Javier in the eyes and said, "So, tell me. How bad is it?"

Javier glanced around before his eyes settled on hers. He whispered, "It's bad, Lanie. I honestly don't know how Castle pulled this off. He's always been such a kind guy, it's hard to believe he did what he did."

* * *

Kate hesitated as she stepped out of Gate's patrol car. Using the gumball, the flashing red light on the cruiser, they cruised through traffic with ease. Kate had a hard time discerning which was racing faster, her heart or the car.

Gates parked the patrol car to the right of the ambulance bay. An ambulance was already parked in a spot. But Kate knew there were other ambulances in the city. There was little chance that she and Gates had arrived before Castle. Closing the door gently, Kate leaned back against the car. Inhaling deeply, she closed her eyes. The smells of the city infiltrated her nose. Back at the loft, when Gates had told her that the boys had found Castle and he was alive, her heart had jumped into her throat and taken permanent residency there. She felt the room spinning around her and took all her strength and Gates' quick reflexes to keep Kate from hitting the floor. Ever since then, as hard as she could, she tried to slow her heart and control her breathing.

Gates came to her side. Gently placing her hand on top of Kate's, she smiled and she whispered, "It's going to be Okay. I talked to Esposito and he said that Castle is alive. He isn't injured." Tugging her gently, Gates says, "Let's go inside and wait." Walking in a zombie-like state, Kate crossed the parking spaces.

Once they entered the emergency room, Captain Gates went to the nurses' station. She quietly spoke to a young nurse behind the counter. Kate heard her say they were awaiting the arrival of a patient coming in from a crime scene in Harlem. The nurse whispered that the paramedics had just radioed in that they should be arriving in five minutes.

Gates went to a coffee machine and bought herself and Kate a cup. When she finally found Kate, she was pacing in front of the doors leading into the emergency room.

"Hey, I got you a cup of coffee. It may not be a grande skim latte with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla, but I know what coffee means to you both. I thought it was only fitting," Gates smiled.

Kate's posture changed immediately and a sliver of a smile came across her face. So many years had passed since Castle brought her the last crime scene coffee. Every morning, he would bring her a cup of coffee while she was still in bed, if he could catch her still asleep. Many days, she woke before he did.

"You know, I never said anything about you and Castle dating. Matter of fact, when I first started at the precinct, I thought you two were together. And that was just based on the chatter from fellow officers." Gates walked to a pair of chairs nearby and sat down. Kate's eyes followed her. Patting the chair next to her, Gates motioned for Kate to come sit.

As Kate sat next to her, she took a large gulp of her coffee. She hadn't really had much since she got pregnant with Johanna. After Castle's accident, she rarely had any. Drinking coffee without him just didn't feel right. Her heart was broken and whenever she made coffee, the smell made her stomach turn.

Gates leaned close to Kate and acknowledged, "Being a detective, not much gets by you. I didn't exactly make Captain based on my pretty looks." She slightly chuckled before continuing. "I did notice though, everyday he brought you a cup of coffee. He never failed. Even when I knew you two weren't dating and in those few times when one of you was mad at the other, coffee was still omnipresent with you two. Just as sure as the sun would rise, Castle came in with a cup of coffee in each hand. It became his thing."

Kate smiled as she wiped a tear from her eye. Gates put an arm around Kate's shoulder. She said soothingly, "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean to make you cry. But I do find it endearing that coffee became such a strong symbol of love between you two. It's sweet." Gates had always been so rough around the edges. The more she learned about her detectives, the more she lost her jaggedness. Over time, she grew to love each and every one of them. She would probably never admit it publicly, but Kate held a very special place in Captain Gates' heart. She had indeed earned her trust and her loyalty.

The sound of sirens could be heard. A doctor came running from the ambulance bay. As he saw her, he questioned, "Are you Katherine Castle?" Not able to control her anxiety, she jumped to her feet as she exclaimed, "Yes!"

"Your husband is here, ma'am. But hospital policy dictates I have to ask you to stay here while we assess his condition."

"Like hell you will," demanded Gates.

Kate was no longer in control of her own actions. She handed Gates her coffee and ran towards the doors. The ambulance was pulling in slowly. Wasting no time, Kate ran to the end of the walkway. As the back doors abruptly swung open, a paramedic hopped out. A nurse had come up behind Beckett, and the paramedic was giving her Castle's stats.

Kate pushed passed him and made her way to the ambulance doors. Ryan appeared and stood between her and the gurney.

"Ryan, move!" Kate commanded.

"Kate, stop. Let me talk to you first." He was trying his best to block her from the ambulance.

"Are you crazy? How can you ask me that at this moment? No, I am going in there. NOW."

"Kate. Kate!" he grabbed her arm as she tried to pass him and swung her around. "You need a minute. It's not as bad as it looks. He is bad, though. Are you sure you don't want to wait until they get him cleaned up and assessed?" he asked with a mix of concern and pity in his eyes and voice.

"If it was Jenny, what would you want to wait?"

With that, Kate jumped into the back of the ambulance. She took a seat on the bench across from the gurney. As she watched Castle's legs, "Baby steps, Kate. Baby steps," she kept whispering to herself.

Her eyes trailed up his legs. He was covered in dried blood, but she couldn't see wounds or any rips in his pants. Sighing in relief, she let her eyes slide further up his body. She wanted to devour all of him with her eyes. His hands were resting on each side of his abdomen. They too, were encrusted with dried blood. Kate picked up his left hand, examined it quickly and placed it against her chest. She gave his hand a quick squeeze and got nothing in return. But she didn't care. The initial panic was gone now. All she cared about was he was alive, he was breathing and they would make it through this. Always.

Placing his hand back by his side, she finally allowed herself to look at his face. One glance and tears poured from her eyes. Just now, she noticed his eyes were sunken. His skin was pale and ashen. Running her hands through his hair, she leaned down and whispered in his ear, "Oh God, Castle. You're really here." She rested her head against his temple as she cried. Her tears began to wash away some of the blood from his face.

"Open your eyes, baby. I'm here; you're safe, now" she whispered. Lifting her head, she kissed his temple as she gently stroked his cheek. Wiping more blood away, she kissed his cheek then whispered to him again, "Open your eyes. For me. Please?"

Following just above his jaw line, she covered his face with soft kisses from his ear to his lips. Running her thumb across his lips, she leaned over and tenderly kissed him. Their noses were touching as she released his lips. Quietly and smoothly, she caressed her nose against his.

"Castle, please," she pleaded, "open your eyes." Reaching down, she took his hand into hers. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve before she got closer to his ear again, "Rick, I love you."

Softly, she heard him whisper with a cracked voice, the one word that meant everything to them, "Always."

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**A/N: Again, thank you so much for the reviews, favorites and follows. I just need to remind myself to silence my phone at night when they're coming in. But don't let that stop ya ;)**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: With *wails* and *sobs*, my beta says I owe her another box of tissues...**

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The quietness of the room extended into the hall. Hushed voices mixed with beeps from machines were the only sounds to be heard. A row of chairs lined the wall. Between every two chairs was an attached table. At the nurse's station, a few vases with flowers occupied the counter space. Flowers were not permitted inside the rooms on the ICU floor. Patients need a sterile room as possible.

Shifting her weight in one of the cold hallway chairs, Kate tried to focus on anything but the long wait. Kate studied the nurse at the counter, trying to visualize what was on the chart in her hand. A man and woman walking out of the room next to her caught her attention. He was in a state of bewilderment. Even though the two tried to keep their conversation quiet, she was able to hear that his wife was the patient. There had been a horrible car crash, and their son was killed. The wife was comatose, and the doctors had little hope. This was not helping at all.

The elevator doors opened, and Kate shifted her focus again, hoping for a more optimistic distraction. A doctor and two women came out and behind them, finally, the redhead she had been waiting for. Alexis quickly exited the elevator, saying thank you to someone inside. She glanced around, looking for a familiar face. When her eyes met Kate's, a sense of relief came over both women.

Rushing to Kate, Alexis took her bag and flung it over her shoulder. She needed to be by the side of the only woman she really considered her mother. They were both still in a state of shock. Only two hours had passed since they learned that Castle was alive.

"I called Kendra, and she is with the kids. I just told the boys that I had to come here for work. They think you went out with Captain Gates to talk about work. Grams and Granddad are now headed back from the beach. They are coming here as soon as they get into town." Alexis was speaking so fast, Kate almost had a hard time keeping up. Or maybe Kate's own mind was racing so fast with her own concerns that she couldn't comprehend all of Alexis's chatter.

Alexis took a deep breath and asked, "What do they know?" Alexis tried to hide the concern in her voice, choking back tears.

"Well, Dr. Martinez tended to him in the ER, ordered a lot of labs, a CT Scan, and a full body X-ray. All I know for sure is he's severely dehydrated, malnourished and has some fractures that didn't heal properly." Kate was relieved she had been able to keep her composure.

Alexis nodded her head in understanding as Kate spoke. Wrinkling her brow, she asked, "Then why is he in ICU?"

To keep on going, Kate inhaled deeply, but to no avail this time. Tears slipped from her eyes. She took Alexis' hand into her own. "Um, because he hasn't woken up."

"I see," Alexis was surprisingly calm. "But is he responsive to any other stimuli, like pain, touch, or auditory stimulus?"

"Yeah. Yeah, he is." Alexis was able to keep her poise, this allowed Kate to calm down rather quickly.

Alexis nodded as she mumbled, "Good. That's good."

Just then Dr. Martinez walked up to the two women. Dr. Daniela Martinez was in her early thirties with long, curly brown hair, which she usually had pulled into a ponytail. Her skin was a soft sun-kissed tan. She was the same height as Alexis and scanned the chart in her hand with a set of intense hazel eyes.

"Hello again, Mrs. Cast – Alexis?"

"Hi Dani." Seeing Alexis with Kate threw off Dani.

"What are you doing here?" Dani had worked with Alexis her first two years of residency before she transferred to Harlem Hospital Center. "Are you working here, now?"

"Um no. Dani, this is Kate, my dad's wife. My dad, Rick Castle."

"Oh my goodness, sweetie. I didn't even put the pieces together. Please, let's go down this hall. There is a private family room. We can discuss your father and husband's condition there."

Reluctantly, Kate and Alexis followed Dr. Martinez. They walked the short distance to the family room and went inside. The room was lit and gave the impression of being someone's living room. A couch lined the wall on the left, across were two wingback chairs with a table and lamp. A coffee table was in front of the couch. Just inside the door was a sofa table holding a TV.

Dr Martinez stepped inside and gestured for Kate and Alexis to take a seat. Neither wanted to, but they decided it would be easier on everyone if there weren't a fuss.

Alexis sat at one end of the sofa, and Kate sat next to her. The tension radiating from them was palpable.

Dr Martinez sat across from them in one of the chairs. She straightened her skirt across her knees and then opened the chart.

"So, Mrs. Cast–"

"Please, call me Kate."

"Okay, Kate. As you know, your husband was brought in a few hours ago."

"Dani, wait. Kate, I promised Grams that I would call her as soon as we knew something." Turning her attention to the doctor, Alexis continued, "Do you mind if I put her on speakerphone. She's on her way back from the Hamptons and is expecting my call."

"Oh no, not at all."

Alexis retrieved her phone and swiped the screen. Within seconds, Martha's voice echoed through the room.

"Oh, Alexis, you finally called." Her voice was drenched with tears and sorrow.

"Hi, Grams. I'm with Kate and Dr. Dani Martinez. Dani and I worked together at Mt. Sinai. I'll let her tell us what's going on."

"Thank you, sweetie. Please, Dr. Martinez, how is my Richard doing?"

"Hello, ma'am. Mr. Castle was brought in a few hours ago from a house in Harlem. He was assessed in our Urgent Care Center then transferred to ICU. He is suffering from severe dehydration and head trauma. He is malnourished and has some fractures that didn't heal properly. According to the information we obtained from Mrs. Cast– I mean, Kate, he's lost about 50 pounds."

Martha gasped. "Oh dear," she sobbed. With learning this information, she could not stop the tears and apprehension from resurfacing again.

Dr. Martinez hesitated before she continued. "Ma'am, are you driving?" Dani asked concerned.

"No, I am," Jackson came across the line. His voice was strong and confident. Kate pictured his face. His dark brown eyes focused on the road, yet his mind racing with thoughts no father should ever have to process.

"I'm Jackson, Rick's father."

"Thank you, Jackson. Um, as of right now, Mr. Castle is in a coma. According to Detective Javier Esposito, he was responsive and coherent when he called for help, but lost consciousness shortly thereafter."

"A coma! Oh, dear God. Jackson," Martha was crying at this point, which caused Alexis to start crying. Kate reached over and took Alexis's hand into her own. In return, Alexis placed her head on Kate's shoulder. Kate wrapped her arm around her shoulder and brought her into a loving embrace.

Dani looked at Kate for confirmation. Kate whispered, "Please continue; we need to know."

Dr. Martinez started again, "We know that comas are caused by an injury to the brain. It can be anything from increased pressure, bleeding, loss of oxygen or a build up of toxins. In Mr. Castle's case, we think it was due to a combination of trauma and swelling."

Alexis wiped her eyes, but never looked up or lifted her head from Kate's shoulder. Her phone lay on the coffee table; the call was still connected but there was no sound coming from the other end.

"According to his lab results, he's suffering from a sever electrolyte imbalance. Which in turn, caused the swelling in his brain. I believe he was drugged, but those test results are not back yet. I should have them within the hour. Preliminary results found a large amount of barbiturates in his system."

Jackson spoke up, asking, "So, he was drugged with roofies? What kind of trauma has he suffered, and what are his chances of recovery?"

Kate let out a sigh of relief that Jackson was asking the questions that were on the whole family's minds.

"Well, Jackson, the injuries could be acute and reversible but they could, just as easily, be permanent. We're giving him medication to help with the swelling. But it's mainly a waiting game. The prognosis for a coma varies with each situation. The chances of a person's recovery depend on the cause of the coma, whether the problem can be corrected, and the duration of the coma itself. If we can pinpoint the problem and it can be resolved, Mr. Castle could return to his original level of functioning. Sometimes, though, if the brain damage is severe, a person may be permanently disabled or never regain consciousness. Luckily, comas that result from head injuries tend to have a higher rate of recovery than comas related to lack of oxygen. I do not believe that was the case with your son."

"Is there anything we can do?" Kate whispered.

"Kate, I'm sorry, but it can be very difficult to predict recovery when a person is in a coma. Every person is different. As we would expect, the longer a he's in a coma, the worse the prognosis." Dr. Martinez never enjoyed having these conversations. She didn't need to guess what was going through Kate's mind. Aside from running her thumb along Alexis' arm to convey comfort, Kate sat motionless and stared at a spot on the wall just beyond the doctor's head.

Martha could be heard sniffling through the phone. Jackson softly said, "Kate, dear, Martha and I are about an hour away from the city. Which hospital are you at?"

"Umm, we're at the Harlem–"

"Sorry to interrupt, but we will be transferring Mr. Castle to Mt. Sinai within the next two hours. Our hospital isn't really equipped, and his personal physician authorized the transfer."

"Personal physician? How– I haven't even contacted him yet," Kate sputtered.

"No, I did," Alexis said. "I knew Daddy would want me to."

Kate leaned back and let out a sigh of relief. Over the years she had often thought on how hard she had made things by isolating herself from friends and family. Everything would have been easier if she had not built that wall around her heart. But now, here and now, she realized how precious family was.

"Alexis, Kate, we will meet you at Mt. Sinai. Do we need to bring anything?" Jackson wanted to help in anyway he could. This feeling of helplessness was affecting his mood. Martha sat and watched the scenery fly by through the window. A steady stream of tears flowed from her eyes and a sense of dread filled her heart.

"Um, no, Granddad. The sitter is looking after the kids and will be there until tomorrow. Thank you, though." Alexis had regained her poise and became focused.

"We'll see you soon. Grams and I love you. We love you both."

"We love you, too. See you soon. Bye."

Alexis swiftly tapped her phone to end the call. If she stayed on the line, she would have ended up crying out loud like Martha, and Kate definitely did not need that right now.

Dr. Martinez closed the chart and spoke. "Kate, Alexis, the best thing for Mr. Castle is to be around those he is familiar with. Why don't I take you to his room?"

The two women stood, gathered their belongings and followed the doctor back towards Castle's room.

As soon as they opened the door, Alexis froze and could not move past the entrance. Kate quickly walked towards his bed. She slowly examined his entire body. He was wearing the mandatory hospital gown. The urgent care nurses had cleaned the blood off his body to the best of their ability, but the signs of hunger and abuse were still visible. He was in dire need of a shower, even though his hair looked wet.

"Speak to him, Kate. Let him know you're here," Dr. Martinez told her.

Kate flashed Dani a smile as the doctor exited the room and said, "I'm going to check if the rest of his labs are done and get his paperwork together before we move him. If you need anything, use the call button." Dr Martinez said goodbye to Alexis with a warm hug before she left the room.

Alexis excused herself, leaving her alone. Kate walked closely towards Castle's right side, near his head. To her surprise, he had only one IV in his left arm and an oxygen tube going to his nose. There was a monitor keeping track of his heart rate, breathing and vital signs.

Kate tried to stop the tears she had been denying for the past hour. One fell from her eye and landed on Castle's cheek. Raising her hand to his face, she swiped the betraying tear from his face.

Quietly, she began to talk. "Dr Martinez said it would help if I talked to you, but I have no idea what to say. I keep expecting to be jarred awake by the baby's cries or one of the boys. But all I know is that if this is indeed a dream, it's one reverie I don't want to wake from. Not if it means you're not really here. But looking at you and not being able to hear your sweet and sometimes annoying voice makes me want to run away and yell at the top of my lungs. What I would not give to hear you say 'our' word."

She ran her fingers through his hair a few times and then slowly brought her fingers down and traced the shell of his ear. Taking his earlobe between her thumb and index finger, she began to run her thumb in a circular motion. She then moved her thumb to caress his cheek.

Curling her hand around his, she whispered, "Castle, can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me." She tightened her hold on his hand, hoping to get the same in return. But his hand remained lifeless.

Kate pulled a chair up to his bed and slowly sat down. She took his hand back into hers and gave him a quick squeeze. Still nothing. The monitor caught her attention for a second: the slow steady pace of his heart rate, the rhythmic sound of his breathing and little change of the numbers on the screen. She sat there, by him, just listening and staring at them all, as in a trance.

Placing his hand back on the bed, she turned his hand over to have his palm exposed. His fingers were curled up towards the ceiling. With her index finger, she began to trace the lines on his palm. Her breathing had calmed, her heart rate relaxed. It was uncanny how he could bring her peace even in his present state.

Soft tears fell from her eyes as she laid her head into his hand. To feel his touch against her skin was too much. The connection, the energy, the electricity between them could never be severed, and that brought her comfort.

"I've missed you," she whispered. "And I never knew how much until right now." She sat with her head in his hand for quite a long time. Her eyes were closed, and if anyone had come into the room, they would have thought she was asleep.

Sitting herself up, she glanced over her shoulder looking for Alexis. No one else was in the room. Turning her attention back to Castle, she just stared at his face. She was longing for him to make a move. Longing for him to connect with her. Longing for him to wake up.

Rising to her feet, she pushed the chair back towards the wall. Leaning down to his ear, she whispered, "Rick, you have to wake up. I need you. We need you, and there's a beautiful little angel waiting at home to meet her dad." Cupping his hand, she intertwined their fingers.

"Hmm, I love when my fingers are entangled in yours. Your skin next to mine, feeling your strength. Your love always comes through with even just the simplest touch."

Kate could no longer deny what her whole body was demanding. Wasn't it Castle that once told her, "The heart wants what the heart wants"? She had an irrational need to be near him in every sense of the word, and since his IV was in the other arm, from what she could tell, nothing stood physically in her way.

Slipping her shoes off, she lifted her knee to the bed, hoisted herself up and slowly lay down beside him. Shifting her weight to lay on her side, she placed her body as close as she could. She moved his arm on top of her back, and placing her head on his chest, she let out a breath she never knew she was holding.

Her left hand was making designs on his chest with her fingers. His heartbeat was echoing loudly in her ear. Again, the tears began to flow.

"Rick, I love you. I love the way my head fits so perfectly on your chest. Whenever you hold me like this, listening to your heartbeat has always made me feel so safe. I feel like nothing can ever hurt me, nothing bad could ever happen to me, because you wouldn't let it. I love you so much. You are, and forever will be my always."

The sudden increase of noise from the monitor caused Kate lift her head and to shift her eyes. Staring at the machine, she tried to decipher what was going on. It wasn't that it was making a lot of noise, but the numbers indicating his heart rate was rapidly increasing.

Fear gripped her own heart as she looked at his face. There was no change. His color was still pale; he still blended in with the white cotton sheets. His eyes were still closed, and there was no movement. The color of his lips were a soft pink, but that was from the kisses she had placed there just moments before.

Her heart skipped a beat. She inhaled deeply and put her ear to his chest. "God, Castle, don't you dare leave me. Please, Rick. I– I can't lose you. Don't go."

The rising of his chest lasted a little longer this time in comparison to all the others. Or was she just imagining it? Kate feared he was dying. No one really knew what he had been through. Dr. Martinez said he had been drugged. Did that bastard overdose him? Was he going to die? No, she wasn't going to let it end like this. He had fought too hard to be with her. She had fought too hard to break that damn wall and finally allow herself some happiness. Together they had fought the impossible to make it work. This was not how it ended.

"Castle, stay with me. I love you, Rick." Her lip quivered and sent the sensation throughout her body.

He let out a breath. She waited for him to inhale again. Terror struck her, and she couldn't bear to look at his face. All of her emotions were surfacing along with another onset of tears. She cried into him. Her body trembled, and she lost her last shred of composure.

Unexpectedly, she heard her name. It was over. He was gone. The nurses were probably going to tell her she had to go so they could perform their duties. But she couldn't let go. Their life was not supposed to be like this. His life was not supposed to end like this.

Again, her name echoed in the room. She waited while she gained her self-control and then raised her self up. Keeping her eyes on the monitor, she still refused to look at him.

Yet, her conscience demanded she look at him one last time. Closing her eyes, she tried to prepare herself for what she was about to see. But how could she ever prepare to see Castle's lifeless face? Opening her hazel eyes she looked at the wall above his head and forced herself to slowly look down.

First to come into view was his hair. It was so much longer– he needed a haircut. Never again would she be able to run her fingers through his hair as she walked past him while he typed at his desk. She never imagined over a year ago would be the last time for her to have the hair at the nape of his neck in her hands as he kissed her.

Then his forehead; there were scars and bruises which she hoped could be covered. A pang hit her heart, reminding her that the wrinkle in his brow, the one that only appeared when he was formulating a crazy story would be gone forever.

And then there were his eyes. She was overcome with thoughts of the twinkle in his eye when he smiled. A blue so bright and vivid that excited her and stirred electricity within her that no man before could ever do. The shade of blue that matched the ocean and was looking back at her.

His eyes were open.

She gasped for air as she exclaimed, "Castle!"

A smile came across his lips, whispering, "Kate."

"Is this possible? You're awake. You're alive." Cupping his face into her hands, she desperately kissed his lips. When she released, she rested her forehead against his, noses touching, and she realized she was crying.

In unison, they both said, "I thought I lost you."

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**Thanks, don't worry, about 4-5 more chapters are still in the works.**


	13. Chapter 13

Castle had been awake for two days. Friends and family pitched in and helped out with the kids so that Kate could be with him at all times. Kate used her phone to video chat with the boys everyday. She told them she was helping a friend and would be home soon. No one told them yet that their father had been found alive.

When he woke, he asked a few questions about the kids and didn't pry for information concerning Johanna's birth. Kate wanted to tell him she decided to honor Martha by using her maiden name as their daughter's middle name. She never told him that she dreamt he was there while she was in labor. When she went to show him a recent picture of the kids, he just said, "Don't." Kate was beginning to feel something was off.

The doctors approved Castle's move to Mt. Sinai hospital, and with this he was closer to home. The drugs in his system had run their course with little damage. His IV had been removed, and it would stay that way as long as he abided by the nutritionist's rules and ate and drank regularly.

He still slept a lot. When he was awake, he attended physical therapy to help him regain his strength. Kate would go with him to therapy and cheer him on. She ate every meal with him. While he was sleeping, she would watch TV, read a book or nap herself. He was given a bed that would accommodate both of them. He was extremely restless when he slept, often waking up, gasping for air. Kate longed to sleep beside him. Even though his bed was big enough for two, the first night she'd spent with him at the hospital, he had been so restless that he ended up slapping her hard during one of his nightmares. She had stepped down from the bed and decided to sleep on the chair from then on. Kate never told Rick about the incident.

On this day, Dr. Anderson, Castle's personal physician, talked to him about therapy. Castle had lost his funny, jovial, bantering personality. Now he was grumpy, hateful, and short with anyone and everyone. Kate knew it was not aimed at her, but he was wearing on her nerves.

"Oh doc, I go every day. The sadistic nurses you have here see to it. I never met anyone so atrocious, brutal or cruel. Not even in _my_ imagination."

"No, no, Rick. I'm talking about psychological therapy. You need to get that started before you can be released. Physically and medically, you're cleared to go home. But psych is a completely different animal…"

"What? Are you saying I'm crazy?"

"Rick, you know I am not saying that. But you have just been through a traumatic event, and while you are surrounded by an excellent support team, you're going to need professional help."

Dr. Anderson didn't even give Rick the chance to object. He continued, "I have already set you up for an appointment with a colleague of mine. Her name is Dr. Tracie Miller, and she will be here at two o'clock. So be on your best behavior, okay?"

Kate suppressed a laugh as she smiled at him before he walked out of the room.

The silence in the room was disturbed by Kate's cell phone. She pulled it from her pocket and smiled at the screen.

"It's Alexis; do you want to talk to her?"

"You do it," he said roughly. He was still fuming from the doctor's remarks. The tiny muscles around his eyes had become rigid. He had so much anger and hatred reflected in his eyes.

Tapping the screen, Kate answered. She spoke with Alexis a few seconds and then walked out of the room. Castle rolled his eyes at her childish move.

When she came back in, he didn't even acknowledge her. She was slipping her phone into her jacket pocket when she asked, "Alexis wanted to know if you felt like visitors."

"Kate, I have told you. I don't want to see anyone." Castle didn't speak much, but whenever he did, he was short and hateful. Kate actually understood and didn't take his comments personally. But she had had just about enough out of him.

"If you would let me finish," she said harshly. Calming her tone, she resumed, "Your mom, dad, and Alexis are taking the boys for lunch. Alexis wanted to stop by and see you. She also suggested that she bring Johanna with her."

Kate missed the baby and agreed when Alexis suggested it might be easier on Castle if he met the baby first, and when the time was right, tell the boys and let them see him.

He grumbled, "Just Alexis." He was afraid to see the baby. He was afraid of himself. He was even afraid of telling anyone he was afraid.

What he had been through he wanted to keep to himself. Doctors were not needed. Help, or "support" as Dr. Anderson called it, was not required. As far as he was concerned, Kate could just go home and go back to the life she had without him. He had fought for his life to be able to come back to his family, but they seemed to be doing all right without him, and he certainly didn't need their pity.

* * *

Kate had snuck out of Castle's hospital room before the sun came up. She just needed to get out. The weather was cool, so she decided to go for a walk and stop for coffee and his favorite muffins. On her way back, she thought once he woke up, they could enjoy breakfast and then go for a walk through the hospital. There was a nice picnic area that had a few porch swings set up. Maybe he would appreciate being in the cool air, having the sun warm his face. She knew the swings would be refreshing.

When she returned, she opened the door carefully. Scanning the room, she saw him lying alone in the bed. A crack of light was sneaking in through the blinds and gently danced across his abdomen. He had one leg out of the blankets.

She had walked from the door to his bed so many times that she knew it was only fifteen steps. Tiptoeing to the small table in the corner, she sat down the coffee cups and the bag of muffins. She had also picked a few dozen muffins for the nurses and left them at the nurse's station. The chipper mood Castle was in extended to the nurses, too. At first he tried to not be hateful, but it rarely lasted long anymore. She knew a dozen muffins weren't going to make up for his foul mood, but she hoped it would help their cause.

She turned to go to the restroom and caught him staring at her. He quickly closed his eyes, and she acted like she didn't see anything. She stepped into the restroom and turned the water on in the sink. Taking a hand towel, she wet it and wiped her face and neck. She could smell Castle on the towel. Bringing the towel to her nose, she inhaled deeply. She didn't want to smell him through a towel. She would rather have him this close to her. Before the accident, every morning, he would give her a hug and kiss after he had gotten dressed for the day. For a few hours, his scent would linger on her skin.

After he woke up in the hospital in Harlem, she lay by his side for a long while. Neither said anything. They both just savored the presence of each other. When the doctors came in to assess him, she reluctantly left his side. She longed for that close contact again.

Hoping he was still "fake" sleeping, she opened the restroom door. She turned off the light before she got the door completely open so that the stark light didn't flood the semi-dim room. Darting her eyes directly to him, she saw he hadn't moved. Watching his chest rise and fall steadily, she thought he just might be asleep. Hmm, sit in the chair and read or climb in bed with him? Her eyes danced back and forth. Removing her jacket, she sat in the chair and kicked off her shoes. A twinge of pain in her toe begged her to lean down. As she rose up, he exhaled deeply. Movement like that signaled he was half asleep. He was lying on his back with his right arm extended out across the bed. His breathing was even, and his eyes fluttered under closed lids.

Quietly, she pulled the blankets back on the bed and slipped in alongside him. She didn't give it much thought and snuggled by his side, resting her head on his out-stretched arm. She brought her hand up and gently stroked his chest, allowing her fingers to lightly dance. A smile brought up the corners of her mouth.

He hummed lightly as he turned his face to her. Softly blinking, he opened his eyes.

"Morning," she whispered.

"Hey," he returned with a smile.

"I went to Magnolia Bakery and got us some muffins."

"That sounds good."

Magnolia Bakery was their favorite place for muffins, cupcakes, and pies. For her birthday, Castle surprised Kate with an apron from there. Fittingly, it had cherries all over it with two big pockets trimmed in red. Kate settled down a little closer to him when he brought his arm behind her and started running his fingers through her hair.

"You cut your hair." He had never mentioned it until now.

"Yeah, I like it being this short. It's so much easier to take care of in the mornings."

"I don't like it. It's too short." And just like that, his foul mood was back. Kate was determined to not dwell on the shift in his mood and to keep her own more cheerful.

"Hmm. No worries. I'll have more time for it now that you're back. I will let it grow back."

"Yeah, I guess." He seemed vague with his responses, but Kate was just grateful he was even speaking to her. Their conversations were typically filled with doctor's reports, physical therapy appointments, and how much he hated the hospital.

He stopped playing with her hair and insisted "Get up."

"What?" she stammered.

"Get up. My arm is asleep and hurts like hell. I don't need another injury or more pain."

Kate sat up. He did too and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He stood and stretched then strolled to the bathroom. Opening the blinds, she smiled as the sun shone in. The warmth of its rays filled the room. This was as close as they would get to home right now, and she was going to do everything to make this as comfortable as possible for both of them.

She went over to the table and took out the muffins. Each muffin was packed in a cute white box with brown lettering. The logo was done in a far too swirly font in a faint green color outlined in the same brown as the lettering. Inside the bag were a few napkins in the bottom. After she placed the napkins on the table, she began to read the labels on the boxes. She wasn't sure what type of muffin he would want but knew she couldn't go wrong with Cappuccino Chocolate Chip and Apple Walnut with Cranberry. Raisin Bran was the one she had bought for herself.

When he came out of the restroom, he joined her at the table. Kate was removing the lids from their coffees and stirring the liquid. She handed him his and advised, "I don't think it's too cold. I can step out and warm it if you want. That head nurse, Alyssa, said there is a microwave I could use in their break room."

He took a sip and swirled the warm liquid in his mouth. Taking another sip, he looked at her and whispered, "It is warm enough, thanks."

She pushed the two boxes with the muffins towards him. She opened her own box after she took a few sips of her own coffee.

"What's this?" he asked, clearly annoyed.

"I wasn't sure which flavor you wanted, so I got two. Figured you can have one now and one later."

She took her muffin out of the box and began to pull the wrapper from the sides. He was reading the labels on his and then pushed them away. Lowering hers to the table, she asked, "What's wrong?"

"I don't want one." He pushed his chair back and went to sit on the bed. He grabbed the TV remote but didn't turn it on.

"You just said muffins sounded great. Do you want me to go out and get you something else? Lord knows you must be tired of having hospital food."

"No, I'm tired of the hospital, period." His foul mood was back. Fighting with the pillows, he was trying to set them behind his back. He got increasingly frustrated and tossed them to the end of the bed.

Yesterday, when Dr. Miller came to see him, Castle requested that he speak to her alone. Kate didn't have a problem with his wish. When she first started seeing Dr. Burke, she didn't tell anyone. She took that time to run home, and get a shower, and a bag with extra clothes. Martha, Jackson, and Alexis had the kids out, so she hurried up and was able to get back to the hospital in record time. She wanted to be with her kids and family, but she didn't want Castle's mood to affect her interaction with them all.

When she got back to his room, Dr. Miller had been gone for about fifteen minutes. Granted, he hadn't been in much of a good mood since he woke from the coma, but it was even worse after each therapy session. Kate knew there was the possibility for things to get worse before it got better, but she never expected his pissy mood would stick around for such a long time.

She turned her chair to face him. Leaning forward, she put her elbows on her knees and laced her fingers. Unlacing them, she brought her hands up and placed her forehead into her fingertips. Small circular motions massaged her head while she closed her eyes and took slow steady breaths. She wasn't sure she could take much more of this.

When she opened her eyes, she looked directly at him. She didn't show any emotion, just calmly stated, "Castle, I wish you would tell me what happened. Nothing you could say would ever make me think less of you. I've been in your place, remember?"

"Why? So I can bring you that hell? Bring you down with me into my own rabbit hole? No!" His voice was elevated, but he knew not to yell. Kate was not the one to blame here. At least that was clear to him.

"You know, we both have darkness in our past. But that's not who we are. And who taught me that? You did." Kate had moved to the bed as she spoke. Tears were flowing from her eyes. There was no way to hide it now. With a shaken voice, she added, "As much as we would like for the past to not exist, it still does. It cannot be forgotten, changed, edited or erased; all we can do is accept it."

He refused to look at her. Anger festered inside his soul. If looks could kill, he would have already killed her 10 times over.

Kate decided to end this now and said, "You can't keep yourself imprisoned like this, Castle. Don't let those demons close in on you."

"Kate, I'm not!" He yelled. Kate was startled and jumped up from the bed.

"The hell you aren't! This is never a good idea. Trust me, I know." Kate stopped and gathered her thoughts. Yelling at each other was not going to help either of them.

"Listen, I know. I did it to myself." Softly, she shared, "All those years ago, you had to scratch and claw your way to get one more inch of me. Don't make me do it in return. Don't punish me to do the same. But be sure I will if I have to. You're worth it."

Quietly, she sat herself on the edge of his bed. "You don't have to bear this burden alone," she whispered. "But neither of us are the person we were before." Sniffling as she took a jagged breath, she kept her eyes on the ground. It was safer to look at her shoes than to face him.

Castle shifted his weight and leaned his back against the bed. She could hear his ragged breathing, which was really more of a huffing now. With her eyes tightly closed, she tried to envision his chest swelling with each inhale. She fought back the desire within her that urged her to climb up his body and lay her head on his chest. It was perfect how her head always fit so snugly in the space between his chin and his chest, allowing her to hear his heartbeat and feel his breathing. It was the perfect place that allowed both of them to calm their nerves.

"You know," she quietly began, "I have had this conversation with myself so many times. I have envisioned what you would say, what you would do, how this would go. But now, I just know it was all a dream." The morning she had planned quickly spiraled out of control.

They sat in unnerving silence for longer than either of them wanted. Castle wanted to scream at her to make her go. To just leave, forget he ever existed. When she finally opened her eyes, she slowly stood. Her feet ached. Her knees hurt. Her hips throbbed. But most of all, she felt a stinging pain in her heart that she had never felt before. There was tightness and aching with each agonizing breath.

As if on cue, she took two steps towards the door and then stopped. Dropping her shoulders, almost in defeat, she whispered. "Just don't take everything that we had and throw it all away. You wouldn't let me, and I will not let you."

Castle had to strain to be able to hear her. She finished walking the rest of the distance to the door. As she reached for the handle his heart sank within his chest. He was relieved when she stopped and turned to face him. She stood a little straighter, looked him directly in the eye and after swallowing hard, clearly spoke, "And you know what, it's not '_what we had_' but '_what we have_.' I am not giving up."

Turning back toward the door, she opened it slowly as he called to her, "Kate, tell me how this will be good again."

Kate let go of the door handle and delicately pushed it closed. She wiped her eyes and nose with the napkin she had in her hand. Turning back towards him, she didn't care if he saw her cry. Walking back to the chair by his bed, she sat herself down. She could feel his eyes on her. He had never stopped staring at her, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him.

When she finally looked at him, his eyes were wide. Once they made eye contact, Kate professed, "Rick, I can't give you what you want."

Thinking back on the letter she discovered after the accident, she stated, "What will it take for us to be good again? Castle, when have we ever not been good? Or worse, you think that right now, in this instance, we're not worthy? Do you think that just because things haven't gone the way you, we, wanted, that you're nothing more than a crumpled up piece of paper?"

"No, Kate. It just seems like there is no way to stop this, to get off this ride." His hands were in his lap, and he looked at them as he said, "I feel like an outcast, like there's no place for me anymore. I'm too messed up."

He tried to speak again, but she spoke first. "For four years, you were by my side. Albeit at first, you were the thorn in my flesh. But over time, you persisted until you became my partner, my friend. And then my lover and husband. Nothing has changed, at least not for me."

She leaned closer to him. Pushing her hair behind her ear, she delicately started telling him, "Because of you, I have learned to speak the truth rather than hide it. You allowed me to hide behind the shadows but were always there to keep a spotlight shining on me. It was overwhelming at first. But together, we let the light shine on both of us, and finally the shadows faded. And I know, you think the only thing holding us in place is nothing more than fear of what's already changed, of you not being able to fit back in. But you're wrong. So, if you want to, go head and keep hiding in the shadows, but know that as long as I live, I won't let you stay there." She looked at him sitting on the bed. He was listening but wouldn't make eye contact.

"Cas, answer me this."Quoting directly from his letter, she avowed, "If love didn't have any challenges, what would be the purpose?"

Castle huffed as he leaned back. He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose with his eyes tightly shut. He let out a loud sigh because he didn't know what else to say. She was right, completely and utterly right. And that pissed him off.

He quietly said, "I don't know how to come back. I feel like I can't escape this."

She shrugged as she reassured, "You just put one foot in front of the other and take my hand. Eventually, the black and white begins to change to color."

She stood and took her jacket from the back of the chair. Slipping her arms in it, she said, "I've gotta go. The kids need me, too. But I will be back." She walked to the door, and this time her mind was completely made up to leave. There was nothing he could say to change her mind and he knew it, so he stayed silent. He wanted to say something, to yell how much he wanted to be back, but words would not be enough this time.

Opening the door, she paused but didn't turn around. She was searching for something to say. Her lip quivered as she rasped out, "All I want to do is take you home, and I want you to want it too."

With that, she left him as she let the door click closed behind her. She had closed that door many times before, but this time, that click sounded so ominous, so final.

She stood straight and gathering the little strength she had left, wrapped her body into her jacket as she stepped onto the elevator. A few tears escaped from her eyes. She brushed them away and fought any others that tried to make an appearance.

It was beginning to rain as Kate stepped out of the hospital. She looked up and wished the raindrops could take away her misery. Her heart was broken; she could not lie to herself any longer about it, but the sorrow and pain would have to find a hiding place because just a few steps ahead, the reason she would fight this until the end, was approaching her with great strides.

Their boys came running toward her with open arms and huge smiles.

They were going to make it. He had fought with everything he had to escape Tyson, and sure as hell she would not let PTSD be his downfall.

* * *

**Thanks for reading "lucky 13." I appreciate all the reviews and PM.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Finally, Alexis gets more of the spotlight... ;)**

* * *

Rain was lightly hitting the windows, making a calming pitter-patter sound. A drop would hit the flat surface and graciously drip down. It had been overcast all day, and finally the clouds were too heavy to keep the rain tucked inside.

Owen had been pacing the hall at the loft for over an hour. He stopped at the end of the hall and looked out the window watching the traffic below. A few umbrellas could be seen moving briskly through the storm. Cabs and cars were driving to and fro, but none stopped in front of the building.

He arrived in New York a week before he was scheduled. Calling Alexis numerous times, he got her voicemail. After calling the hospital and learning she had taken a month of leave, he hopped in a cab and went to the loft.

Nothing better than a cab ride through Manhattan to get your mind in a depressed mood.

She called him the day they found Rick. Ever since they had gotten the news about the plane crash, Owen had understood about the help Kate would need when it came to the kids. At first, they would spend every free minute with the boys, but after Johanna was born, he saw Alexis less and less. Now, she wasn't even working, and she had not told him about it?

He didn't mind that she was there for her siblings, really, but they too were a family, and he wanted her home every once in a while. He traveled often with his job and was beginning to go overseas more now. The night he made her go to dinner with him, he secretly asked Kate to keep Alexis's cell phone, so they could have an uninterrupted conversation. It was actually Kate that suggested and then demanded that Alexis go home the weekend before Castle was found.

The elevator chime signaling it's arrival and imminent stop startled Owen, causing him to quickly turn around. An elderly woman stepped off and smiled at him as she walked away. He let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. Before the doors could shut, he stepped inside and hit the button for the lobby.

As the elevator arrived at his desired floor, he pushed himself off of the back wall of the car. He exited the elevator feeling depressed, contemplating what to do next. He exhaled deeply, shoving his hands into his pockets, preparing himself to step out into the cold rainy air.

"Uncle Owen!" was squealed through out the lobby. Before he had a chance to react, two sets of arms were wrapped around his legs. A set of hazel and another set of blue eyes were smiling up at him.

"Hey, guys. Where have you been?" he asked as he cradled their heads in his hands, running his fingers through their hair.

Jack stood back and explained, "We went with Alexis to the hospital. Her friend is sick, and Mommy is helping take care of him."

James said, "But we got to see Mommy. We had lunch and went for a walk before she had to go. Grams and Granddad went to help with her sick friend. That's one really sick friend," he added with innocence.

Alexis walked up behind them and peeled James from Owen's legs. She leaned over and placed a soft kiss on Owen's cheek. He didn't need to tell her he was angry, she could read it in his body language, which made the scene a lot more awkward between them.

He smiled at her, but it was a forced smile. She was the only adult that had come in with the boys. So there was little to no chance that they were going to get alone time.

James turned to Alexis, "I'm hungry."

"Me, too. Think we should take Uncle Owen upstairs and have a snack?"

Both boys sang out, "Yeah!" as they walked towards the elevator. Alexis reached for Owen's hand, trying to make an unspeakable amend. In front of the elevator doors, James had his arms spread opened and said, "Open sesame!" as Jack pushed the button and the doors instantly opened. In unison they exclaimed, "Cool!" and skipped into the elevator.

Once inside the loft, they all removed their shoes and hung their jackets up in the closet. James hopped immediately into his chair at the table and waited for his snack.

"All right boys," Alexis called. "It's either apples with cinnamon or a banana and peanut butter sandwich. I'm taking orders."

"Banana," called James.

"Apples for me," said Jack. "What about you, Owen?"

Jack had gotten the bottle of juice from the refrigerator and was climbing onto the counter when he asked about Owen's snack choice. Owen rushed up behind Jack and exclaimed, "Hey buddy, get down. Let me get the cups."

Jack rolled his eyes and said, "I do this all the time now, Uncle Owen. Mom even knows."

"And she doesn't like it," confessed James. Nothing like your little brother to rat you out.

Putting his arms around Jack's waist, Owen pulled him down and stood him on the floor. Raising his hands in surrender and walking toward the table, Jack said, "Well, don't forget my cup is the Green Lantern cup."

Owen filled their cups while Alexis finished putting their snacks on a plate. She cut up an extra apple and put it on a plate with peanut butter. Owen instinctively grabbed two bottles of water and joined everyone at the table.

He kept the conversation away from the hospital, not knowing if the boy's knew what was really going on.

After everyone finished eating, Alexis sent the kids to watch a movie in the office. The argued about what they were going to watch before settling on _The Jungle Book._

Owen was waiting on the couch for Alexis as she emerged from the office. She sighed softly and said, "I sure do love those two."

"I can tell. They love you, too."

She meandered quietly towards him and sat on his left. Curling her knees underneath her, reaching her hand out, she stroked his ear.

She stretched her arm out across the back of the couch, laid her head on her bicep, and smiled at him. "How have you been?" she asked peacefully.

The smile he gave her was a little forced, but at least he was trying. He leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees. His left leg was wildly twitching. Bobbing his leg up and down, the cushion was experiencing a small earthquake.

Owen wanted to see Alexis. He wanted her home. But now, the anger about her being away from home was festering inside him, and he couldn't deny that. Running his fingers through his hair, he sat up and said, "So, how's your dad?"

"Hmm, Kate says he's doing better."

"Kate says? Have you not seen him?"

"I saw him briefly. He's not really in the mood to see people right now. He hasn't seen the boys, and they don't know he's alive. Grams has Johanna, and hopefully he will agree to see her soon."

Owen sighed deeply and laid his head back onto the back of the couch. His head hit Alexis's hand, and she ran her fingers through his hair.

"Owen, I know this can't be easy for you, and I just want to thank you for letting me stay here and help Kate and the kids."

Bringing his hand up to his face, Owen squeezed the bridge of his nose. "Do you know when your dad is going to be home?"

"Not really sure. Medically, he can come home. Emotionally, it's a completely a different story. He has been diagnosed with PTSD, and he's going to need therapy. His doctor has set him up with an excellent therapist."

Alexis continued to babble, but Owen's mind was already drifting off. All he heard her say was nothing was going back to normal any time soon. The tension in his lower back was slowly creeping its way up his spine. With every passing second, he felt it make the small, tedious crawl toward his head. Before his head exploded, he had to get the pressure off his chest.

Interrupting her, he fumed, "Alexis! We can't keep going on like this." He quickly rose to his feet, walking about ten feet from her, going towards the windows, thus making their physical separation even more obvious. The rain had let up a little bit. Small droplets hit the windows every few seconds, and the sun tried to peek through the clouds to no avail. Fitting, she thought painfully.

Owen ran his fingers through his hair before he turned around to face Alexis.

The shock on her face was more than obvious. Owen felt bad that he snapped at her. He had never done anything like that to her, but this was his watershed moment. He had to say something. He sat down on the piano bench. Distance, right now he needed distance between them.

"Alexis, I love you. More than you could ever know. And I know when I married you, I married your family. But honey, what about _our_ family? You haven't been home in almost three months. Granted, I have been traveling more with my job, and you being here while I have been gone hasn't been a real problem. But I've been home for almost a week now, and since you're not home and you're not picking up your cellphone, I bet you didn't even know."

Hanging her head, Alexis's hair instantly blocked her view of Owen. She laced her fingers together and inhaled deeply. Lifting her head, she quietly replied, "Owen, I too love you more than you can imagine, but I can't do this. I can't have this conversation or leave Kate just like that."

"No, no, no. I'm not asking you to leave. I know you have taken extended leave from work, and I admire that you have stepped up to help with your brothers and sister. But would it hurt you to acknowledge that you have a husband? Come home every now and then, you know, call often?" Owen's voice was controlled. He didn't want to scare the boys.

Alexis had requested an extended leave of absence from the hospital. It was everyone's hope that Castle would come home and she could care for him medically. But the physical abuse was nothing compared to the mental abuse, which ran much deeper than anyone could imagine.

Alexis was now sobbing into her hands, and Owen's heart just broke. He joined his wife on the couch and took her into his arms. Alexis placed her head on his chest while he ran his fingers through her hair.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "The last thing I wanted to do was make you upset."

"It's not you, it's…everything," she cried. They sat together for a few minutes. Grazing his fingertips up and down her trembling back, Owen tried to comfort Alexis. He could feel her breathing shift from jagged breaths to being more relaxed. She finally sat up, wiping her eyes with the heels of her hands.

"Really, Owen. It's not your fault. I have had to be so strong for the boys. First, Dad is dead. Kate had Johanna and needed me then. We find out Dad is alive, and he refuses to see anyone, let alone Kate. Things have just been really, really emotional, and it's all so overwhelming."

"And to make things worse, here I come, all righteous, I know, and the first thing I do is yell at you. I'm definitely not helping."

Alexis leaned against Owen as they sat in the semi-quiet room. Baloo the Bear was singing about the bare necessities in the office, and his voice was floating through the air into the living room. Owen placed his cheek atop Alexis's head and pulled her closer to him. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of his wife. His mind became flooded with thoughts about the emotional toll the last year must have been on this family. They had welcomed him to it when he married Alexis and since then considered him not "extended family" but just "family." So watching his wife suffer with everything that had happened made him grieve too. He gently wiped a tear from his eye as he turned to look at Alexis. She had drifted off to sleep and he wanted to be nowhere else and to somehow make everything all right for everyone.

* * *

Martha and Jackson had gone out with Alexis and the boys for lunch. Against Castle's wishes, they sent Alexis home with the boys and brought the baby to the hospital. Kate hadn't really seen her in a week. She knew Johanna was in capable hands, but she needed to be with her. Sitting in the hallway of the hospital, Johanna slept peacefully in her mother's arms, completely unaware of the friction around her. Quietly, Kate let a few tears fall before she wiped her cheeks.

Martha placed her hand on Kate's shoulder. She leaned over, placing her forehead on Kate's temple, and in her infinite wisdom, she said, "Oh kiddo. Please don't cry. You're going to make me cry. And we don't want me to ruin my make up. Next thing you know, they'll be reserving me a bed."

Kate gently laughed, turned and smiled at Martha. "Why does he have to be like this?" Kate questioned. "It's like all of a sudden he doesn't have a filter between his brain and his mouth."

"Has he ever?" Martha replied as they both laughed. "Look Katherine, I know my son. He loves you so much, and in his mind, he thinks if he keeps his demons to himself, you won't get hurt. But we both understand it's just the opposite. Now we need to make him understand that."

"I told him he could confide in me, but he refuses," Kate trembled. "I guess I can't complain too much. Years ago, after my shooting, he was so gracious and let me deal with all of the emotions. He never pushed me. He never rushed me. He was just leading the way, waiting for me to take his hand."

She shifted Johanna's weight and placed her on her chest. The sweet smell of the baby's head flooded her nostrils, bringing a small smile.

Kate added, "I owe him the same respect. But you know what, Martha? He wasn't afraid to bring down my walls, and I'll be damned if I am going to sit back and let him put up some of his own to keep me out. He's not going to be alone in this. I am going to follow him and wait for him no matter what. I will scratch and claw my way in."

"Oh kiddo. Richard can be so stubborn. But you, my girl, you can be, too." Martha winked at Kate as she whispered, "He will come back to you. I guarantee it."

* * *

"Rick, think about what you're saying."

"I am thinking."

"Well, you're not thinking clearly; that's for damn sure."

Castle huffed and forcefully leaned back against the hospital bed. Jackson Hunt was sitting across the room, staring disapprovingly at his son. Kate and Martha were in the hall. What Castle didn't know was Kate was sitting in a cold chair, holding their baby wiping tears from her eyes because she had heard everything.

Jackson stood and walked closer to Castle. "Listen son, I spent so many years watching you from a distance," he acknowledged. "And that is something I can't get back and will regret for the rest of my life. But you, you have been given the opportunity to be with your family. The same family you fought so badly to get back to, and for this?"

Castle's fists were clenched tightly. He released his grip and brought his hands up to run his fingers through his hair. Cradling his head into his hands, he exhaled sharply before he snapped, "Who the hell do you think you are? You have some nerve to come in here and tell me how I should live my life. You have no right."

"You know, you're right. I shouldn't have any say or opinion. But I do. Right outside of this door is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to you. You have a woman that is willing to stand by your side no matter what, who will fight for the real you to come back. And from what I understand, neither of you have made this journey easy for the other, at all."

Jackson sat at the end of the bed near Castle's feet. "Like I said, for forty years I watched you. I watched you grow up. I watched you make mistakes and triumph. I watched you become a man and then a father. But you know what I never did? I didn't get to tuck you in at night or take you fishing, or give you advice for prom. I didn't get to be there for you. And I would give anything to change that."

Castle huffed again. He wasn't sure if he was angry at his dad for not being there when he was growing up or for him being here now. Maybe he was mad at himself for knowing his dad was right. It was just too much to take. He shook his head and tried to ignore the pain in his chest. He didn't want his family to experience or go through any more pain and loss because of him. He was not worth it.

"But, Rick, like I said before. I am proud of you. I am proud of the man and the father you have become. Let me help you."

"Help me?" he mocked. "Why? You haven't been here so far, why would you want to be here now?"

"Damn it, Rick! Just stop it!" Jackson argued. "Get off your fucking high horse and let me or Kate help you."

"I don't need your damn help, alright? As far as I'm concerned, you can just leave again and judge me from afar"

"Well, dream on, Richard. I'm not going anywhere and neither is that woman outside your door. So unless you are planning on slipping out during the night, you have no say in this. And the last time I checked, Kate Beckett was the best detective ever to come through the NYPD, so I seriously doubt you would get far. But if you think you're up to the challenge, buddy boy, go ahead."

"The _best_ detective? Seriously? If she is so good, why didn't she find me? Did she even bother to look?" The hatred was almost palpable. His neck veins were about to burst, and he didn't even acknowledge it.

_And there it is_, thought Jackson triumphantly. Castle finally revealed why he was so angry.

"Richard Castle, don't you dare say something like that!" Martha scolded.

Both men ripped their heads toward the door. In the middle of their screaming match, they didn't hear Martha and Kate enter the room.

Kate stood with her mouth agape. Her expression could not hide her shock. She stood dumbfounded and clutched her daughter tighter to her chest. The color had drained from her face. Her eyes darted frantically around the room looking for an escape, but her limbs were not responding. She felt as if the room was spinning and just wanted to run away.

Instead, she quietly turned around and walked out of the room while a new wave of tears treacherously betrayed her hurt.

Martha gritted her teeth and hissed, "What are you waiting for? Go after her!" The narrowing look in her eyes was not one to be argued with.

Castle rose from his bed and walked toward his parents. Glaring, he pointed towards the door and revealed, "Get the hell out of my room. Now!"

"No," Jackson stood his ground and shielding Martha with his body, quietly replied. "We are not going anywhere." He walked over to where the table and chairs were and sat down.

"And if that stubborn head of yours knows what is good for you, you will immediately go after that girl and bring her back," said Martha as she joined Jackson.

"Mother," Castle hissed. But Martha cut him off before he could say anything more.

"Do you seriously think that Katherine would not come looking for you if she remotely thought you were alive?" Castle went to answer; again she stopped him.

"No. You don't get to say anything. You just sit down and listen." Disarmed by his mother's commanding voice, Castle did just as he was instructed.

"That woman went through hell after you were declared dead," Martha began. "Richard you know damn well that she would have gone to hell and back if she even suspected you could have survived that crash. There was no doubt in anybody's mind that you were dead. The evidence said so. She held your sons as they cried over the loss of their father. She stood by Alexis as she worked through the loss. Alone, with only grief as company, she gave birth. That Katherine is one strong woman. Not once did she cry in front of the boys, not once did she break down, not once did she…" Martha's voice trailed off as she began to cry. Blinking away the tears, she found her strength to continue.

"And if you think that for one moment, she thought you were alive and she gave up on you, you don't deserve her. Let her leave and get over you."

Castle admitted defeat to himself when he let out a loud sigh. He looked sideways at his mother with a last sliver of anger in his eyes.

"Listen, kiddo. It's only natural to be angry. But don't direct your anger towards her. She is not the one to blame and neither are you. Let her in. You're damn lucky to have her and your family back."

Martha strolled to the bed and brushed her fingers through Castle's hair. His head was down, refusing to look at his mother. Cupping his face with her hands, she gently pulled his face to hers. Placing a kiss on his forehead, she whispered, "Don't forget you have a baby girl that has never met her daddy. Johanna Rodgers Castle is only a baby, Richard, your baby. And she needs both her parents."

"Wh-What? Rodgers? Her name is…"

"Yes, Richard," Martha smiled. "Now, go."

Castle smiled as he stood to his feet. Wrapping Martha in his arms, he whispered "Thank you," and placed a kiss on her cheek before going in to the hall. He looked in both directions. Nurses were busy going over charts and speaking with the doctors. Around a pillar to his right, he thought he saw Kate's hair. Rushing toward her, his heart began to flutter like butterfly wings. He rounded the corner to discover it's the head nurse, Alyssa. Panicking, his eyes scanned the long hallway. Bouncing from wall to wall to the end of the hall, his eyes searched frantically for her. He turned around to go to the other side of the nurse's station. She _had_ to be here somewhere. Faintly, he thought he heard his name. Turning on his heels, he saw Alyssa approaching him. "Mr. Castle, are you okay?" she asked.

"Um, yeah. I'm looking for Kate. Have you seen her?" He tried unsuccessfully to hide the panic in his voice and in his eyes.

"Yes, sir. She left with the baby a few minutes ago. I asked if she was planning to come back, and she said 'not today'. Is something wrong?"

Castle was instantly hit with the overwhelming urge to vomit. His head was spinning, his brain went blank and he felt as if he had just been punched in the gut. He hung his head, as Alyssa immediately grabbed his arm and led him back to his room. Instead of talking to Kate, he pushed her away. And this time, it might have been his one last time.

* * *

**A/N: Hang in there, our story isn't over... :)**

**Thank you to ever one for your reviews!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Oh my! This chapter... Well, it's late getting posted (I prefer to post in the early AM) and nothing like what was originally written. It ended up being over 5,000 words. Matter of fact, it got cut in half. The betas didn't say anything about crying, so maybe only a warm cup of coffee is needed ;)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Rubbing the same spot on her forehead over and over, Kate wanted to erase what she heard, the searing pain in her chest that was killing her, and if this required the flesh to be gone away, too, so be it. Rushing from Castle's room didn't disturb the baby in her arms. Surprisingly, because of Johanna's peaceful slumber, the feeling extended into Kate as a protective blanket and having a palliative effect persuaded her to remain calm.

At the entrance of the hospital, there were a few benches and a lone rocking chair. She walked to the windows, passing an elderly man that evidently volunteered at the hospital. He was sitting at a popcorn machine, waiting on his latest kernels to pop. He flashed her a gentle smile, and she couldn't resist a smile back.

Once she reached the windows, she debated going outside. She wanted to leave because when it came to fight or flight, it was ingrained in Kate Beckett to run for the hills. But in all the years she had known Castle, he was the one that taught her that running wasn't the best solution.

The elderly man with the popcorn cleared his throat as she turned around.

"Hello, ma'am." Kate just smiled and tipped her head towards the man.

"Looks like the heavens decided the city needed a shower today, huh?"

Really? Did she look like she was in the mood to chat? Anger, yes, that's what she was feeling. Angry and sad with worry and confusion blended in.

Inhaling softly, she said, "It appears that way."

"Want some popcorn? It's fresh." He stretched out his hand with a small bag towards her. There was a small sign on the machine explaining the money went towards the children's hospital and popcorn was a dollar a bag.

No, she didn't want popcorn. She didn't want to be here. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"I'm sorry," she replied. "I don't have any cash with me."

"No, sweetie. I didn't ask that. The popcorn is on me. You look like you could use some cheering up. I don't have much, but I've got popcorn. You can't be sad eating popcorn; that's a universal law."

Kate chuckled and took the popcorn from the man. "There's a rocking chair over there. It's quite comfy. I bet this sweet baby's momma could use some rest." He winked at her and joked, "For a minute or two."

"Thank you," Kate smiled and walked towards the chair as the man smiled.

Sinking deep into the cushions, Kate was surprised at how soft the chair truly was. Without thinking, she instantly began to rock back and forth. Johanna's head was resting quietly between Kate's breasts. The baby let out an audible sigh.

Precariously holding the bag with one hand, Johanna's tush on her forearm, Kate began to munch on the popcorn. She ate about a fourth of the bag before folding the top down and then setting the bag on the floor next to the chair.

She ran her fingers through the little tuft of hair on Johanna's head. When she was born, she had enough hair to cover her head, but it slowly began to fall out. At birth it was a dark brown, and now it had changed to a soft auburn. Johanna had what Kate called "the old man" hairstyle. She had little on top, less on the sides and none on the back except for the patch right above her neck. Jack's hair did the same thing. James didn't really have hair until he was about a year old.

Resting her cheek atop Johanna's head, Kate took a deep breath in. On cue, the baby did the same. Johanna made Kate feel calm and at peace. Ever since she finally made up her mind about him, whenever she was near Castle, he had an unspeakable way of calming her. When she held Johanna, peace flooded her system the same way.

Their moment was disrupted when "Beckett" could be heard from less than a few feet away. Kate looked up to see Javier and Kevin staring down at her.

"Hey guys. What are you doing here?" she asked. The guys had only been to the hospital once since Castle's rescue. She knew they were busy with work and didn't expect them to come everyday. But her detective skills also clued her in that this wasn't a friendly visit.

"I was about to ask you the same," greeted Kevin.

"Umm, I just needed a break from the room," she kindly said.

"How's everything?" Javier questioned. He knew something was up but didn't want to pry.

Kate smirked, "Guys, I know you're not here on a social call. What's up?"

"Umm," Ryan softly began. He looked at the floor and then at her eyes. "We have to question Castle."

"That's fine; I'll take you," Kate replied. She positioned the baby to allow herself to get up from the chair.

"Yeah, but you can't be in there. We need to do it alone," Javier said.

"I understand," Kate stammered. "No problem. Johanna and I will just enjoy the lobby. Give ya what, 20-30 minutes?"

"Sure, that will do," Ryan answered. Kevin and Javier sheepishly smiled at her before they turned and walked away.

* * *

"Castle's room should be around this corner. Yeah, here it is, room 647."

Ryan knocked lightly on the door. He could hear voices coming from inside. Jackson opened the door and called over his shoulder, "Rick, you have visitors." He opened the door and let the guys in. Castle was sitting on his bed, drinking from a white cup. Martha was standing at the end of the bed and joyfully greeted the men.

"Come; sit. It's so great to see you two!" Martha gushed. "Kevin how is your family?"

"They're great, Martha. Thanks for asking." He was standing just inside the door. He didn't want to sit down and felt bad about doing what the redhead has asked of him.

"Javier, do you have any pictures of that new one of yours?" She winked at him. Over the years, Javier and Kevin had become like family to her as much as they were to Castle and Beckett.

"Oh, Mrs. H, he's not so new anymore. Here," Javier reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. "He's almost a year old. Sleeping through the night now and trying really hard to walk."

Ryan cleared his throat and glanced at Esposito. They both knew they had to get this done. No one was going to enjoy it. Castle sat silent and watched the interaction between the four, making mental notes about the guys posture and speech.

Jackson took their hint and announced he and Martha were going to get a snack in the cafeteria. Ryan mentioned that Kate was in the lobby.

"Oh, she's still here?" Martha questioned. Ryan glanced at Espo, there is more to this story that Kate was hiding. But right now wasn't the time to be asking. Martha's tone and facial expression conveyed that everyone thought she had left the hospital, possibly gone home.

They said their goodbyes and went to the table and chairs. Both detectives took a seat. Ryan opened a folder that had a few papers inside and folded the cover back. He sat his phone on top. Castle sat silently the entire time. He hugged his mother and told her good bye. Other than that, he sat and observed everyone around him.

"Umm, Castle, we have to ask you a few questions about your time with Tyson," Ryan said as he looked at his feet. He had questioned some of New York's hardest criminals, but it was different when he personally knew the one "across the table."

"Okay, I've been expecting this," Castle said as he leaned back against the raised bed.

"We were afraid we would have to take you to the precinct, but Gates said we could do it here. Because of your relation to Beckett, you're not a flight risk," Ryan said matter-of-factly. It was easier on his emotions if he treated Castle as anyone else and not his friend.

"Glad to hear she _still_ has little faith in me," Castle said amusingly.

Both men laughed. Ryan set his phone to record the conversation, and Esposito started.

"The door leading to the basement had a lock on the outside of the door. How did Tyson leave the room and the house for that matter?"

Castle leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He was trying to visualize the entire room where he had been held captive as well as the specific area where he has been chained to the wall. That was the problem with being a writer with a vivid imagination. The smell of the room hit his nostrils as a derailed train. It was if the smell had never left. Even after being in the hospital for all this time. _When a life-altering moment occurs, people remember._

Slowly, he opened his eyes, as if being afraid to actually be back there, and stated, "I don't know. I never left the room. Well, only twice, but I don't remember much about it." The guys let him know that through their investigation, they discovered the room at the end of the hall. Tyson must have created an exit so the neighbors would not see him coming and going.

"Are there any murders we don't know about?" asked Ryan. He wanted to sound casual, but his voice was so strained that the result was exactly the opposite.

Castle inhaled deeply. He didn't want to relive anything he had endured. He had tried to hide it all from Beckett, but if he was going to be completely honest, he was mostly trying to hide it from himself. But he knew the guys weren't asking these questions to be spiteful or to hurt him. He was the prime suspect, and the alleged victim of a major crime. It was their job.

"There was a young girl he stalked, but I am not sure if he killed her. One night though, I do remember waking up to odd noises coming from the floor above me. I'm pretty sure it was Tyson. He was having sex. But I was somehow able to plug my ears and then passed out again."

Javier looked at Ryan as he took notes, and then asked, "Was Tyson acting alone?

"As far as I know. I never saw anyone else or heard him talking to anyone else. But it wasn't like he was hosting dinner parties right there."

Nodding along as he wrote, without looking up, Ryan asked, "How did you manage to unbind yourself?"

Castle chuckled before answering, "I just got lucky. I had been bound for so long that I stopped trying to find weak points in his plan, and in the end I even stopped trying to escape. For the longest time, I tried to get those damn ropes off my hands and feet every single day. But it was like Tyson had cameras or some sick sixth sense. He would come from literally out of no where every time I made a move and punch me or kick me." Castle's voice softened and trailed off. It was enough.

They didn't need to know anymore.

"Why did you kill Tyson?" Esposito straight-out asked.

"Seriously?" Castle partially glared at them. "Come on, guys,"

Looking at each other, Ryan interjected, "Castle, you know it is just procedure, we _have_ to ask."

Rolling his eyes, he gritted his teeth and uttered, "Well, let me see. I had managed to survive a plane crash, then remain the captive of a psychopath, and in a stroke of genius, figured this was the best chance to cross off murder from my bucket list."

Both detectives stifled a laugh, and Javier continued, "Did Tyson abuse you physically and/or mentally?"

"The abuse was more physical than mental," Castle began. He was looking away from the guys and speaking softly as he recalled. "He kept me tied up all the time. Whenever I tried to escape, he would use me as a punching bag." Looking at Ryan, he asked, "But do I really have to go over this again? Can't you just look at the doctor reports?"

Ryan flipped over the page of his notes and began another line as he questioned, "Did you know Tyson was impersonating you by using your phone?"

Castle shook his head and looked at Ryan with perplexity. "No," he stammered. "I never knew it was my phone until I found it in the bag right before I called you."

Javier tried another angle. "Did you know he kept your phone charged and working? Why didn't you use it to contact authorities?"

Castle sighed in frustration. "Like I said, I didn't know. I was able to use no more than 50 feet of that entire room. He watched me constantly. On the nights he went out, he drugged me so I passed out. He drugged me regardless. At first, I fought it, but I quickly realized being asleep was for the best. It helped me heal. I don't know why he didn't kill me, and sometimes I even wished he had."

Ryan looked warily at Esposito. Neither needed to express that this was more emotionally draining than they had anticipated. Ryan shut off his phone and returned the cover of the folder to its place.

Ryan leaned forward and placed his head into his hands. So badly he wanted to end this right now, but he knew it had to be done. So he took a deep breath and sat upright. He looked Castle in the eye and began, "Listen, man. We have to give our reports to the DA. I'm not sure how this is going to go. We know that killing Tyson was in self-defense. But, geez, this is definitely a case where I don't want any screw ups."

"Ryan, it's okay," Castle said. "I know how procedure and protocol work. Neither of you are going to throw me under the bus. No worries. Seriously."

Kevin smiled lightly and nodded before whispering, "Yeah, no worries."

They both stood into the awkward silence that filled the room. They couldn't exactly ask about the kids, work or Kate during the interrogation. "_How's everything going?"_ seemed redundant. Javier broke the awkwardness with, "Well, knowing how much you love to help with paperwork, we better get back to the precinct and get started on it."

Ryan turned to gather the folder and his phone. He studied it for a moment before he slipped it into his pocket. He tapped Esposito with his elbow stating, "Captain called and texted. We're needed at a scene about five blocks from here."

"Alright," turning toward Castle he said, "Take care, man. We'll be in touch. Do you need anything?"

Castle smiled and said, "No, nothing I can think of."

He lowered his head and softly spoke, "Hey guys. Umm – thanks for, well, everything. I know none of this could have been easy for anyone, much less Kate." He sighed, mesmerized by the movements of his own hands, then stammered, "I thought I would never come back to my family. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that you were by Kate's side. Knowing that my wife, my kids, even my mother and father were being taken care of. You are all my family. You were their support system, and for that I can never repay you

"Hey," interrupted Ryan. "No, no need to apologize or thank us. We'll always be there for each other. It's what a family does." He smiled at Castle. For the first time since they had walked into the room, a genuine smile came across Castle's lips.

Castle stood from the bed and extended his hand to each detective. Instead of a simple handshake, they each gave him a hug. Ryan hugged him so tightly he almost knocked Castle over. There was a soft knock on the door. Esposito stepped over to answer the door. He made an audible gasp as he recognized the face looking back at him. Pulling the door completely open, Espo exclaimed, "Demming. What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Esposito. Um– I came by to ask Castle some questions about that robbery."

"Ah, okay. We were just about to leave, but do you mind if we sit in for a few minutes?"

Demming looked around the room before nodding, "Sure. I won't be here long anyway."

As Demming walked in, Ryan moved back to the table and chairs to make room. Esposito went to the other side of Castle's bed and leaned against the window ledge. Castle gave Demming an irritated look. Batting his eyes slowly, he just stared. He didn't move, didn't say anything, and just gave him a cold, blank stare.

The sudden tension in the air was palpable. Demming and Castle were never best of friends. This was certainly going to be awkward.

Demming opened a small notebook he pulled from the inside pocket of his jacket. He focused on the empty page before him as Castle sat on the edge of the bed. His attitude had been improving, but all his manners were used up with Ryan and Esposito.

"Look, I'm kinda tired. Do we have to do this?" Castle grunted.

Snapping his eyes up, Demming looked at the frail man before him. Castle had put on some weight, but the paleness of his skin was still evident. His eyes had finally begun to reclaim the gorgeous hue of blue they once encompassed.

"Yeah," Tom stammered. "But, I'll try to be brief. It's only a few questions. First, if you were kept bound in the house in Harlem, how did your blood get into the apartment in the upper west side?"

Irritated, Castle began, "One night, Tyson took me with him." He looked over at Ryan and said, "This day we left from the stairs and out the back door. I really think he had planned to kill me that night. See, we went to the river, and out of nowhere, this couple comes walking by. A young blond followed them. I don't think she was with them. She was just jogging. He followed her, and she went into that building. Two nights later, he made me go with him as he stalked her. He waited outside of her apartment for her to leave. Once she did, he went in and made a diagram of the place. I knew it was the only chance I had to send a message I was alive."

"Good thinking," Demming said with hesitation. "Why didn't you run then?"

"He had a gun! And he also fashioned this belt, which went around my waist and sent an electric charge whenever he pushed that damned button. Granted, he only had me wear it that one time, the first time we went out. But trust me, once was enough. After the apartment raid, I never went out with him again."

Ryan's phone buzzed. He motioned to Esposito, "Dude, we gotta go. They're waiting for us at the crime scene."

"Oh, that's right," Esposito said as he pushed himself up from the wall. They both said their goodbyes to Castle before they left. Demming said he just had a few more questions about the robbery and would be leaving soon.

After the guys stepped out into the hall and closed the door, Castle insisted, "Listen, Demming, I don't know anything about a robbery. That's not Tyson's MO."

Demming walked over to the table and leaned against it. "In all honesty, I don't have any more questions for you. I just had to come see for myself that you are alive."

"I'm touched," Castle replied with sarcasm.

"Hmm, is that all?"

"Let's cut to the chase. What do you want from me?"

"Nothing." Demming quietly said. "Nothing at all."

Staring at the floor, Tom shook his head and let out a soft chuckle. "I can't believe I am about to say this. But do you realize how lucky you are to have Kate?"

Castle rolled his eyes. He had already heard this song and dance from his mother, his father, his daughter and the boys. And now Demming wanted to come in here and "remind" him. Again.

If this were a chapter in a book, he could title it _Lucky Beckett_.

"Listen," Demming says. "I had her once, and I lost her. I know what that feels like. That is still one of the biggest regrets of my life. One, I let her go. And two, I didn't try at all to get her back. Even back then, I knew she was in love with you, and I was certain you were in love with her. I'm grateful for the little time we had and for the hopes she inspired within me. But I wonder if she ever realized that she lost someone who loved her?" Tom had decided to let everything out and really didn't care if he made Rick angry.

"It should not come as a surprise that I think of her everyday. All I have left are memories and her picture in a frame. But you, God, you have _her_. You have her by your side, can have her in your arms, and you smug son of a bitch, you have _all of her heart_. I know, before, you have said she is extraordinary; just don't you ever forget it or let that slip from your mind."

Tom pushed himself away from the table. Walking towards the door, he called over his shoulder, "But hey, thanks for the information about the bloody sock."

Castle wanted to give him a piece of his mind, but Demming was gone before he could get a word out.

His parents said they were going to the cafeteria. Martha was shocked, just as Castle was, to learn Kate was still in the hospital. He really thought she would run, that he had finally driven her away. And then, it hit him. There is only one thing he needs to get done today.

He had to find her.

He hurried into the hallway and rushed toward the elevator. As he rounded the corner, he ran into Alyssa, the head nurse.

"Ah, Mr. Castle. It's so good to see you up and about," she said cheerfully.

"Yes, er, I'm going for… um, a quick walk. I'll be back soon." He didn't need this nurse knowing his every move, but figured some information was better than none. She seemed pleased with his response and went about her business.

Remembering that the boys said they saw her downstairs, he pressed the button for the elevator and smiled at the promptly opening doors. Stepping on, he turned and punched the button for the lobby. Silently praying Kate hadn't gone home, yet.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Okay, okay, here's some much needed fluff and a little less angst ;)**

* * *

The elevator doors opened, and he was suddenly overcome with all the things happening outside. A man was pushing someone who Castle assumed was his mother in a wheel chair. There was a small child holding the old woman's hand and pointed out the various art paintings hanging on the walls. Castle stepped around them and went toward the entrance of the hospital. There's a glassed-in outdoor area in the center of the lobby. He passed the old man with the popcorn and couldn't stop the glorious smell of the freshly popped kernels and melted butter from coming directly to his nostrils, instantly reminding him of "movie night" at the loft. But once he reached the doors, he was brought back to reality by the fact that Kate is nowhere to be found.

A young couple sat in the chairs against the wall. Two teenage girls giggled as they got up from another set of chairs. With panic slowly rising from his stomach, he scanned the room one last time and concluded that she has gone home. Can he really blame her? He pushed her away. She heard the stupid and hurtful things he said about her. Richard Castle slowly faded into the crowd as he shuffled back to the elevator. He was definitely not the same man. His own ego and selfishness had made him push away the best thing that ever happened to him.

Taking him out of his reverie, the elevator chimed, stopping at the floor. A woman with a large bouquet of balloons was also waiting for the elevator.

She looked at him, and her eyes grew wide. Turning around to the doors again, she shook her head in disbelief and then looked back at Castle. He never even looked at her. Thoughts of the day echoed through his mind, tormenting him again. Delicately, she put her hand on his forearm, breaking his concentration.

Startled, he looked into a pair of happy green eyes. He didn't recognize her, but something in her smile made him smile.

"Excuse me," she chimed. "But are you Richard Castle? I mean, I thought I read he died a few months ago, but you look just like him."

Rick laughed, "Um, no. I get that a lot. But I'm not him. Trust me, I wish I could be that man, but I'm afraid amongst other things, my bank account too proves I'm not him."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to bother you." Luckily, the elevator opened its doors at that precise moment. The young lady stepped in, and turning to face him, she said, "What floor?"

Castle stood motionless. He didn't want to get on the elevator having just lied to her.

"Um," he stammered. "Never mind. I'm going to just stay here. I'm waiting on my brother. Thanks, though."

"Okay," she empathized. "Have a good day."

He awkwardly waved and smiled to her as the doors closed.

"Brother, huh?" a voice said to his left.

Ripping his head around, he looked right into the hazel eyes he had been frantically searching for. "Uh, you heard that?" he replied, embarrassed.

"Yeah. I think you need to work on what you actually want and don't want me to hear." Kate said with a stone face.

"No! No, Kate. It's not like that. She asked if I was me, and I didn't want to tell the story again, so I lied."

"Oh," Kate said in her singsongy and judgmental voice. He knew then she wasn't really mad.

"I understand. Geez, I'm joking." She walked past him, looked over her shoulder and said, "Come on, follow me."

Had this been any other occasion, he would have been so turned on. He could remember those four words like yesterday…_"You have no idea!"_

She took him to the outdoor area in the center of the lobby. The sun was shining and the air was beginning to cool. She stepped up onto the deck that reminded him of the floor of a merry-go-round, surrounded by porch swings. There was an empty porch swing across from where they entered.

Kate still had Johanna. The baby was taking a marathon nap, but Kate doesn't care. Carefully, she lowered herself onto the swing. The blanket she has Johanna covered with was beginning to fall. Bunching it in her hand, she covered the baby's head as Castle joined her. He sat with about a foot of space between them. He began the rhythm of the back and forth motion of the swing.

They sat on the swing and talk. First it's just small talk. Kate teased him about lying to the girl at the elevator. But they both agree that announcing his sudden resurrection would best be handled by Paula. She told him that she saw his parents in the cafeteria and the hospital has the best peanut butter cookies she had ever tasted. His parents decided to go back to the loft an hour ago, and she planned to join them for dinner.

His foul mood isn't as bad today as it's been in the past. For that at least, Kate is grateful. Baby steps, she thinks, baby steps. Johanna let out an audible sigh, and Kate smiled at her baby.

Kate shifted her weight so that she was facing Castle. Holding the baby with her left arm, she stretched her right to stroke his shoulder. They sat in silence for a few minutes before she dared to say, "Castle, can I tell you something?"

"Um, yeah," he replied hesitantly.

"Before I gave in and listened to my heart, did you ever realize that every time I tried to make a move with you, it blew up in my face." She inhaled deeply and continued, "I just don't think I can handle that type of rejection right now. Any shred of strength I have is fragile strength."

Confused, he asked, "What do you mean?"

"That summer you invited me to the Hamptons with you, 'No funny business' you said, 'just a friendly weekend,' and how that case ended; I was so close to telling you how I really felt, and then Gina showed up. All I could do was watch you two leave, going there together instead.

"Then in LA, that night in the hotel room, because of your words, I could barely contain myself. So I walked away from temptation and had gone to my room, closing the door. But once inside, I thought about everything. I thought about us, and I changed my mind. By the time I stepped out, you had already gone to your room. I was so sure you would come after me. It took everything within me to not run across that living room to your door. For the first time, I doubted my resolve, my own feelings and myself. I couldn't risk another goodbye."

Taking a deep breath, she broke her stare from his eyes. He bit his bottom lip and she shifted down her tone. "I was just torn apart. The evening I went to face Maddox, I thought everything was lost. We had that fight, and I didn't have anything else to look forward to. You took your stand, and I thought I had lost you forever."

She took a few jagged breaths, and he sat there in silence. Castle was always a man with words. But not today, not at this time, he sat motionless and let her take control of the conversation, listening to her thoughts, her concerns and her heartbreak.

"I've never envisioned myself as the princess type that was going to have my prince charming show up on a white horse, sweep me off my feet, and fulfill that fairytale. But you opened my eyes to that magic. You made me yearn for it"

She stopped caressing his shoulder and began to pat the baby. "Regardless of what life has brought me or where it has taken me, something always brings me back to you. That terrible day, what we thought would be our last conversation, you told me to go on with my life. There was no way I could. Castle, I could never let you go. For me, there's no life without you. I always felt that you were here. I can't explain it."

"You don't have to," he says with compassion. "I understand, and I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" she asks with a quizzical look on her face.

"Because Kate, I've been a complete ass. But, I don't know. I can't change over night. There's still something deep inside me that doesn't know how to go on. The only thing I really know is I'm not ready to come home."

"Castle, that's fine. At least you know what you want, what you need. I would never pressure you." She reached her hand out and took his. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll wait. For as long as it takes."

He smiles up at her and whispers, "Thank you."

She wants to say it so badly. But she doesn't know if it's the right time. So she only mouths the word while turning her head towards the baby… "_Always_."

Again, as if on cue, they're surrounded by the sounds of the city, filling the silence. She squeezes his hand and lets go of her grip. He frowned and misses her touch instantly.

"One more question," she expressed.

"Yeah, what's that?" She let go of his hand and all he can think to do is run it through his hair.

"It's kind of the elephant in the room," she says with a soft chuckle.

With a wrinkled brow, he just looked at her.

She smiled and said, "Would you like to meet your daughter?"

"First, I have to tell you something." The words come tumbling out of his mouth.

Kate slumped a little and nodded in agreement.

"I know you overheard my dad and I fighting," he said softly.

"Yeah." She won't look at him as she quietly replied. Her fingers delicately pick at the fuzz balls on the baby blanket.

"Well, this is what we were fighting about. That I didn't want to see the kids." There is hesitation in his voice.

Looking at the ground as it gently glides by, Kate whispers, "Yeah, I've noticed. Why not?" She's so afraid of his answer, but she has to know.

"I don't want them to see me like this. It's bad enough the baby doesn't even know me, but the boys…" His voice trailed off as he brought his hands up to his face. Using the heel of his hands, he wiped his eyes. He rubbed rather harshly, trying to keep Kate from seeing the tears he's wiped away.

He forced himself to say, "It's hard to see your heroes fall." Over come with emotion, he can't contain the treacherous tears inside him anymore, and they start to fall freely.

Kate finally lets a faded smile show as she scoots closer to him. She placed her arm around his shoulder. "Castle, we've taught them to love unconditionally. They don't see skin color, faith or things like that. They see you. No matter what you do, YOU will always be their hero because you are their daddy. And you should be proud of that."

With her words, Castle was able to stop the tears. He looked at Kate and smiled a weak smile. But she knows he is digging deep within himself to find who he is. Nothing will ever be the same or the way it was before. But she knows somewhere deep inside himself; part of the old Castle is there.

She returned with a mischievous smile before stating, "You know if anyone has any reason to be sad or nervous, it's me."

He opened his eyes wide, but before he can ask why, she says, "Because of you, I have more to live up to; now you are a _true_ super hero. _You_ rose from the dead. How does a girl compete with that?"

They both let out a soft chuckle. He leaned over and for the first time since he's been back, he kissed Kate's forehead. His lips are soft against her skin. She closed her eyes, wishing for more, but for now, accepting what he is giving.

He points to Johanna and said, "If I've learned something over the years, it's never a good idea to keep a lady waiting. So, no time like the present."

They are sitting in the shade. The rush of the wind was blocked by the buildings and reduced to a gentle breeze. So there's no real reason to keep her covered. Kate delicately removed the blanket from Johanna's head.

"Wait!" He exclaimed. "Um, I'm not ready to hold her. Please don't be mad. I'll look, but I'm just not…I want the first time to be…not like this." His voice trails off. Again, Kate reached for his hand.

"Castle, you know I am a woman of my word. I told you the only way to do this, is to take my hand and then put one foot in front of the other. Baby steps. Besides, she seems pretty comfortable right here. And with Jack we sure learned our lesson about waking a sleeping baby."

"We?" he questioned. "No, no, no." He said playfully. "_YOU_ learned your lesson. I told you not to move him, and what happened? He screamed for four hours." They laughed as he retold the story as if she wasn't there when it happened.

Giving him a playful disapproving glare through her lashes, she asked, "Are you done? I think this meeting is long over due."

He suppressed a laugh and agreed. Kate removed the blanket, and Castle let out a clear gasp. Kate quickly turned to look at him as he wiped tears from his eyes.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah. Yeah I am. It's just, she's so pretty."

"Well, thanks. I like to believe I had a bit of a hand in that department." She winked at him.

He smiled. "Yeah, she's all you. I really am one lucky guy." Swinging back and forth, he sat in awe and stared at Johanna.

When he finally looked at Kate, he had the biggest grin. "It's like the first time I saw Alexis, Jack and James, that same lightening." He pointed at the baby. "This. This is true love."

Kate smiled at him as he said, "Again, my life has changed forever. I was so afraid I wouldn't feel the same."

They sat on the swing for another thirty minutes while Kate answered Castle's questions about her pregnancy, Johanna's birth and the baby's personality.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: I tried to add some humor because of all of the angst. But the beta reported tears. Actually, sobbing.**

* * *

This definitely wasn't going the way he had hoped it would.

"You care or you wouldn't be behaving this way," she spat.

"No! No. That– that's where you are wrong. I care. But not the way you think I do," he argued.

"Well, why don't you enlighten me on how you care and how I think?" Dr. Tracie Miller was the perfect therapist for Richard Castle. She was a straight-laced, take-no-flack woman. No matter what line he tried to sell her, she saw right through it. Castle knew she would never be one he would want to play against in a game of poker or "Bullshit."

He huffed before he grumbled, "Did you know sometimes I just want to punch you? And I'm not a violent person."

Tracie sat across from him at the table in his room. The remnants of breakfast were still on the table. She had been seeing him once a day for the past three weeks. The day before, she told him that she was increasing his therapy, so she could send him home—the place he needed to be to actually get better. Instead of coming once a day, she was seeing him twice. Castle would have been satisfied with never.

She stared at him waiting for him to continue. A staring contest was another game he would steer clear from if it ever involved her. He thought Kate knew how to flash "the look," but she had nothing on this sadistic woman. Okay, so sadistic wasn't the best choice of words. But why did she have to push him so hard?

Leaning back at an angle in her chair, Dr. Miller put her left arm on the chair back before calmly saying, "I'm waiting."

"Right, well, um. Why does Kate need to know what I went through?" he asked defensively.

"Tell me why you think she shouldn't?" the doctor fired back.

"Because, I'm the one who was there, and it's over now. She wasn't there, I sure as hell don't want to go back and she doesn't need to know." Rick really did care for Kate, but he knew she wasn't going to back down. He had told her that a year after they met. Her tenacity was one of the many reasons he fell for her.

"Rick, I'm not asking you to write her a book with illustrated pictures. But she doesn't deserve to be shut out, either. You can tell her as much as you want. She's an ex-cop. She's probably seen worse. But before you say anything, you're right. Those were strangers. But what I have learned about Kate, she still is somewhat attached to the victims from her cases." Dr Miller was always thinking one step ahead of Rick.

She went on to continue, "Just because she is retired and isn't an active homicide detective or FBI agent, you can't take the law out of the girl."

And here she was again, proving a very valid point he already knew was absolutely correct, and yet he was trying to devise reasons as to why it could be wrong.

Leaning forward onto the table, she continued, "You told me, or should I say, let it slip, that one of the things that irritated you the most was when Kate held secrets from you. Is that why you are doing this to her, while hiding behind a cloak of protection?"

"What? Are your eggs scrambled? No, I just want to protect her, to protect Alexis, Jack, James and Hanna." When Castle did finally meet the baby, he shortened her name to Hanna. He had no real reason, just said it fit her.

"Okay, Rick, I get that. But she doesn't need you to protect her, and together, you can protect your children. She can help you heal. They found you, what, three weeks ago, and your sons don't even know you're alive. Think about that for a moment. You know what it is like for a little kid to live without a father."

Tracie started to gather up her pen and notepad. She slid them into her leather bag and then sat back, clearly waiting on him.

Tears welled up in his eyes. She was right. Again. He spent all of his childhood, adolescence and most of his adult life without his father. While he had unique ways of dealing with the stress, it was easier because he never met Jackson. But this was not the case for Jack and James.

Using the heel of his hand, he wiped his eyes before the tears made too much of an appearance. Castle couldn't speak, but the agreeing nod he gave to Dr. Miller spoke more than enough for her.

They stood, and she reached over, touching his arm. As she picked up her bag and placed it on her shoulder, she said softly, "I think I know what you're going to do. You have my card and my number if you need me."

Castle raised his arms and took the doctor into an unexpected hug. It didn't last long but spoke plenty.

Tracie smiled as she walked towards the door and a light knock met her.

"Oh, look, you have a visitor," Tracie called over her shoulder.

When she opened the door, Kate stood with half-smile.

"Hello, Kate. I was just leaving."

"Hi, Dr Miller. I'm not interrupting, am I? Because I can come back."

"No, don't be silly. I'm all done for today. It was a good day," she winked at Kate. Turing to Castle, she bossed, "Now, you two enjoy the rest of it. I have a little fur-baby to get home to. I'll talk to you later, Richard."

With that, she turned around and left. The nurse at the station could still see Tracie's smile as she walked by.

Kate stood just inside the door, unsure what mood Castle was in. Although his therapy was increasing, his mood rarely disclosed any improvement.

He had moved and was sitting in his usual spot on the bed. He motioned for her to come closer. As she began to walk to him, he whispered, "Sit."

Great, he was using one-word sentences that were more like commands. This was not going to go well. Kate did as he asked and sat at the foot of the bed.

Wringing his hands, Castle began, "I have something I need to tell you."

Kate nodded and said, "Mmm-hmm."

"Tracie thinks, and so do I, that I need to stop protecting you. I'm so afraid that if I open up to you, my secrets will become your reality. I've allowed them to shelter me far too long."

Still unsure of where this was going, Kate wearily nodded and said, "Okay."

"Although, I'm not sure how to, and she says she will help me. But I have to know, are you okay with that?"

"Rick, you're being a little vague, but I'll do anything to help you."

"Great, because there is one thing I really need you to do."

"Name it."

He smiled a huge smile and reached for Kate's hand. "Kate, take me home. I wanna go home."

* * *

Damn the sunlight. Why does it have to barge into her bedroom and permanently plant itself on Kate's eyes? She groans as she turns her head away from the light. Against her will, her eye lids flutter open. She stares at the empty side of the bed. Her heart twinges, and her stomach drops. Soon, she lies to herself.

The day before, Castle told her he wanted to come home. Together they decided to talk to Dr Miller. Castle thought it might be a good idea to have her there when Kate told the boys he was alive. Kate called Dr. Miller that afternoon, and she agreed with their decision and then cleared her schedule for the next morning.

_"This chair can't be comfortable to sleep in," Castle said once Kate told him the next day's plan._

_Kate just shrugged her shoulders and wrinkled her nose. She opened her mouth to explain, and he said, "Come here." He was sitting on the edge of the bed. As she walked closer to him, he pulled her to him. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he murmured, "Go home."_

_"What?"_

_"Seriously, go home. Get some real rest. Hang out with the kids and come back tomorrow."_

_Hesitantly, she said, "Castle, are you trying to get rid of me?"_

_They talked about it, and she spent that night at home. But Kate had no idea it was going to be the night from hell. _

Jack and James would not leave her side. They missed her so much; each boy held her hand, or her arm, and clamored over who got which side when she sat on the couch. As she made dinner, neither was more than two feet away. Jack helped with dinner while James entertained Johanna. She was touched with their love and concern but frightened because she knew their little worlds were going to be rocked once again. It bothered her that she had control over it this time, and she almost felt like a monster for keeping it from them.

Jack knew something was bothering her. Kate had just placed a bowl of cherry tomatoes on the counter. Jack stood on a stool and tore lettuce as he dropped it into a large wooden bowl. James was singing a made-up song, and Johanna just stared at him. If she could, Johanna would probably roll her eyes at her brother.

Tearing the last leaf, James asked, "Mom, are the tomatoes going in the salad?"

"Yes, baby, they are." She smiled at him then gently ran her fingers through his hair.

Popping one in his mouth, he took a few in his hand and gently dropped them around the inside of the bowl. His brother's made-up song had a catchy tune, and Jack bopped his head from side to side.

It was just the four of them tonight. Alexis had gone home for some much needed time with Owen. Martha and Jackson offered to stay for dinner, but Kate politely refused. She needed this as much as the boys. They ate dinner then did the dishes together. Kate bathed the boys and then got ready to read them a few stories before they went to bed.

Johanna was lying on Jack's bed, next to Kate as she rubbed lotion on his warm body. James was attempting to put socks on. As Kate finished with Jack, she rubbed the excess lotion into her hands. James picked up the small stack of books from his bed, flipped through them and settled on the next to last one.

"Mommy, can we read this one?" He handed her a much loved and worn book. It was a book that Alexis had a small child and passed down to the boys. Castle read it to Alexis and then to both boys from the time Kate's abdomen began to swell with their new life.

Everyone snuggled tightly together on Jack's bed. Kate sat between the boys, and Jack held Johanna. The baby drifted off to sleep while James nodded and desperately tried to keep his eyes open. He finally nodded off as she finished the last page.

Closing the book, Jack placed his head on Kate's upper arm. She leaned her head down and kissed the top of his. He turned and smiled up at her. The loft was completely quiet. All of the lights were out except a small lamp on the bedside table, providing a soft glow.

They sat in silence before Jack shifted his weight and lifted his head from Kate's arm.

"Do you want me to take your sister?" she asked softly.

"No, I like holding her," he whispered as he patted the baby.

"Yeah, buddy, I know. But she's not your responsibility."

"She's okay, Mom," he sweetly reassured her.

Kate leaned her head back and let out a soft sigh. Softly, Jack purred, "Mom?"

Kate didn't move, she just answered, "Yeah, bud."

"Can I ask you a question?"

She lifted her head and opened her eyes. Looking into his, she soothed, "Anything, anytime."

"Good." He stammered, "This may seem odd. But does heaven have a phone?"

Well, she surely wasn't expecting this. She tried to hide the shock in her voice. "Um, good question. But no, baby, heaven doesn't have a phone. Why do you ask?"

Jack looked down at Johanna's head. Kate knew he was trying to gather the courage to finish his thoughts. "Um, well, I wish it did. Because if it did, I'd call."

He stopped abruptly and against her own desire, she nudged him more.

"Really? Well, it would be nice if heaven had a phone. We could call and talk to all kinds of people. Like, you could talk to George Washington about becoming the first president. Or ask God why the giraffe's neck is so long."

Jack giggled and rolled his eyes at Kate. "Mom, you're too funny."

She bumped him with her shoulder and smiled. The mood became quiet and subdued quickly. Jack diverted his attention again. Kate could feel the weight of the world on the boy's shoulders. It pained her to see her son like this. He was just like her. He carried his emotions neatly compartmentalized in a box and rarely let them show. He had to digest everything before he voiced his concerns or made any decision.

"Mom, I miss Dad," he finally blurted out. "I wish I could hear his voice, or sit in his lap and feel his hugs while he reads to me. I don't feel him here anymore." He was tapping his chest as he spoke. A solitary tear trickled down his cheek.

Kate wrapped her arm around him and held him close. Jack cried very little at Castle's funeral and in the days after. Many said it was his young age and that he didn't really comprehend what was going on. But Kate knew better. He understood. He knew.

She held him as they cried together. Her heart wanted to tell him the truth. But the impact of her statement would cause a domino effect that she wasn't prepared to deal with. Dr Miller said it was best that they waited to tell the boys until shortly before they saw Castle, if they agreed to.

She tried to mentally prepare Kate and Rick in case one or both may not want to see Castle. And if that were the case, she would work with everyone until his death and reappearance was processed.

Jack sobbed quietly, taking jagged breaths and allowing his shoulders to shudder. Kate just held him. She knew there was nothing to say to ease his broken heart. All she could do is be there for him.

Within a few minutes, his breathing became steadier, and his body stopped trembling. The entire time, Johanna never moved. Kate looked back at Jack's face and found he was in a deep sleep.

She kissed his head and scooted herself down the bed. Rising to her feet, she heard James say something with slurred speech. He'd always been a talker and a measly thing like sleep had never stopped him. Sliding her arms under his knees and neck, she scooped him into her arms. She carried him a few feet over to his own bed. Pulling back the covers, she slipped his tiny body onto the sheet and skillfully placed his head on the pillow.

Smiling down at his angelic face, she brushed his hair to the side and kissed his forehead. "I love you so much, silly boy," she whispered into his ear. "Ditto, kiddo," he replied. She chuckled at his response. That child was such a mixture of Rick, Martha and Jackson, she thought to herself.

She placed Jack's pillow on his bed. Because Jack still had a tight grip on his sister and Kate was able to lay him more comfortably on his bed without the fear that Johanna would fall. She coaxed Johanna out of his arms and laid her beside Jack as she covered his body. He lets out a soft sigh, and she kissed his cheeks. Stepping back, she looked at all three of her children peacefully sleeping. Her heart argued with her head about the next day's scheduled events.

Regardless of what she wanted the outcome to be, they boys needed to know. She picked up Johanna, turned out the lamp and went downstairs.

She could hear in her head those words he had said a long time ago. _The heart wants what the heart wants._

* * *

**I love reading your reviews. So feel free...**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: I'm kinda late posting. But hey, it's still Monday, right? Just later than usual.**

* * *

Kate stood in the kitchen waiting for the coffee maker to finish percolating. After putting the boys to bed, she collapsed on her own bed. She didn't even place Johanna in her crib. For the first time, she let the baby sleep in the big bed. But sleep was no longer in Johanna's plans. Shortly after crashing, she was awakened by the baby's wailing.

A small cry came from Kate's bedroom, signaling Johanna waking up for the day. How could she be awake? The past two hours were the longest stretch the baby had slept in the last 10 hours. Kate thought about waiting for the coffee to finish brewing but didn't want Johanna's cries to become louder and wake the boys. Everyone would be awake soon enough.

As she padded across the living room, the cries stopped. Kate paused at the entrance to the bedroom and saw Johanna was still sleeping. She waited a few seconds, staring at the baby who never moved, except for the even, rhythmic rise and fall of her chest.

Once she realized Johanna was only crying in her sleep, she gently closed the door and headed back to the kitchen. She leaned back against the counter and held an empty coffee cup in her hand. With her index finger, she traced the opening to the cup. Her mind was anywhere but in the loft. With her eyes glazed over, she never heard Jack call her.

"Mom," he said a little louder, snapping her out of her haze. He was standing at the edge of the counter. His hair was standing on its ends, and his eyes were still heavy with sleep.

"Hey, buddy. You're up early." Kate walked to Jack and picked him up. He wrapped his arms tightly around her neck and his legs around her waist. Resting his head on her shoulder, he nuzzled his face into her neck, filling the area with the warmth of his breath.

"I couldn't sleep," he grumbled. As she sat him on the counter, she placed a kiss on his forehead.

"Did Johanna's crying keep you up? I tried to keep her in my bedroom, so you wouldn't hear her. Sorry, bud." The coffee had finished brewing, and she quietly poured herself a cup. Taking a sip, the warm liquid quickly spread down her throat and into her chest.

Jack's words from last night still echoed in her head. She knew that was the real reason he couldn't sleep. Jack sat on the counter, letting his feet dangle and swing from side to side. He pulled them up and crossed them while whispering "Criss-cross, applesauce."

It was barely seven in the morning. Dr Miller had agreed to come by the loft between 9-9:30. "So, I'm thinking about snuggling on my bed with my covers. Wanna join me?" Kate asked him.

Jack had been staring at his feet, when he slowly lifted his head. "Mom?" he asked quietly.

Kate was about to answer him when he asked openly, "How come you don't cry?"

Wrinkling her forehead, she questioned, "What do you mean?"

"How come you don't cry?" he asked again with wide eyes.

"I– I do. But I don't think I understand your question."

"Well, how come you don't cry about Daddy anymore?"

The air in Kate's lungs exited quickly as if she had been punched in the gut. Her knees trembled, and she almost fell to the floor. The shaking of her hands was unmistakable, and she had to set her coffee mug on the counter before it fell to the floor and shattered.

"After Daddy died, sometimes when I couldn't sleep, I would come to your room. I never came in, just stood at the door because many times I heard you crying in bed. One night I heard Daddy's voice, and I was so excited. I thought he came home. I almost came in to give him a hug." Jack looked at the floor and sadly stated, "But it was just his phone."

He paused and then said, "Mom, do you not miss Daddy anymore?"

"Oh, baby," Kate cried. She scooped up Jack into her arms as tears trickled down her face. She had to tell him the truth. His little heart was breaking, and she held the information needed to end his pain. But Dr. Miller suggested they should do it together. She had already held her secret for three weeks; she could hold it for a few more hours.

"Oh, baby, come with me." Kate carried Jack to the couch. She sat down and kept him on her lap. He nestled his head against her chest, and she rested her cheek on the top of his head. Together they sat and cried together. She hugged him tightly to her body, feeling his little body tremble, as they both drifted asleep.

* * *

Someone knocking on the door jarred Kate awake. Blinking anxiously, she tried to get her bearings. Jack was still heavily asleep on her lap. The rest of the loft was quiet. She looked at the clock on the wall. It read 9:25. Shit! Dr. Miller was knocking on her door; no one was awake, much less dressed or fed.

Laying Jack on the couch, Kate sprang to her feet and rushed to the door.

Running her fingers through her hair to make herself look somewhat presentable, she opened the door with a smile across her lips.

In a whisper, she greeted the doctor, and placed her index finger on her lips, hinting to the doctor one of the kids was asleep nearby.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I called before I left my office. Is everything alright?" Tracie could see the sleepy look on Kate's face, mixed with slight embarrassment.

"I just had a rough night last night. My baby decided it would be more fun to wake up screaming every few hours instead of sleeping." Kate smiled as she motioned for Dr. Miller to come in.

"Please, come have a seat." She motioned toward the couch. She let the therapist get about two steps past her when she reached out and gently grabbed her elbow.

"Excuse me, Dr. Miller, but my son Jack is still asleep on the couch. Can we go into the office instead? There are a few things I want to talk to you about before I wake them."

"Sure. Yes, that will be fine." Dr. Miller was not one to pass judgment. She always let her clients to tell her what they wanted her to know in their own time.

They walked into the office, and Kate quietly shut the door. Now that she knew Jack had stealth like skills, she didn't want him to overhear any of the conversation with Dr. Miller. Both women sat on the couch across from the desk. Kate exhaled deeply and slowly.

Gently she stammered, "Last night and this morning, Jack said something I will never forget." She tried her best to keep herself from crying. Her emotions were so raw, and the pain Jack was experiencing killed her.

"Last night, he told me he didn't feel Rick in his heart anymore. And then this morning he asked why I don't cry about Rick's death. Now, I didn't tell him that I don't cry because I know Rick is alive, but how do I handle his concerns?"

Dr. Miller smiled and took Kate's hand into her own. She patted her hand as she said, "Luckily, that is why I am here. Children handle death differently than adults. He may be feeling guilt or anger because he can't 'feel Daddy.' But may also feel relief because he doesn't see or hear you cry anymore. His inability to comprehend the true meaning and impact of death has no reflection on how you are handling it or adequately explaining it to him."

She let go of Kate's hand and reached inside her bag for a small book. She placed it on her lap and asked, "What have you done to memorialize Rick?"

"Well, both boys attended the funeral, against many people's objections. So, call me selfish, I wanted them there with me."

"No, no, Kate, you're not selfish at all."

Kate smiled weakly. She indeed felt guilty about her choice to have the boys at the funeral. "They're too young," "They won't understand," she knew everyone meant well, but…

"Um, I wouldn't say that I talk about him or what happened everyday, but if either have a question, I answer it. I just did my best to get their lives back to 'normal,' whatever that is now."

"That's great! Keeping their schedule and activities anchors their life and gives them a sense of security. Kate, you really have done your best to guide Jack and James through Rick's death. But you can't expect yourself to be perfect. No one can."

* * *

Kate wrapped up her conversation with Dr. Miller just as Jack knocked on the door to the office. He clung to Kate's side as she introduced her to Jack. He held out his hand to shake hers but was not about to leave his mother's side. She checked on Johanna and smiled when she saw the baby was still sleeping. Jack and Kate went upstairs to wake James. He had never been an early riser.

Carrying James down the stairs, Kate explained that Dr. Miller was here to talk about something very important. James had so many questions that Kate had to finally tell him to hush and just wait until they talked to her.

Dr. Miller sat in the chair closest to the piano while Kate and the boys sat on the couch. Kate was unsure how the therapist was going to spring this information to the boys. It's not like there's a "how-to" book for these things.

James fidgeted with his pajama shirt while Jack curled up next to Kate. She wrapped her arm around him and pulled him close to her. Dr. Miller smiled at Kate and then began, "Boys, do you know what a therapist is?"

With raised eyebrows, James looked at Kate and then to Dr. Miller. Jack shook his head as James said, "No."

"Well, you know my name is Dr. Miller, and I'm a little bit different type of doctor than the one you might go to when you're sick. I am a therapist. What that means is I am a doctor that helps people with their problems."

Both boys seemed pleased with that answer, so Tracie continued. She went on to explain the detective work Kate once did and Ryan and Esposito still do. She then asked what they knew about their father's death. James said he was hurt really badly in a plane crash and wouldn't come home anymore. Dr. Miller talked to him about that, and he voiced that he didn't like it and he missed his Daddy, but he had his Mommy, Alexis, Grams and Granddad to take care of him.

When she asked Jack, he told Kate, "I'm not talking to her." He turned his back to Kate's side and looked over the couch into the kitchen. Kate looked at the doctor and mouthed, "Sorry."

Dr. Miller said "That's okay, Jack. I understand you don't want to talk. But will you listen?"

"No," he protested.

"Jack," Kate began.

"No, Kate. Don't force him. It's no big deal." Dr. Miller went on. James had gotten off the couch and scampered over to Tracie, asking if he could see her watch. She took it off and started talking to him about the difference between a mistake and the truth. He said he understood and gave her an example of each. Tracie praised him and then asked, "Did you know that adults can make mistakes, too?"

"Yeah. Mommy makes mistakes a few times. Like one time, she gave me Jack's cup instead of my cup. He was drinking apple juice, and I don't like it."

Tracie laughed and so did Kate. James looked up at both of them and went back to playing with the watch. Dr. Miller then explained that the police that found their Daddy's plane had made a mistake. She described what they found at the crash site and how they thought Rick was dead. This caught Jack's attention, and he jerked his head to look at the doctor.

"See, they couldn't find your Daddy, so they thought he died. But it was a mistake. A bad man took your Daddy. Luckily, your Daddy was very brave and was able to escape and call Uncles Esposito and Ryan. They found your Dad, and he's at the hospital."

James came back to Kate and stood beside her. Jack sat up and stared at Tracie with wide hazel eyes. She was well aware she had their full attention.

"Your Daddy is alive and would love to see you. Would you like to go see him?"

James smiled and giggled, "Yeah, and can we stop at the bakery and get him some muffins, Mom?"

Kate hugged James and whispered, "Sure we can."

James and Kate turned to look at Jack. His eyes were narrow; he was thinking and processing the information he had just been given. Darting back and forth from Kate to the doctor, his eyes finally settled on Kate. He scooted to the end of the couch as Kate asked, "Jack, what's wrong?"

He huffed and shook his head. He glared at Kate as he sneered, "How long have you known?" His voice was low as he looked at Kate through his eyelashes.

Kate was shocked at his reaction. She started to move closer to him when he said, "I have to know. Answer me, Mom!"

"Jackson Beckett. You are not allowed to talk to me like that, young man," Kate insisted. Whenever she disciplined or had to get Jack's attention, she used his full name along with his middle name. Kate stood up and ran her fingers through her hair. She wasn't sure what reactions to expect from either boy, but she sure didn't expect Jack to lash out at her. She walked over to the other chair in the room and stood behind it.

Looking at Jack, he seemed so small. He had drawn his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. His chin was placed firmly on his knees, and he stared straight in front of him.

Kate was at a loss about what to do, how to deal with this. She looked toward Tracie for guidance. But the doctor's face seemed to tell her, _go on, you know what to do. You've got this._

Kate rubbed the familiar spot on her forehead and mumbled, "Jack, you have to understand." She walked over to him and sat in front of him on the chaise. He wouldn't look at her. Whatever he had found to fixate his eyes on kept his focus. Kate reached over and touched his shoulder.

"Sweetie, listen to me, okay? My job as your Mom is to protect you. Your Dad's job and mine is to keep you safe. Your Daddy loves you so, so much. But when he was found, he was very scared. He's been very angry, and his heart is hurting."

Jack interrupted with a whisper of, "Well, so, is mine."

"I know. We all are. But Dad just needed some time heal inside and out, to think about things before he saw or spoke to you boys." James climbed up onto the couch and sat at his brother's feet, offering what little comfort he could. Dr. Miller remained in the chair and let Kate keep control of the situation.

"Daddy is now ready and waiting to see you. Do you want to see him?" James smiled and said quietly, "I do."

Jack rolled his eyes the way only the child of Kate Beckett could. "If I say no, I'll be in trouble," he muttered.

Kate and Dr. Miller reassured Jack that he wouldn't be in trouble. After talking with both of the women, Jack agreed to at least go to the hospital. Baby steps, Kate told him. The same mantra she had been telling Castle. Maybe Jack had a little bit more of Castle in him than she realized.

* * *

Castle was putting the last few of his belongings into a duffle bag when Kate came back in through the door. He had been officially discharged. Ryan and Jenny agreed to take Jack and James for the evening. They planned dinner and a movie with the four kids. Her dad had Johanna back at the loft until they got home.

She sat on the bed and talked mindless chatter. Castle told her how he was so excited about seeing the boys. James ran into his arms and could not be coaxed out. He showed some jealousy when Rick held Johanna so Kate could use the restroom.

Jack sat in one of the chairs at the table. For the longest time he sat and stared. He didn't engage in conversation. Dr. Miller had called Rick before Kate got there with the kids and warned him of Jack's mood. She coached him to let Jack lead and not to pressure him.

Castle did try to talk to him, but Jack kept his answers to one word or nothing at all. He would ask Jack questions or talk about things he had learned while in the hospital. At one point, Kate became so frustrated that she wanted to say something. Castle sensed her irritation and hinted she take James and the baby for a walk in the hall.

Once they left the room, Castle sat at the edge of the bed. He didn't want to invade Jack's personal space, but after sitting in on thousands of interrogations, he knew it was one way to get a suspect to talk. As the thought ran through his mind, Castle laughed to himself. He was comparing his five-year-old son to a common criminal.

Castle just sat. He didn't say anything. He didn't look at Jack. Without giving it much thought, he tapped into his inner child-like personality. He began to slowly alternate swinging his legs back and forth. Every third swing, he'd lift his leg and see how long he could keep it extended. His right leg never remained in the air for long.

One time he winced in pain as he let his leg fall. His knee was not in the best of shape. His mind immediately flashed back to that house in Harlem and the moment he had been stabbed in that knee by Tyson. The doctors said the muscles had healed, but it had lost strength, and he would still have pain.

Castle reached down and rubbed his knee. He didn't notice Jack had gotten out of the chair.

Jack was standing at the edge of the bed intently watching Castle massage his leg and his knee.

"What happened to it?" he whispered.

The small voice caught Castle off guard. When he turned, he saw concentrated hazel eyes, just like Kate's, staring intensely at him. But what got to him was realizing they were filled with fear, brimming with tears and wide with innocence.

"Your leg. What happened to your leg?" Jack took another step closer to the edge of the bed. Keeping the plastic footboard and a few inches between him and his father was a comfortable distance.

"Oh, this old thing," Castle patted his knee. "A few years before you were born, your mom and I went skiing. I tried to do a trick and broke my knee."

"Oh," was Jack's reply. They both stared at the floor. Again, for a man who made his living with words, Castle sure had a hard time finding them when it mattered.

"Hey, Jack."

He didn't answer, but he looked up and into Castle's eyes.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say to you, and I don't expect you to forgive me anytime soon. But you have to know I love you so much, and I'm sorry for hurting you."

Jack just stood in the silence, staring at his feet. Castle wasn't even sure if the child heard him. But he had apologized and given it a shot to try to mend their relationship. Jack was a lot like Kate.

Exhaling slowly, Jack blinked quickly. Tears were falling onto the floor. He took a jagged breath and gently lifted his head.

"Daddy?" Jack said with a weak voice. He tried to bite his lower lip to keep it for quivering. His little chin gave away the trembling. Jack took a step back as Castle looked over at him. His instant reaction was to reach out to his son. Castle hesitated but stood up. He turned towards Jack and swiftly lifted the boy off the floor. Jack flung his arms around Castle's neck and sobbed heavily into the crook of his Daddy's neck. Castle couldn't fight back the tears either. They both were shaking as they sobbed.

About to lose his balance, Castle sat down on the bed. Jack's legs straddled Castle's hips, but his arms never let go. Jack slid down and laid his head on Castle's chest. Rick was reminded of when Jack was little and he slept the best when Castle held him on his chest. Inhaling steadily and deeply, Castle took in the scent of his boy. He closed his eyes and steadied his breathing, knowing if he calmed down, Jack would also.

When Jack stopped trembling, he looked up at Castle. "Daddy, promise me you won't leave me again. I love you too much."

Castle chuckled, smiled and said "Always, son."

* * *

"I am so happy Jack finally came around. I really thought it would take weeks or months for him to accept everything," Castle gushed.

Kate smiled at him and said, "He's definitely my boy, huh? Five years old and already started his own wall." She giggled.

"Yeah, but I am so glad he allowed me to scale that wall in an hour compared to _your_ four years." He quickly lifted his eyebrows a few times and smiled his classic boyish grin.

"Oh, Writer-boy, you wanna go there, do you? If memory serves me, _you_ had a few walls for me to scramble, too. Or was that just mere men's stupidity?" she joked. He knew how to chose his battles, so he just smiled at her and winked.

He went to the restroom to gather his toiletries. When he came out, he could sense something was bothering Kate, but he didn't want to ask right away. Maybe it was just the fear of him coming home, how things had changed, would they ever get back to "normal?" It could just as easily be all of the stress of the morning finally reaching the end of her nerves. He joked with her about not thinking so much. Wiggling his fingers towards his own forehead, he advised, "Remember, it makes your forehead all wrinkly like a Shar-Pei."

Concerned about his state of mind, she knew he had been though enough, but Kate also knew she had to tell him what was on her mind. She asked Castle to stop packing and to come sit beside her on the bed.

She inhaled deeply, trying to gather courage. With a trembling voice, she began, "Castle, I wanted you back, not to push you further away. I didn't think any good could come from this, but it's eating me away inside."

His eyes let her know he didn't completely follow what she was saying. She just let the words fall out of her mouth.

"Remember our last conversation, you told me to go on with my life. And I said I couldn't." She looked away. Castle took her hands into his. "That's not entirely true. A few weeks after Johanna was born, Demming brought over lunch. I didn't think anything of it, no more than friends having lunch. But he had ulterior motives. We had lunch, sat and chatted about our lives. As we were clearing the table, he told me about the feelings he still had for me."

She pulled her hands from his and ran them through her hair. She needed the few seconds that little distraction created to find the nerve to finish.

"Castle, I let him kiss me." She softly cried. "And I shouldn't have. I regretted it instantly, so I made him stop almost immediately." He sat beside her and took a few slow, steady breaths. Quietly, he took her into his arms. With her head on his chest, her tears soaked into his shirt.

"It's okay," he said softly.

She's stunned. She sat up and dried her eyes. Repeating slowly, "It's okay? How can you say that? I cheated on you."

"Yes, but no you didn't. Kate, you thought I was dead. I told you to move on. You tried. Remember what else I said that day?"

"Yes," she paused and thought, "No, I don't."

"Kate, I said you were, no you are, the perfect wife. Don't let this tear you up. It's really okay. You said you should have loved me better, and that killed me. Your love can never be replaced or better."

He pulled her back to him, and as he embraced her with a hug, he joked, "Wish I had known this sooner. I would have punched Demming when he was here."

Kate asked, "He was here?"

"Yeah, the day we sat on the swings. He came to ask questions about Tyson. He reminded me how lucky I am to have you. He regrets losing you."

"What? Why would he say that?" she blurted out.

"Because it's the truth. I am a lucky man. I can count on both hands the ones I love and they love me in return. I have had a great career, have had opportunities not many people get to have, four of the best kids in the universe, and you. That alone makes me the luckiest man in the world. Because you are my always."

Smiling up at him, Kate stretched up and kissed Castle's cheek.

He leaned down and rubbed his nose against hers. "Come on, Kate, let's go home."

* * *

**So, tell me what you think...**

**Our end is very, very near.**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Oh my gosh! This is the next to last chapter. Where did the time go? Our little story has definitely had a fun journey. Okay, maybe "fun" isn't the best word to use here ;)**

**Read & review, please...**

* * *

"Castle?" Kate stepped to the bottom of the stairs. She gazed up to the second floor of the loft, listening for him. She finally heard the door open to the guest room. He came home from the hospital almost three weeks ago.

As he came into view, she could see his hair was rumpled. He was rubbing his eyes and let out a long yawn before mumbling, "Did you call for me?"

Her eyes met his, and her heart fluttered in her chest. He is now a different man than he was a year ago, but her love knows no boundaries.

"I have to go to the store. I won't be long. Johanna is asleep, and I was wondering if you were up to looking after her while I'm out?" Gosh, she hesitated to even ask. But the weather had gotten chilly, and she didn't want to risk the baby getting cold.

Castle began to walk down the stairs, his eyes darted from Kate to the master bedroom door. Kate spied the panic on his face and tried to calm him.

"Alexis should be here any moment. So you won't be alone long. Even if she doesn't make it, I'll only be gone 30-minutes, max." He was now face to face with her. Wide blue eyes stared back at her. She was still unsure if he was frightened or trying to wake up.

Castle inhaled deeply as his eyes scanned the loft. He looked past Kate toward the bedroom where the baby was.

As he looked back to her, he said, "You promise you'll come back?" His voice was insecure and full of hesitation.

"Yes, I promise. Trust me; she's asleep. She should be asleep for at least an hour. She's in our, I mean, my room. If you want, you can sit here in the living room to listen for her until I get back."

"Yeah, I think I can do that." He walked past Kate as he went to the kitchen.

She really was happy he had agreed to come home. But she missed the man he used to be and the way they were together. In the past, she would not have had to call for him from the upstairs bedroom. He would not have just casually walked past her without a simple touch of his hand.

He opened the refrigerator and then turned to look at Kate.

"What?" Her eyes dart from him to the fridge door.

"Umm, which store are you going to?" He asked almost child-like.

"Just to the corner market. Jack needs to take a snack to school tomorrow, and I completely forgot." Kate was in the process of putting on her jacket. She stopped and walked toward the kitchen.

"You know what. It can wait. I'll just wait until Jack gets home. He and I can go together." Kate started to take her jacket off and hang it on the back of a chair at the bar.

"No can do, ma'am. We have a dinner date with the guys and their wives at 8pm. I don't think there will be enough time." Castle had gotten out a carton of juice and was removing a glass from the cupboard when Kate tried to argue.

"I was going to make homemade cookies, but store bought are fine. Jack won't care." She knew he still felt uneasy around the baby, and the cookies could wait.

Castle wiggled his index finger back and forth at Kate. "No. No. He's looking forward to making cookies with you. Told me himself this morning while I was helping him brush his teeth."

Kate smiled a sheepish grin. Jack really was looking forward to making cookies, and she knew it.

"Okay. Then I better go. I promise I'll be back soon. I'm just picking up chocolate chips. Do you want anything?"

"No. I don't think so." He took a sip of his juice and made an awful face.

Out of habit, Kate walked around the bar and kissed Castle's cheek. Without hesitation, his arm came up behind her and wrapped around her waist, pulling her into him. Her body was pressed tightly against his. Blue eyes met hazel, and for the first time, his eyes were not filled with fear. She smiled softly and leaned in to kiss his lips. Her body ached for him.

It had been over a year since she had last been in his arms. She brought her hand up and ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. Her mouth was open, her tongue was exploring his lips, daring for entrance. She let out a soft moan. Pulling her tongue into his mouth, he returned the moan.

Suddenly, he pulled back, causing her tongue to make an audible pop as he released her. His eyes were wide and dark. Kate's shoulders slumped as she turned her face down and let out a soft sigh. She looked at the floor and battled with the tears threatening to come to the surface a little too fast. Softly, he whispered, "I'm sorry."

Instantly, she longed for his touch again, but all she could do was take a step back, instead.

The all too familiar fear was back, and she didn't have the strength to battle. With her right hand, she reached up to wipe her mouth. But her hand stopped on it's own accord at her lips. She could still taste him in her mouth.

Castle stepped back, turning to face the wall. Quietly, Kate approached him, placing her hand on his shoulder. His body turned rigid. Instead of savoring the smoothness and warmth of his body, her hand met with a shoulder that felt like a taciturn, lifeless rock.

"Castle? I don't have to go," she said softly, with a tone full of regret.

Without a word, he cut her off by waving his hand while he kept his back to her. She gently rubbed his back.

How could she be so stupid? She had dealt with PTSD herself; she should have known better than to not let him lead, to let him set the pace. She inhaled deeply as he answered her.

"No, Kate. Go. Jackson is really looking forward to this." There were tears in his voice, even though he tried to mask it.

With a final pat, she walked towards the door. As she reached for the handle, she turned to get a glimpse of Castle.

She was surprised to see him watching her. She smiled when their eyes met. Nodding towards the master bedroom, she said, "Johanna should sleep while I'm gone. If she does wake up, there's a bottle on the counter. I promise I'll hurry back."

Castle smiled, "See you when you get back."

* * *

Gripping with her hands, Kate practically forced the elevator doors open. She was gone much longer than she had anticipated. Castle was alone, and alone with the baby. Alexis had called to say an emergency at work had come up and she would be a few hours late.

The clerk at the store had problems with the cash register. Somehow, they had gone completely off line, and only cash was being accepted. By the time Kate got to the counter, the register wouldn't open. She was tempted to just leave a twenty on the counter and leave with the chocolates. But the manager was able to get the machine working just in time before Kate panicked and left.

Running as fast as she could, she left the store and headed towards the loft. She didn't even stop to speak to Ernesto as she sprinted through the lobby. The elevator doors were starting to close as she entered. An elderly woman gasped from inside the elevator car. Beckett recognized her as Mrs. Foster from the second floor.

Kate smiled, "Sorry, Mrs. Foster. I didn't mean to frighten you."

"Oh dear, that's fine. You must be in a rush. How's your baby girl?"

"She's good. Thanks for asking." Kate was panting. She hadn't been out for a run in a year. Her burning lungs were proof of it.

Kate sighed with relief as the elevator dinged to alert the old woman it had arrived at her floor. Slowly, she exited, and then turned to Kate to say, "Take care, love."

Nodding and waving, Kate leaned over to press the buttons on the wall. She was thinking she should have taken the stairs. But her still burning lungs and jagged breathing told her she was wrong. Yet she couldn't shake the thought that maybe she would have been home a few minutes quicker if she had.

Racing down the hall, she fumbled with the keys in her pocket. Once she retrieved them, she forced the key into its slot, unlocking the door and let herself in.

Scanning the loft, she briefly panicked when she couldn't find Castle where she left him. She walked toward the kitchen but couldn't hear anyone either. The baby's bottle had been moved. She examined its contents, but it didn't seem as if any of the liquid was gone.

Placing the bottle back on the counter, she listened more attentively for any sign of Castle or Johanna. The loft was eerily quiet. She knew he wouldn't leave with the baby. He could barely hold her without getting worked up. She walked to the end of the stairs and was about to call out his name when she heard noises coming from her bedroom.

Walking softly towards the bedroom, she nervously listened. Her heart was pounding in her ears. Castle had not been in their room once since he came back home. He avoided the room at all cost.

As she approached the door, she was relieved to hear the baby cooing. So Johanna was okay, but what about Castle. Oh no! Had he fallen and hit his head? Did he go upstairs and forget Johanna was here? The more seconds passed, more thoughts crowded Kate's head.

Suddenly, she heard the familiar sound of Alexis's laugh. Sighing with relief, she walked into the bedroom.

She had to blink twice to believe her eyes. Castle was sitting on his side of the bed. He had pillows propped against the headboard and was laying against them. Alexis was sitting on the foot of the bed, laughing at her father. Johanna was resting peacefully on Castle's chest. He had one hand on the baby's bottom and the other was stroking her hair. Her little eyes were too heavy to stay open.

An overwhelming feeling of bliss enveloped Kate's whole self as tears permeated her eyes. Quietly, she stood in the doorway. She had no idea what the two were laughing about, but the sudden eruption of Castle's laughter was the best sound. She didn't want to ruin this moment.

He must have sensed her presence. As he turned to look at the door, his smile grew even bigger.

"Hey! You're back. We didn't hear you come in." His tone had changed from just an hour before when they were in the kitchen. He seemed almost– happy.

Kate flashed a huge smile as she padded across the bedroom and then took a seat on the bed.

"Dad and I were just telling stories about when I was little. You know, by the things he remembers, you would think he raised a different kid." Alexis winked and smiled at her father as she gently patted his thigh.

"What makes you say that?" Kate looked confused.

"Well, for starters, he clearly remembers my childhood a lot different than I do." Laughing out loud, Alexis tipped her head down to look at her dad.

Kate chuckled. She looked at Castle as he shrugged. Taking his index finger and tapped the side of his head, he joked, "I have a better memory than she thinks I do."

Alexis went on to tell a story about their first game of laser-tag. She told of how her dad would "hide" so she could find him and allow her to shoot him. Alexis claimed that he would hide behind the curtains, "allowing" his shoes to give him away.

Castle laughed, stating that he always hid very well. Alexis was just a better "seeker" than he was a "hider." As his chest reverberated with his laughter, Johanna squirmed. Kate scooted her bottom back and reached over to stroke Johanna's back. She was going to remove her from his chest when Castle started to pat the baby's bottom and quietly hushed her.

Wiping a tear, Kate arranged her pillows against the headboard and joined her husband. She leaned close to him and rubbed Johanna's back. This was their first perfect moment since he came back.

"Oh, Dad. Show Kate what you did to the baby." Alexis said with a smile.

Alexis giggled as she stood up. Her eyes were brighter today. She was wearing blue scrubs that enhanced the hue of her eyes. She made her way to the head of the bed. Leaning down, she kissed her father on his forehead. He returned the favor by leaning up to her kiss.

"I've got to get back to the hospital. I only had a little bit of free time. Sorry I can't stay, but I will be back tonight." Ever since Castle had come home, Alexis had officially moved in the loft. She helped with the kids, with his medication and most of all, his restoration.

She smiled at Kate as she squeezed her hand and then left for the door. When Alexis got to the bedroom door, she turned towards them. Looking at the floor, she said, "I know I don't say this enough, but I love you." She paused and looked at Kate. "I love you, too, Kate. Thank you for everything you have done."

Shocked, Kate sat up. Her eyes were wide and she stammered, "I– I love you, too, Alexis. More than you'll ever know."

The women smiled at each other, and Alexis left the room.

Kate lay back on the pillows, and without thinking she placed her head on Castle's shoulder. His head was propped back, his eyes were closed and he had a grin on his face. He began to hum a lullaby. Kate closed her eyes and basked in the warmth of his love. She listened to his breathing and slowly let herself relax. A perfect moment indeed.

She had waited so long for a day like today. Many times, she envisioned what life would be like if Castle had never been taken from her. But now, he really was here, next to her, holding their daughter.

He stopped humming, and she could feel him staring at her. When she opened her eyes, he had such a goofy look on his face.

She raised one eyebrow and said, "What?"

"Ask me what I did today." He was almost giddy.

"Okay, what did– Wait? What do you mean?"

"Come on, just ask." He bounced a little as he finished the sentence.

Kate sat up and brought her legs together in a crisscross. Leaning forward, she asked, "Castle, what did you do today?"

"I was a great father, today. My baby girl and I bonded in a very girly way." He added extra emphasis on the last three words.

"Oh, very girly, you say? Bet that wasn't too hard for you." She winked when she looked at him.

"Hey… Okay, you're right. But, I'd like to show you my big accomplishment." He ran his hand down Johanna's back to her feet. He rolled her to her side so that she now lay in the cradle of his arm. The baby began to squirm and her face wrinkled up as she let out a soft whimper.

"Oh no, I think I woke her," Castle hushed, clearly disappointed. Johanna quieted, let out a heavy sigh and smiled.

Castle turned to Kate with exhilaration. "That was cool! I've never seen her do that."

"Me either; she's never smiled."

"Well, then I guess I have her vote."

"Her vote? What are you talking about?"

"Well, while you were at the store, no, actually you were probably still in the elevator headed down, she woke up. She didn't fuss much, but she sure didn't want her bottle. I was walking around with her when I remembered something."

Kate was intrigued. Almost a little fearful of where this tale was going. "Okay, what did you remember?" she hesitantly asked.

"You see, when Alexis was little, Mother would take her to the spa. She'd get a massage, a facial and her nails done. So, I got out some lotion and gave Hanna a baby massage."

Kate smiled and envisioned Castle smearing lotion all over the baby. The few times he had given Kate a massage, he always managed to use too much lotion everywhere. She had never complained about it because that always played in their favor afterwards when they would make love.

She looked at him as he continued. That memory would have to take a backseat right now.

"The massage was a hit. She loved it and fell asleep. So I brought her back to the bed, and I got bored. I forgot that babies don't do much at this age. As she lay there sleeping, I went to the bathroom upstairs and found just what I needed."

With concern, Kate stared at him. Gently, he placed the baby's feet in his hand.

"Look," he said with pride, "I painted her toe nails."

Kate took Johanna's foot and laughed.

"You– you painted our daughter's toes. And they're green. Well, it looks good with her skin tone."

"You're not mad, are you?" Castle's voice sounded like he was a nine-year-old boy who had just gotten in trouble.

Kate leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"No, there's no way I am mad. I actually think it's sweet."

"Whew! Good. Think she likes the color?"

Looking at the baby and then to Castle, Kate leaned her head against his shoulder again and said, "I know she loves it."

* * *

That night, after dinner, dishes, baths and bedtime stories, Kate ran herself a hot bath. Castle stayed upstairs and went to the spare bedroom where he had been sleeping since he came home.

Kate had slipped on a pair of sweats and an old NYPD shirt and was drying her hair when she heard a light knock on her door. She opened it to find Castle standing there with a pillow in his arms.

With raised eyebrows, she looked at him, debating on what to say.

He opened his mouth a few times, but the words just wouldn't form.

"Are you okay?" she finally sputtered.

Stammering, "Ye-yeah, I'm okay. Um– can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," she said slowly.

"Well, I, uh," Castle looked at the floor and shifted his weight from foot to foot. He reminded Kate of James. Whenever he wanted to ask her something and he thought her answer would be "no," he hesitated and didn't make eye contact.

"Castle, it's okay. Ask away."

When he looked at her, she was smiling. She made him smile, too.

Before he spoke, he looked back at his feet. "Well, what I wanted to ask was," bringing his head up slowly to look into her hazel eyes, "Can I sleep with you tonight?

"Wait! No, not 'sleep with you' but in your bed. In your bed – with you. Oh, this is coming out all wrong. Never mind." Castle was so embarrassed. But all she could see was this beautiful man coming back to her, in every sense of the way.

As he was turning to walk away, Kate hurried and reached for his hand. She gave him a gentle squeeze and smiled, "Always." He smiled back at her and she turned, walking towards the bed. She stopped, looked over her shoulder and said, "You coming, Castle?"

* * *

**A/N: And time for the end...**


	20. Epilogue

**A/N: Thanks to all & everyone who has ridden this crazy train with us! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this story. A huge thanks goes out to my betas. This story would be very little without your hard work and dedication. But most of all, thank you for your friendship, listening ears, editing eyes and amazing hearts!**

* * *

The sun was shining brightly into the loft windows. For a mid-April morning, it was too gorgeous outside to be stuck indoors. Kate came walking down the stairs to a living room filled with laughter.

Castle was lying on the floor in front of the couch. He had his feet in the air, and each of the kids was taking turns playing airplane. Johanna toddled to him exclaiming, "Me, Daddy. Me!" He reached up for her outstretched hands and placed his feet on her belly.

Mimicking his voice to sound as if he was speaking through a headset, he called, "Princess Hanna is ready for take off. Air traffic controller Jack, are we clear for takeoff?"

"You are clear for takeoff! Have a nice flight," Jack said.

Castle then asked, "Pilot to co-pilot James, we have been cleared for takeoff. Start the engines."

"Yes, Captain, my captain!" James replied with a giggle as he brought his hand to his forehead to salute his father. He took a deep breath and blew to make his lips flap, sounding like a propeller plane.

Castle lifted Johanna into the air as she squealed. "Higher, Daddy!"

Kate picked up Johanna's blanket from the floor and folded it over her arm. When Johanna saw her, she called, "Look Mommy; I'm flying."

"You sure are baby girl. Tell Daddy to be careful. You might get air sick."

With that, Castle turned his head quickly towards Kate. His eyes were wide as he smiled and said, "That's right. She's not a good passenger."

Kate shook her head, "Nope, so be careful."

"You do know this isn't a real plane."

"All I'm saying is a tummy full of happy face pancakes and pressure on said tummy are never a good recipe."

The thoughts of previous flights with Johanna and her motion sickness caused Castle to lower his daughter gently and announce that she had made her final descent. All other flights had been delayed until further notice.

Castle rolled onto his stomach and then got up to his knees. He winced in pain as he stood up. He had broken his knee a few years before he and Kate were married while showing off to her during a ski trip. While Tyson held him captive, his muscles had deteriorated, plus the madman inflicted a cut to his thigh that never healed properly.

The kids chose this time to sit on the couch with a stack of books. Jack began reading to his brother and sister. James was on his left, and Johanna was on his right. He lowered his voice as he began to read _Stuart Little_. Jack loved to read. But what he enjoyed the most was providing voices for the different characters.

Kate beamed with pride as she went to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. Castle followed her but went straight to the fridge.

"What are you getting? You know you get food, and they will want food."

"What? Are you saying we are rationing our food now?" He said with a smirk.

"Funny. No, but you're in charge of the mass 'I wanna's' that will be sung really soon."

"Oh, Kate. How do you know I'm getting food? I could be getting water." Castle laughed and said, "Yeah, I couldn't even say that with a straight face."

Kate rolled her eyes as she took a sip of coffee. She held her cup towards him asking, "Do you want some?"

"Yeah, but I'll make it."

Kate turned to look into the living room. The kids were laughing at the story. Jack was in full acting mode describing how Stuart had gotten stuck in the window blinds while exercising.

Suddenly and softly, Castle wrapped his arms around Kate's waist. He put his nose into the crook of her neck. Instinctively, she tilted her head so he could have better access to her neck. Slowly, he pushed her hair out of the way. His fingers gently grazed her skin causing her to shiver as her body reacted to their electricity.

Castle delicately blew on her skin before he adroitly kissed her. Kate closed her eyes and tried to not moan. Castle's hands were slightly rubbing her abdomen.

After the second kiss, Kate turned to face him. He smiled with hazy eyes. Kate brought her hands up and purposefully scratched her nails against his chest through his shirt.

His reaction let her know that he, too, was savoring the energy between them. Her hip could feel just how excited he was getting. She leaned in and ran her tongue across his lips. He went to part them to allow her in when she forcefully pushed him back.

He shook his head and came out of his trance. He stammered, "Wh–What was that for?"

"I don't think you have noticed we have a small audience," she whispered, and she pointed over her shoulder towards the couch. The back of little heads could be seen.

He frowned and stood beside her at the counter. They both turned around to see the kids still on the couch.

Kate stood behind Castle, wrapped her arm around his waist and placed her head on his shoulder. She murmured, "You know I love showing affection in a public place, but the children in the next room isn't exactly my idea of a good time."

Castle smiled. He turned to Kate and said, "Remember the time we were at the precinct and got stuck in the elevator?"

"Umm, yeah. I consider that one of our top ten," she said with a smirk as she turned to walk away.

She rounded the counter, never loosing eye contact with him. She knew he was burning, but this was neither the time nor the place. In the two years since he had been home and slowly returned to being the Castle she knew, she rarely missed the chance to tease him.

He wasn't completely back to himself yet. His therapist said he might never get there. But that didn't matter. He was home. He was safe, and he was finally sleeping in the same bed as Kate. She firmly believed that some day, and hopefully soon, this new road would be an old road, too.

She traced the rim of her coffee mug with her finger as she asked him, "Speaking of the precinct, the guys asked if we wanted to go to lunch today at Remy's. Lanie, Jenny and the kids will be there, too. Do you feel up to it?"

Castle wrinkled his brow. "Why wouldn't I?"

"No reason. But, if we're gonna go, why don't we stop by that book store on Bleeker before we head there."

"Sounds great. Let me put my shoes on."

Kate smiled. Castle came around the counter to hug Kate. He always felt comfort in her presence and in her arms. He was the same for her. He broke the hug and just stared at her. Leaning forward, he gave her a soft kiss on the forehead, causing her to giggle.

"Did you just giggle?" he playfully glared at her.

"No," she was trying hard to suppress another laugh.

"Yes, you did!" Castle smiled and winked when she looked at him. He leaned down and whispered in her ear, "That's fine. But tonight, there will be no giggling, Mrs. Castle. Moaning, yes, but no giggling."

Smiling, he marveled, "I will never get used to you."

Oh, she had missed him so much.

Confused, Kate's brows wrinkled, "What are you talking about?" she asked.

"I don't know what I did to find you, but it must have been something really good to deserve you. And I hope you know I will never stop trying to be the man you deserve. No matter where we are, what we are doing, I always lose my breath when I find you looking back at me. You are my life; I don't deserve you."

He leaned over and kissed her forehead, then whispered, "Thank you."

"For what?" she questioned.

"For loving me, despite everything." He kissed her one more time, not giving her the chance to reply.

With that, he sauntered off to the bedroom. For her, he swayed his hips, knowing she was watching. She rolled her eyes and chuckled.

* * *

Everyone had finished eating their burgers and fries, and the adults were now just sitting around the table talking while the kids enjoyed ice cream shakes. The waitress had come around to clear their plates and leave extra napkins for the kids.

Johanna had climbed onto Castle's lap and was playing with the lapel of his shirt as she dozed off to sleep. Every time he laughed, her eyes would widen and then close.

"So, we're standing in the bullpen trying to verify a lead when Johnson comes in with this drunk," Ryan was rehashing a story about a practical joke a fellow detective pulled on Ryan and Esposito.

Sitting sideways in her seat, Kate was stroking Johanna's back with her left hand. She had her right arm on the back of Castle's chair, absent-mindedly running her fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck.

James and Jack were enjoying the company, Ryan and Jenny's kids Grady, Kylie, along with Paul, Javier and Lanie's son. Kylie had Paul on her lap, feeding him ice cream.

Javi was laughing at Ryan's voice fluctuating as he retold about their day at the office. Lanie and Jenny were talking to Alexis. She and Owen had come in late. They had a light lunch but really wanted to see everyone.

After Ryan finished his story, Alexis looked at Owen and squeezed his hand, whispering, "Now, let's do it now."

"But your grandparents aren't here."

"That's okay. They will be home soon"

They both stood as Castle said, "You just got here. Are you leaving so soon?"

"No, no Daddy. Umm, there's something we have to say."

Alexis and Owen smiled at each other. Owen walked behind her and whispered, "Go."

The group got quiet and Alexis and Owen walked to the head of the table. All eyes were on them. A few looked at them quizzically, while the rest were just staring.

"Well," Alexis began. "We are late to lunch because we had another appointment." She smiled up at Owen as he reached behind his back to reveal a large manila envelope.

Castle's heart sank. Alexis had spent so much time with Kate after his accident and then at the loft after he returned home. She and Owen used that time as a trial separation. When she did eventually move back home, they began couple's therapy."We couldn't think of a better place than here to let everyone know," he paused as he wrapped his arms around Alexis's waist and pulled her to him. "We're pregnant," beamed Owen.

Everyone at the table looked at each other in astonishment. Castle beamed as he wiped a tear from his eye. The group began to stand to congratulate the couple when Alexis laughed, "Wait! There's more. I'm about 7 weeks and had an appointment today, which included an ultrasound." Looking right at her father, she added, "Daddy, we're having twins!"

Everyone jumped to their feet, rushing to hug the couple. The kids screamed, clapped and laughed, causing other patrons in the restaurant to look on.

"Pumpkin, I'm so happy for you," Castle gushed as he held Alexis.

Tears welled in her eyes as she smiled back at him. "Thanks, Dad. But I need to you promise me something."

"Sure, anything."

"Don't tell Grams or Granddad. Owen and I will tell them when they get back from Buenos Aries."

Javier called out above the noise and said, "Yo. Those twins will have a little competition. Lanie is also pregnant." Again, Remy's was filled with laughter and cheers.

* * *

Kate was holding James' hand as they walked out to the sidewalk. Lanie was telling her she would be over later in the week to pick up the maternity clothes Kate still had. Alexis and Owen had left about thirty minutes prior.

"I can't believe you're going to have another baby. I'm so happy for you. Looks like we'll have three newbies." Kate gushed as she hugged Lanie.

"Yeah, this time around things are so different. I haven't had any morning sickness, I'm not tired, and I don't 'feel' pregnant." Lanie gently rubbed her abdomen; she was finally starting to show.

"It's a girl, then," Jenny piped up. She smiled at Kate and asked, "Was your pregnancy different with Hanna than the boys? Kylie was much different than Grady."

Kate just smiled. Her pregnancy with Johanna was the most different. Considering the events, everything was different with Castle not there. She would never know if it was health related or circumstantial.

Castle, Esposito, and Ryan were playing with the kids at the end of the block, to the women's right. Castle had put Johanna on his shoulders. He was holding her hands out to the side and was spinning in circles.

Kate just shook her head as she watched him. James was still holding her hand. He said he didn't want to play.

She turned to Jenny and Lanie, laughing, "If Johanna pukes on him, he has no one to blame but himself."

All three laughed and hugged each other, knowing they were about to head in separate directions. Jenny kissed Kate's cheek as she hugged her and confirmed a play-date for the boys the following week.

"Kev– we've got to go," she called to her husband. He put each hand into the hands of his kids and walked to Jenny.

"Kids, say bye to Aunt Kate & Aunt Lanie." Each child gave them a hug and said goodbye before they walked away.

Lanie and Kate walked towards their families.

"Girl, I am so happy things are getting back to normal for you," Lanie's shoulder bumped Kate. As they got closer to their husbands and children, James let go of Kate's hand and ran up to Rick. The women stopped at the edge of the building, staying in the shade it provided.

Kate smiled and leaned against the restaurant. "Things aren't back to normal, but it's a new normal," she added.

"And are you okay with that?" Lanie asked with the tilt of her head.

"Having him back? Of course, I am!" Kate expressed.

"I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do." Lanie smiled as she joined Kate. Looking in the direction of the kids, Kate smiled as Castle engaged in a game of tag with the kids. They were on a typical New York City street. It was bustling as people were walking by, and he didn't care.

"You know," Kate began, "I have always believed in us. But after he was found alive and dealing with PTSD, I never imagined he would shut me out the way he did." Part of her heart ached, but she reminded herself that she had nothing to be ashamed of. Her heart had seen trauma unlike any other. It _had been_ broken. It _had been_ damaged. A bullet _had_ pierced it. But it still worked.

"Both together and apart, we have struggled through the darkness. My life changed so much, for the better, when he walked into it," Kate said with a smile.

Lanie gave Kate a playful glare. To which Kate replied, "Shut up," as she winked at her.

"It's amazing how what he viewed as brokenness in him, healed the brokenness in me." Kate stared off into the distance reminiscing about the past year of her life, of their lives. She never imagined her life would have turned out this way. A mere two years prior she was mourning the tragic and sudden loss of her husband. Her friends and family rallied round her, yet she had felt so alone.

And now, here she stood surrounded again by friends and family and now felt complete. A smile crept to her face as she watched her husband scoop their daughter, lift her shirt and blow raspberries on her belly. Johanna's laughter was loud and infectious. Javier was holding Paul and tickling him wildly. Jack and James were using sticks as swords.

"I better get my animals back to the zoo. Someone is going to get hurt over there." Kate pushed off the building, looking at Lanie.

As she turned to walk towards Castle, Kate bumped into a man walking the opposite direction. She turned to apologize, and saw the man's back. He was about six feet tall and had a small girl on his shoulders. Maybe he hadn't felt her, and it would have been immediately forgotten. But no, he turned.

Kate gasped when the familiar blue eyes looked directly into her hazel ones. Lanie's own chocolate eyes grew huge as they darted from Kate's to the man's eyes. Without much thought, Kate reached her hand out and patted his bicep.

"Hey," Demming said in disbelief.

"Hi. How have you been?" Kate smiled.

Unnoticed, James stopped playing with Jack. He walked towards Kate and stood between her and Demming. His eyes never left Demming's face. Kate slipped her hand around James's shoulder and across his chest. He took a protective stance as he leaned his back against her hip, and Kate patted the center of his chest.

"Hello, Lanie. You're looking beautiful as always." She replied with a soft smile before she nodded to Kate and walked away to join Javier and Rick.

"So, who is this little cutie?" Kate asked about the girl on his shoulders.

"This is my daughter, Rachael," he replied.

Kate smiled and said hello to the little girl and introduced James. She pointed out Jack and Johanna before she smiled at Tom and said, "Her blue eyes giver her away as yours."

A tall blond woman was standing next to Tom and slid her hand around his elbow, locking her arm with his.

"Oh, Kate, this is Lucy, my fiancé." Tom pointed with his eyes to Javier and Lanie and explained how he knew them. When he looked at Kate, Castle was suddenly by her side. Johanna clambered from Castle's arms and sought Kate's arms for safety. She loved playing with Castle, but sometimes he was too active for her calmer two-year-old self.

"Demming. Wow, I haven't seen you in awhile," Castle smirked.

"Castle," he nodded.

"Hi, I'm Richard Castle. These are our sons Jack and James. And my wife, Kate is holding Hanna." Johanna laid her head on Kate's shoulder and closed her eyes. She was tired and didn't have the time to be sociable.

"Demming, does Lucy know you dated Kate?" Castle asked.

"Um, no. It's never really come up."

"Hmm, too bad. Maybe sometime you should tell her about how you hooked her, but I was able to reel her in." The words were said teasingly but with just enough biter to make everyone uncomfortable.

"Castle! Enough!" Kate spat. She gave him the unmistakable look. Castle never broke eye contact with Kate as he said, "Come on, James. Let's go play with Paul and wait for Mommy there."

Confused, James slowly followed his dad's order. She watched them walk to Lanie and Javier. Once they had safely arrived at their destination, Kate turned to Tom and apologized.

"Sorry for his behavior," she said softly. Lucy walked a few feet away, looking in the window of a small boutique.

"No, no need to apologize." Tom looked up to the sky and removed his daughter from his shoulders. Holding her on his hip, he asked, "So, how is he really doing?"

"Good. He's good. The kids are good. Matter of fact, we're all getting back to a nice routine," she said with a smile.

"I never expected to run into you here," Tom said.

"Well, New York isn't _that _big of a place. Law of averages would suggest that us meeting was bound to happen at some point," she laughed. After all these years Castle had rubbed off on her.

"How about you? How have you been?" Kate asked.

"Good, can't really complain," Tom replied.

She smiled the only way Kate could. The smile that lit up her face, made her eyes sparkle, and warmed the heart of anyone who knew her.

"Yeah, looks like time has been sweet to you." She paused before stating, "Castle told me that you came and saw him while he was in the hospital. He told me everything."

Swallowing hard, Tom rasped out, "He did, did he?"

"Yeah," Kate said in a soft whisper. "Listen, Tom. I also told him about the time you came over after Johanna was born."

"Kate, while I thank the universe for the opportunity to run into you today, you have to know I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable that day."

Kate interrupted, "Uncomfortable? No, not at all. Tom, it took a lot of courage for you to say what you did that day. And it's always nice to hear that someone cares for you. But I stand by what I said that day. We're just not to be together in this lifetime."

Tom chuckled as he watched his daughter squirm to get down and then run to Lucy. "Kate, I'm not going to lie. I don't regret what I said just as I don't regret the time we had together. But we both ended up where we truly belong. You have been very important in my life, and I don't think I will ever be able to completely forget about you. But I have come to terms with that and moved on. I am happy now."

"I don't think I can say the same about you," she said truthfully.

He looked at her baffled and in bewilderment. He opened his mouth to ask and she beat him to it.

"Tom, I'm happy. I don't regret our time together. And I am thankful that it was a step in the direction of who I am today. But all of the memories have been replaced by the life I have now."

She reached out and caressed his arm. "One of these days, you'll get there, too. There is no shame in letting go. My best advice, there is so much good in goodbye."

Tom stared at the ground and then looked back into Kate's eyes. She wasn't sure if his eyes were full of hurt or understanding. A small grin turned the corners of his mouth upward.

"Tom, I need to go now. My family is waiting. It was good to see you and to meet your fiancé and daughter."

"Yeah, it was great seeing you again, Kate," Demming said with an indulgent smile. She gave him a quick hug and waved to Lucy as she walked away.

When she joined Castle, she hugged him tightly. Letting him go, she laced her fingers with his. He just stared at her, and then asked, "So, is everything okay?"

She chuckled and said, "Couldn't be better." She placed Johanna on the sidewalk and slipped her hand into her daughter's.

Jack ran up and held Johanna's hand while James grabbed Castle's free hand. Rick and Kate smiled at each other. She leaned over Johanna and softly kissed his lips.

Looking into his eyes, she broke her gaze to glance at his lips and then back to his eyes. Smiling, she whispered, "Come on, Rick, let's go home."

* * *

**For my first, it will always have a special place in my heart. But don't fear, it will not be my last. Until next time... ~Always~**


End file.
